Dear Little Man,
I hope you had a wonderful holiday! This past Thursday was Thanksgiving, and on that lovely holiday I reminisced on how thankful I was for you. Your existence was and always will be my own little miracle. Though I’m thankful for you every day I was reallllly thankful this past Friday because I got to see you!
You and The B’s came down to The Boyfriend’s farm in North Carolina and our families spent the day together. There was a tractor so you were all set for most of the visit, but I was able to tear you away to play catch with one of the dogs when you first got there. You actually spent most of the day with Pop Pop, and if you weren’t with him, you were asking for him. He was definitely the favorite on this trip. You wanted him around for everything. It was actually pretty adorable.
However, during the few minutes I was able to get you off the tractor, The Boyfriend and I took you to play in some dirt flats out by their driveway. You had a ball — you were picking up the dirt and watching it sift through your fingers, totally fascinated by how it felt, your little face screwed up in concentration as you tried to figure out why you couldn’t keep a hold of it. It was one of those “little kid moments” that adults witness and it makes them pause for a minute. And as we watch how filled with wonder our children are at the small things in life, we smile and realize how the small things really are what matter the most sometimes and how the world is filled with magic in places that we’ve forgotten to look as we’ve aged. I was having one of those moments as I wanted you dig your little hands into the dirt.
And then you ate it.
The magic was pretty much gone after that, but it was replaced by laughter and a familiar fondness that I’ve always had for your adorable quirks. You seemed pretty surprised that the dirt tasted bad…or maybe it tasted great and it was just the texture that threw you off. Either way, you made one of your ever entertaining funny faces and The Boyfriend helped you get the dirt out of your mouth.
I fed you some ham later. You had a better reaction to eating that.
But I just wanted to remind you that I am always, always, always thankful for you and your existence. You are the smile on my face and the warmth in my heart and I am thankful every day that I get to write letters to someone I love as much as you.
xoxoxo
Yesterday, I finally got an iPhone! We’ll probably be on the iPhone 18 or 19 by the time you’re old enough to own a cell phone, but as of right now, I’m super pumped.
But more importantly, I just wanted you to see my background photo:
Or more clearly…
My handsome man! It’s a wonderful photo to see on a daily basis, don’t you think? :)
When J and I first met, we clicked on a lot of things:
– We both love Jane Austen and LOVE the movie Pride and Prejudice (yes, we’re girls. Indulge us.)
– We both use Jergens Healthy Glow tanning lotion in the summer because J burns and I just like to tell people I spent the summer in Aruba or somewhere exotic
– We were both pregnancy book nerds — she read What To Expect When You’re Expecting from cover to cover when she was carrying Sports Man, and I hit Barnes and Noble less than a week after I found out about you.
However, one of the other things we discovered we had in common was dance. I played tons of sports in elementary school, but once I got older (and got braces…and terrified Pop Pop by getting hit in the mouth one too many times…), I took up modern dance and ballet instead. I danced all through middle school into high school and once I hit college I took up ballroom dancing and a teeeeny bit of contra dancing. I was never quite as flexible as I wanted to be, but oh it was fun! It was nice to find out that J and I shared such a passion.
But do you know what’s better than finding out we shared that passion? Discovering that we both passed that passion to you. And thanks to J’s lighting fast iPhone filming skills, we have proof that you will probably hate us for in 10-12 or so years. And may I just say, you have incredible, prodigious skill. It’s overwhelming. You even pose like Michael Jackson. Next time we’ll get you gloves and you can do the moon dance.
But for now, it’s just another thing that J and I can commiserate over :) P.S. — The thing you do with your legs at the end is my favorite.
Dear Little Man,
Now quite obviously, it’s not just you and me. Even when I was pregnant and it really was just you and me, it was also you, me and my gynecologist. Then it was you, me and the ultrasound tech (who got to know me realllly well). Then it was you, me and an entire medical team on the maternity ward.
Then it was you, me and The B’s, and the rest is history!
However, a few days ago I was revamping my Letters to Little Man site. There were places where it still said I was 20 and I was boasting about how you could recite the ABC’s. I turned 21 in May and you can practically read now, so yes…updating was needed. So I changed some descriptions, added a few things here and there and lastly, I changed the pictures. You especially have a tendency to change rapidly as you grow, but luckily, J is on top of taking pictures as always, so there’s no excuse to have a photo of you that is a year old.
