Archive | May, 2012

The Beginning of You and Me: Our First Photos

31 May

Last night, I was thinking about the letter I wanted to write you today. I figured since I’m so picture-and-video-happy all the time that I would try to find some of the first pictures and videos I have of you. So I began the search through folders upon folders of pictures on my laptop, on USB drives, in e-mails I’d been sent by The B’s,everywhere.

Then I realized that Grandma M actually took our first photos together. She was my “labor coach” I guess you would say. She held my hand through the pushing, was the one who reminded me to breathe, who whispered words of encouragement when it was getting really hard (I love you, but I did not love labor. I take that back. I loved my epidural).

So when you finally arrived and my hands no longer needed to hold anything but you, she grabbed the camera and the official documentation of your life began. It has yet to stop. I doubt it ever will (because J would never let it, and I love her for that). I’m so very happy that I got to be a part of those first pictures with you. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so at peace in my entire life than I did when they put you on my chest. Because our first pictures weren’t just pictures of us – they were pictures of the moment the best part of my life began.

 

Copying me? :)

 

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Little Man Can Sing!

30 May

The day after a big birthday is kind of like the day after Christmas – you’re coming off a high, and the anticipation of the big day is gone but luckily, you’re left with a lot of gifts to distract you from that. However, being pretty far away from most of my close friends and family on my 21st, I only got three real gifts.

The first is my ability to purchase alcohol for the rest of my life.

The second gift I got was my job, and true to form, it certainly distracts me because I’m busy all day long. I’m one of those silly interns who is so unbelievably excited to be an intern. The only reason it’s silly is because not that many people get super excited to do a whole lot of grunt work for no money at all. But your mom is a nerd sometimes. I love it!

The third gift is my favorite though, because it’s from you and The B’s. A big hug goes from my heart to J’s for thinking of this and sending it to me. Yet another wonderful reminder of how beautiful open adoption can be. I can’t tell you how many times I replayed it. Over and over and over again for half an hour at least, probably more. I love you so much Little Man. Thank you for song! It absolutely made my birthday a perfect day.

 

Big Day in the Big City

29 May

Me on my 19th birthday, two years ago. With you :)

Guess what, Little Man? Your mama turns 21 today! Yes sir, I am officially the big 2-1 (well…as of 6:11 p.m. tonight technically). You can tell that I’m a mom when it comes to birthdays now because every time my birthday rolls around, I actually think about my mother – I wonder where she was on this day 21 years ago, what was going through her mind, if it’s crazy to her that the tiny baby girl who once fit inside her is now turning 21, living in NYC and has a little one of her own.

Birthdays are a big deal to moms. We get so lost in the excitement of birthdays, in planning parties and celebrating that sometimes we forget that the our moms are the reasons we have birthdays, and that they mean just as much to our moms as they do to us. I know that on your first birthday last year, all I could think about was where I was the year beforehand – that my water broke at 7:00 a.m. That at 11:30 in the morning I finally got my epidural. That you were born at exactly 5:41 p.m.  Maybe after 21 years I’ll stop time-travelling back to the day you were born, but I’m sure I always will a little bit. It’s crazy to me that you’ll be 21 someday. I’ll have to call up Grandma M and ask her how she feels today.

But today is a big deal for another reason – I start my first “big girl” job today with iVillage, part of NBC. I’m interning all summer for their Pregnancy, Parenting, Love and Sex sections. Needless to say, they have me working pretty heavily in the Pregnancy and Parenting section. But that’s wonderful to me. As much as I love relationships and sex (not something you want to know about your mother, I’m sure. Whoops!), doing daily work and research on pregnancy and parenting is a constant reminder of you. Of course, a reminder is unnecessary – even if pictures of you weren’t already plastered on my walls or placed on my desk or featuring as the background to my phone and my iPod, thinking about you every day is natural. You’re a part of me. What can I say? :)

So yes, today is a big day for me. It begins a lot of firsts and will hopefully open many, many doors so that I may one day be able to pass on the inspiration you give to me onto other people. I may do the writing and I may do the work, but you are the cornerstone. You are the necessary component to my drive, to my inspiration. We’re going to change the world someday, you and I. With you as my inspiration, J as my partner, my many friends and family as our support, and the wonderful people who take the time to read your letters, we are going to make a difference in the world. One person at a time.

But this change doesn’t start today. It started one year, ten months and seven days ago. It started with you – you and your beautiful family, all of whom have taught me what it truly means to love and be loved. You may not actively support me (because you’re two and you don’t know what that word means) but you have helped to get me to where I am on this momentous birthday of mine – interning in a city that you only see in movies, at a job doing what I enjoy, working with content I truly love and care about. Today, I am luckiest girl in the world. I love you, and even on the big, busy days, you’re always on my mind – reminding me of the good I’ve done, making me smile.