I went to change my photo too. Though I don’t change as much or as frequently as you do (wait, that’s a lie. I just got bangs for the first time in 3 years), I figured it couldn’t hurt to update my photo as well. So off I went, hunting through my most recent Facebook pictures for one that would be suitable for the blogosphere.
Though I wanted one of just me for the “Meet Renee” section, I also thought it would be super neat to have a few pictures of us together. I began the Facebook hunt again. Only this time, I found photo and photo after photo of you and I together. I’m generally so preoccupied with getting great shots of just you, that I truly failed to realize that there are a lot of pictures of us.
So alllll of those photos, paired with my natural inability to make decisions, has resulted in way too many pictures to post in the Meet Renee section. However, there is no such thing as too many photos for a letter to my Little Man :)
Technically one of our first pictures together. Technically.
Definitely our first picture together. You look so happy…
One of my favorite hospital shots!
A little over a week old. This was at Bethany during the interim period.
Exactly one month old! Oh, I miss your itsy bitsy days…
This was on a trip we took to an apple orchard with The B’s when you were 2 months old. Hey there, chunky legs ;)
At Sports Man’s 7th birthday party. You fell asleep in my arms. Then, you started falling OUT of my arms.
And so the hilarity of your expressions begins…
I could never resist giving you kisses. It’s a good thing too because now you’re moving too fast for me to even catch you to give you one!
You and I around your six-month birthday!
A Valentine’s Day visit at Grandma M and Pop-Pop’s house!
This was around the time you discovered you had a tongue. Apparently it was fascinating.
You were suuuper sick this day, but we still smiled together :)
Smoochin’ on you before our first Mother’s Day!
A perfect display of how happy you make me :) This photo is in your nursery!
This was the morning of our first Mother’s Day! J and I went to a “girls” luncheon to celebrate together. I’ll remember that day forever.
A month or so before your first birthday. This was probably the last time you ever sat still for a picture ;)
Little Man turns ONE! This was taken at your “little man themed” party. I got to celebrate the whole weekend with you!
This probably won’t be the last time you get exasperated with me. It also probably won’t be the last time I find it funny.
I would follow you anywhere :)
This past March, right after St. Patrick’s Day. J brought her camera on a visit and we had a little photo shoot! I think we’re applauding your cuteness ;)
You + Me + The B’s + Grandma M + Pop Pop + Aunt S = BEACH TRIP! We went to the Isle of Palms and hung out together for a few days. We even spent a day in Charleston which was funny because the last time I had been there, I was pregnant with you :)
At your second birthday party (time flies!!). Your hand was alllll the way in that cow’s mouth. All. The. Way. Giving mommy a heart attack? Yes.
The same weekend as you second birthday. You and I played in the hose for a while. We got soaked and it was lovely :)
I love every single photo we get together, but not just because you’re incredibly photogenic. I love our photos for the simple reason that we get to take them together. Adoption didn’t split us up, it didn’t cause me to miss out, it hasn’t separated us in any way except literal distance. The fact that I got to be around for all of this stuff — holding you at Sports Man’s party, spending Mother’s Day with you, giving you kisses and spending birthdays playing with you — it’s the part of adoption that I love the most. It’s part of the reason why I will love and owe The B’s forever, and it’s definitely the reason we will grow up knowing one another.
I cherish these photos. The silly, the blurry, the candid, the posed, the goofy the smiley, the serious and the fun. We’re creating a history together, you and me. And I hope that one day, you cherish them as much as I do.
Dear Little Man,
I’m going to share a secret of mine with you. That secret is that I dream about being pregnant again someday.
In my actual dreams, I’m generally terrified of pregnancy and, in dream world, I find myself thinking, “I’m pregnant again? Oh my, I wonder if The B’s will raise this one for me, like they did Liam…” So, so, so weird. I’m generally thrilled to wake up and realize it was a dream because I has such a difficult time going through with placing you…I’m not sure I could do it again.