Knowing that I have you and The B’s is the best birthday present imaginable. My day is already off to a wonderful start. Let’s hope that I end up being really good at my job and my day stays that way :)

Our Beach Trip Pictures

28 May

These are just a few of the many. I tend to get very picture-happy around you…

(Click on one and they get bigger and you can scroll through :) )

You and The B’s started off my summer in the best, most perfect way possible. I can’t wait until our next adventure, Little Man. And thank you, Uncle Kevin, for lending us the beach house!

Bubbles, Bubbles Everywhere

27 May

While we were at the beach, you had a lot of favorite things to do. You liked to open and close the door to the mini-fridge in the dining room. You liked to go up and down the stairs. You like to play in the pool on the back deck, or the “wa-wa” (although I’ve been told that you’ve already outgrown that little saying and you officially call it “water” now). You liked to watch Elmo a lot – on the iPad, on the TV, in toy form. Elmo was definitely a big deal.

But another one of your favorite things was playing with bubbles. You’ve always gotten a kick out of bubbles – I remember E, Sports Man and I using the “bubble gun” to rain bubbles down on you before you were even a year old and you just loved it! You may be bigger now, but that much hasn’t changed.

But at the beach, we came with reinforcements. We had the bubble gun, a smaller bubble wand and at least two other bubble-blowing devices. Anytime I blew bubbles, you would walk over to me and act like you wanted to blow a bubble too. Except that once you got close enough to the bubbles, you would just stick the bubble wand in your mouth. But when you weren’t eating the bubbles, you loved to run around and pop them, and every time you did, you would squeal and laugh as if it was the coolest thing you’d done all day. I think that’s part of the magic of being a kid – the smallest things are the coolest things. And as the lucky lady who gets to call herself your mom (one of two lucky ladies!), I get to be a part of that magic. And believe me, if anyone adds magic to my life, it’s you.

I hope that someday you understand how much joy you bring to my life – it’s a figure that has gone up exponentially ever since you were discovered. I love you so much, sometimes I don’t even think I fully comprehend the power of it. It’s a love beyond description. And I’m reminded of it every day – every time I see a picture or think back to a fun memory from one of our many, many get togethers. I’m reminded of that love every day because I think about you every single day. Thank you for the happiness you bring to my life.

And thank you for renewing my appreciation in the art of blowing bubbles. Or, I suppose in your case, eating them.

25 May

A wonderful reference from a wonderful woman. Living proof that mothers come in all forms and that strength is one of their universal qualities. Please check out BOTH of her blogs!

What Dream May Come

Wish, Wait, Write: Letters to the Little One we are Waiting to Meet

One of my favorite blogs is Letters to Little Man. Not only is Renee a talented budding writer, she is also a truly wonderful human being. Reading about her journey through placing her child with a loving family for adoption, and in so doing becoming a part of that family, is inspiring to me.

And so, I have taken the spark of inspiration lit by Renee, and decided to catalogue my own journey–through letters to the child that will one day run through our halls, marking up the walls with their baseball bat or tap shoes.

Through InfertilityAwakening I will continue to write about my own personal journey through this life lesson called infertility. However, on my blog: Wish, Wait, Write: Letters to the Little One we are Waiting to Meet I will build a book…

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The Sheep-Horse Dance

25 May

Reason I love you #216: Your dance moves. They speak for themselves.

I don’t think I’ve ever had as much fun listening to a kid’s toy jingle over and over again. Watching you do things like this makes me so deliriously happy, I almost don’t know what to do with myself. You are much too endearing for your own good, Little Man. And I absolutely love it.

A Good Arm and Wet Sand

24 May

 

I took this picture on our last day at the beach. Conveniently enough, the ocean was at low tide and a giant tide pool had formed, just deep enough for your short little self to enjoy. J and I spent a while gathering shells for you – we would set them in a pile next you as you stood on the edge of the tide pool, and you would pick them up and chuck them as hard as you could into the middle of the pool. You actually have a pretty good arm! You could probably play baseball, although I recommend using that arm for a solid football career if you choose to go the sports route. Sorry, I’ve never really followed baseball. I promise I will if that’s what you want to do, though :)

Anyhow, after quite a bit of shell tossing, you went out into the ocean with E while J played with Sports Man and I walked with Grandma M along the beach a little ways. Eventually we all ended back up in the tide pool, in the very shallow part. You had discovered that wet sand is alotof fun to play with. You had a little red shovel and you would shovel some wet sand and fling in it various directions. Most of it landed on you, but again, you’ve got quite the arm so some of the sand really got some distance. It was actually very daring of me to take my camera out within a 5-7 ft. radius of you.