But during my waking hours, sometimes I think about having a baby when I’m ready for one. I love you so very much…in that “beyond words” kind of way…and I hope to be able to someday have a little half-brother or -sister for you to meet, that I can love just as much. I never thought I wanted kids, but once I discovered I was carrying you, I realized that I wanted nothing more than to be the best mother I possibly could. Hopefully I will be able to be that mother someday. Hopefully you think I am that mother today.
Yesterday evening, Miss Manhattan (one of your many aunts, a fellow blogger with a wonderful site, and one of my oldest friends) sent me a link to a blog called Arielle Elise. This blog is mostly (beautiful!) photography, but this particular post was about a couple going through an adoption in Uganda.
In my many talks/discussions/speeches given at Bethany functions, I have heard a few stories of international adoption, though most of the ones I’ve heard have been from Asia. Though I don’t know much about international adoption (I am studying it!), I still love that adoption spreads its influence so widely. The love that adoption encompasses can span oceans…how beautiful is that?
The couple featured in the Arielle Elise post are twenty-somethings, married for 5+ years and in the process of adopting their own Little Man from Africa. Their photos are all about them and love and how love creates family (oh how I can attest to that!) Their blog, This Beautiful Truth, follows an incredible, emotional journey through adoption and their daily lives. Like one of my favorite bloggers, Infertility Awakening, these journeys fascinate me. People who have the hearts and souls for adoption never fail to astound me with their openness and their love. I always find them to be very brave, courageous people who have decided to open their hearts and look on the bright side of life…just like The B’s!
I love sharing stories of people like this, mostly because I feel that somehow, we’re all connected through this adoption experience. Birth mothers, adoptive families, adopted children…though we’re all different a spread far and wide, I somehow feel like we’re all connected at the core. I get to share our story and other couples and birth mothers get to share theirs and together, we form this network, this collaboration of people who want nothing more than to love their children and families as much as humanly possible.
And I understand. Though I am the birth mother rather than the adoptive mother, I think I get it, or part of it at least. I understand that longing to be a mother, to create a family, to want to share your love with a child you have the privilege of calling your own. Though I certainly can’t empathize with the frustrating, upsetting, sometimes devastating effects of infertility, I think I realize the desire that drives it. The desire to hear someone call you “mom.” It sounds like a small thing, but it means something so much bigger to so many people.
And that’s why I still have my dream. My dream of being “mom.” That’s why. someday, I’d like to give you those half-sibling(s) that call me “mother.” It’s a small thing, but that tiny act of love can fill a heart to the point of bursting. I would know. That’s what I feel every time you call me “Nay-Nay.” It may not be “mom” outright, but I cherish it as though it were. Because though you may not call me your mother, I will forever call you my son and I will be proud. That’s just how love works.
So enjoy this tiny piece of your expansive network, Little Man. I hope you enjoy reading the stories of this family as much as I enjoy telling the stories of my own little boy, my shining star, my bright light at the end of all of my dark tunnels.
That would be YOU, in case you were wondering ;)
Dear Little Man,
Today I realized that in a little over two months, you will be two-and-a-half. Almost half a year has passed since you turned two which is nuts since I feel like you were born yesterday. But what is also nuts is that you turned two in July and it is now November and no practically no birthday pictures have been posted (except for a few from the day after and a few that J took during your birthday safari ride!). And since I’m in a particularly picture-y mood today, I have decided that I am going to remedy that lack of photos riiiiiiight…
NOW. :)
(Forgive the quality…some of these are still shots taken from a video.)
J’s creative genius shining through yet again :)
The cupcakes on the table were delicious. I had two :)
Plus three. Shhh.
Bubble blowing…your favorite :)
Eating the bubble blowing stick…your second favorite.
Running to Pop-Pop at your party. I’m pretty sure it made his day :)
The “B” Air Hockey Team!
You make me giggle :)
Trying to catch the water. Solid effort.
You LOVED that hose. And you also got soaked.
Thirsty? You certainly were… :)
Spraying The Boyfriend after he squirted you with a toy. I am SO proud.
Luckily, you didn’t take revenge on me like you did on The Boyfriend…
E grilling up some burgers…and being a good sport while I filmed him :)
Um, DELICIOUS.
Blowing bubbles with me!
Another reason for your Super Cool Kid status: you fist bump.
Your new “trator” :) you still ride that thing around. Steering is still a mystery, but I think we’re getting there…
Sports Man teaching you how to drive. I see this happening again in about 14 years…
A travel size Little Man. This was my ploy to bring you back to New York with me ;)
You are an awesome high-fiver. The Boyfriend got a kick out of it.
Ohhh, that smile…
You can almost hold an aluminum baseball bat! Sort of…kind of…I love this photo anyways :)
Hitting a baseball with a bat, golf-style. I think I fell even more in love with both of you that day :)
Giving you tips, working on your game, you know…normal “guy talk.”
Again with the world’s best facial expressions…
Giggling with my guy :)
I love this look! And you :)
I can’t wait until our next weekend-long adventure. Although the outdoor water activities might have to wait until the spring. I have no doubt we will find entertainment elsewhere :) Two-and-a-half year olds are surprisingly good at creating entertainment out of nothing…
xoxoxo
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Dear Little Man,
As you may have been able to tell throughout your letters, your facial expressions are famous. And since I post about them regularly, The B’s know that I love your funny faces.
So the other day when E sent me a picture of you, we didn’t just laugh about another famous Little Man face. We turned it into a game :) Check out this conversation…
E: Can you tell me what this face says?
Me: Haha! It either says “Check out THIS cool kid driving the tractor” or “Excuuuse me, Dad. No taking pictures while I’m operating heavy machinery.”
E: I think more of the latter…”I’m going to be doing this for the next hour at least, so you should find yourself something else to do and leave me alone.”
Me: Haha yes! Well he is awfully busy and important in the tractor world after all…
We love you :) so very,very much.
Tonight, I’m speaking at another Bethany fundraiser in Asheville, NC. And before you ask, no, I will not be starting this talk with an underwear joke.
In a way, I’m almost more excited for this talk than I was for the last one. Someday, you will learn that once you give a speech, no matter how well you plan it out, inevitably you will forget to say something. Around midnight or so that night, you will sit bolt upright in bed and think, “Oh shoot, I forgot to mention [insert important factoid here].”
I did that after my talk in Charlotte — it didn’t even take me until midnight. But luckily for me, I now have the opportunity to add the things I forgot to mention. I won’t give you any spoilers, but I’m happy I have the chance to add my “important factoids.”
Also — since my last speech was given in front of a surprisingly large audience — I’m pretty sure all of my stage-fright nerves are already fried. That sounds like a bad thing, but the silver lining is that tonight I won’t have to worry about having excessively sweaty hands and a heart rate of 100 beats per minute. Knock on wood.
Sadly, you and The B’s can’t make it to this talk either (Sports Man’s baseball team is in the playoffs this afternoon…probably because Sports Man hits so many home runs :) ), but I know they’ll be there in spirit as always. I love talking about them almost as much as I like talking about you. They are beautiful, remarkable people who (along with my parents and friends) are responsible for making my life as lovely as it is. I love, love, love spreading our story to everyone that I can. But also, I just like to brag about having you all in my life :)
So wish me luck (again) and keep your tiny fingers crossed that I stay far, far away from any undergarment-related material.
Since you’re only two years (and three months) old, your Halloween experience is somewhat limited. You’ll learn to love it of course, but for now, we just get to love dressing you up and marveling at how adorable you look in cute costumes. Here are all of the Halloween’s you’ve had so far!
Your first ever Halloween costume. You were literally my little “pumpkin!”
Your first Halloween again (in case the bib wasn’t evidence enough). I love the whole outfit, from the hat to the onesie! And the adorable chubby cheeks, of course…
For your second Halloween, you were a Giraffe. The costume is adorable but your “What? No I didn’t just shove candy in my mouth!” face is the best part of this Halloween photo :)
This year for Halloween you’re going to be Mario! I’ve only seen you in the hat (courtesy of this photo by J’s best friend H), but I can’t wait to see the rest of it!
Trust me…once there’s a photo of you in full Mario costume, it will be posted. Happy Halloween Little Man! And happy Halloween to all of our wonderful followers! :)
Letters to Little Man 