But you were covered in sand and totally oblivious to how incredibly dirty you were, and I couldn’t resist. I’m really glad too. I got some good shots. Plus any opportunity to forever capture your cuteness on film is one I’m going to take. You may get older and some day be taller than me, but your miniature, almost two-year old self covered head to toe in wet sand will be preserved forever.

I printed this picture and have it sitting on the window sill of my apartment in NYC. I’m always thinking about you. But – even though I did change your diaper and your outfit after that beach outing – luckily, I am not always in charge of cleaning you.

FaceTime Meets Liam Time

23 May

So the coolest thing happened to me yesterday. I saw you!

Now of course, you didn’t fly up to NYC and I didn’t finally get the hang of teleportation and end up in North Carolina. I’m mostly a Skype girl, but I do have an iTouch and Apple makes this nifty thing called FaceTime. FaceTime is basically video chatting between iPods, iPads, iPhones, etc. By the time you’re old enough to read this, technology will have probably advanced way beyond video chatting, but right now it’s fairly revolutionary. I’m loving it, especially since I’m way up in NYC and many of the people I love are still in NC. Including you :)

Last night I went to an early dinner with my Aunt for her last night in town and on my way home, I was texting J. She had sent me a couple of pictures of you and I was commenting on your hair (which is long and curly again! Yay!) and how big you were and she was saying how crazy it was that you were going to be two years old in two months. Right about the time I got to my apartment, she asked if I wanted to FaceTime with you right before you went to bed.

I’ve only tried FaceTime a couple of times before. Mostly, Sports Man and I would FaceTime whenever I would come to visit you. That’s right – we would only FaceTime when we were in the same room with each other. We would have very wonderful, meaningful conversations too. But we hadn’t done it in a while, so it took me a minute to find the app and log on.

But when I did, there you were! You took a very long look at the iPod, probably trying to figure out how I was there or talking to you. But when you saw me you smiled and laughed. After a few minutes, you were even calling “Nay-Nay!” to get my attention so that you could show me something. Apparently you’ve learned how to fall down on purpose (because you just weren’t doing it enough accidentally) and every time you would run around your crib and “fall down,” you would say, “Whooooa!” It was partly ridiculous, partly hilarious, and completely adorable. You blew me kisses and when it came time to say the final good night, you even gave the screen a real kiss.

I loved my mini-Liam visit. Just getting to see you in action, in real-time, being your goofy, crazy, adventurous, wonderful, handsome self just makes my day. J and I have agreed to try to do it fairly often, so that way I get to see you and talk to them even though I won’t actually get to visit until your birthday weekend (I’m definitely flying down for that – no way I could miss the big 2!) Every time that you recognize me and call me Nay-Nay, my heart does this melty thing and I experience my own personal little victory. That’s one of the main reasons I chose open adoption – so you would know who I was, so I could be central enough to your life that you considered me to be a recognizable part of it. I’d say mission accomplished.

Also, apparently there’s a way to take a picture of your screen when you’re on an iTouch or iPhone. Can’t say I’ve mastered it, but I gave it my best shot. I love you, baby boy. And yes – you will be baby boy forever. And ever. And ever.

Mama’s Back!

22 May

Liam Hudson, I love you more than anything in the whole wide world.

I’ve been much too busy lately and I haven’t written you in ages, at first because of finals, then because I was actually with you at the beach, and then because I moved to New York City for the summer. But now I’m finally set up in my tiny NYC “apartment” (okay…it’s a dorm room) and I have pictures of you everywhere and I wanted to write you another one of my letters to tell you that you are still – and always will be – the best part of my life. I miss you like crazy and I wish I could be with you every minute of every day. The best I can do right now is to try to make you proud of me with my summer internship and (hopefully!) the success that comes from it.

I can’t wait to tell you beach stories and show you pictures. Have no doubt that I definitely will over the next few weeks ;)

This picture is my absolute favorite from our beach trip. It’s right beside my desk in my apartment and later this week, I’m going to print out another copy to take to work to have at my desk over there. So that way, not only are you on my mind and in my heart, but you’re also everywhere I look. I love you, handsome boy. I’ll be seeing you this summer, internship or not. I can’t wait!

I fall madly in love with you all over again every time I see this photo :)

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