About the Letters

UPDATE [2018]: When I became pregnant at 18, I knew two things for certain: 1) that I loved my baby more than words could express, and 2) that I wasn’t ready to raise him.

Choosing open adoption was the hardest and best decision of my life, and to help me process the ups and downs of being a birth mother, I began this blog back in 2012. This site became many things: my way to talk to the baby I missed so much, my way of preserving the memories of his first milestones, my way of connecting to a larger community who also needed to know that they weren’t alone, and my way of sorting through my feelings as I continued to come to terms with my new definition of “family” and “motherhood.” Mostly, it was my way of telling Liam, my Little Man, why I chose adoption for him — for us both.

Almost seven years later, my Little Man is eight, and he is a dog-obsessed, guitar-playing, vegetable-loving (not my genes there), Star Wars fan, with curly blonde hair, my big, brown eyes, and a huge heart. We carry on good conversations (mostly about dogs, guitar, or Star Wars) and he talks a lot about “that one time he was in my tummy.” One day, when he’s older, I’ll show him these letters and we’ll have different kinds of conversations. For now (and always) the fact that I get to see & guide him through his life alongside his adoptive family will continue to be the biggest gift of my life.

Below is the original prose from “About the Letters.” Though many things have changed in the lives of The B’s, Liam, and myself, I can’t bear to erase it. It’s a picture of a time when adoption was still new and I carefully placed little pieces of my heart around this site. Ah, how life evolves <3

Mostly, this blog is about my son. He turned two this past summer. He has beautiful, curly blonde hair, the world’s best laugh and quite the adventurous personality. He has a thing for The Wiggles and loves football so much, he already knows how to throw one and yell, “touchdown!” He can recite his ABC’s, play Mario Kart on the Wii and his big, brown eyes are a carbon copy of mine.

My son also lives two hours away from me because he was adopted by a beautiful, loving family shortly after he was born.

I had my “little man,” as everyone in my support system called him when I was pregnant, at the age of 19. I was single, a full-time student, a part-time waitress and Little Man was quite the surprise. After working with Bethany Christian Services throughout my pregnancy, he was adopted by The B’s, the wonderful family I had chosen.

When choosing adoption, my main request was that it be an open one, so that I could watch my Little Man grow up, able to help him learn and love, but also just so he could know me, because after spending nine months with him, being without him would have been impossible. The B’s and I maintain the world’s best open adoption and I generally get to see him at least once a month. I feel so lucky, so blessed that our situation has worked out the way it has.

But every second of every day I’m not with him, I think about him. I look at the pictures of him that I have everywhere and I think of all the things I want to tell him. It’s been that way since the day we separated. So every now and then I would scribble little notes about things I wanted him to know – about me, about life, about love, about living. I wrote down things I wanted him to learn or remember. After collecting an assortment of these notes, I thought I might keep a notebook and give it to him when he got older…but then I thought that a love as powerful as the one I have for him (and his beautiful family) is one that should be shared.

So this blog is also about you, my lovely readers. It’s about everyone who is lucky enough to know and love my Little Man. It’s about parents who have their own little ones to love. It’s about being moms and dads and siblings. It’s about birth mothers and adoptive families who want to know they’re not alone. It’s about all of the things you feel like you should teach to your child, but being clueless as to where you should start. It’s about loving someone so much you feel like your heart could explode from trying to contain it all. It’s about losing people and missing people and loving people. It’s about finding yourself and so many others along the way. It’s about life.

And here’s to you, my beautiful baby boy, my Little Man, my darling Liam Hudson, for giving me mine back. You are my whole world. This is for you.

“To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere without moving anything but your heart.” Phyllis Theroux

12 Responses to “About the Letters”

  1. Mark Ketchum February 25, 2012 at 7:01 pm #

    Such a wonderful idea for a blog… I hope and pray your “little man” grows up knowing how much love he has in his life. I also want you to know that your gift of life is a special one and praise God for you.

  2. twinprint March 7, 2012 at 12:48 pm #

    Just stumbled across your beautiful blog. I hope you do write that book some day! My twin sister and I were the products of closed adoption, typical for the 70s. Your blog breaks my heart in some (joyful, really!) way–your courage, the strength of your entire village, and your son’s, are proof that there is a better way to do most adoptions. I look forward to reading more of your story.



  3. David Leventhal March 21, 2012 at 12:48 pm #

    Thanks to a WordPress tag search I found your blog. I really enjoyed reading some of your posts. Two of my five kiddos are adopted (internationally) & unfortunately we have no idea about birth moms or dads and it absolutely breaks my heart for my two. I’m so glad that you’re able to stay engaged with your son and the adoptive family. Good stuff indeed.

  4. ameliaclaire92 April 14, 2012 at 7:58 pm #

    Okay….I officially think it’s so cool that I actually know you (even though we only met like a week ago). Though I can’t imagine having a child at 19, I think this blog is completely amazing. It allows you to feel closer to Liam even when you’re not with him, and it’s heartbreakingly beautiful. I’ve only read 5 or 6 posts, and I’ve cried twice. Your strength is so so strong, and it’s funny because people tell me I’m strong and courageous and I’ve never been able to understand it, but now I do. When people are strong, you just know it. It’s not something you even have to think about. It’s there, staring you in the face, and the only response is: “Wow. She’s so fearless.”

  5. Life and Ink May 22, 2012 at 2:19 pm #

    You are truly a living embodiment of a saying I have always held as an ideal, “Love multiplies, it does not divide.”

  6. recipeforafamily May 24, 2012 at 5:54 pm #

    This is a wonderful blog. Your son will cherish it! We have one adopted daughter that has an open adoption and two sons from a closed adoption. I wish there was more I could tell my sons about their birth moms and their background. Keep up with the writing!!

  7. intunewithmyautoimmune July 28, 2012 at 3:30 am #

    Love your blog! My husband and I are in the process of adoption and, Lord, we pray we are led to a young woman like yourself. I love the relationship you have with the adoptive parents and the love you have for your son. An amazing testimony to what open adoption should be.

  8. Don't We Look Alike? December 14, 2012 at 11:00 pm #

    What a beautiful description!!

  9. megan December 25, 2012 at 11:14 pm #

    My three live 45 mins from me and I have not seen them nor heard their voices in almost 3 years. I was promised an open adoption only to have it taken from me by the adoptive family. You are so blessed that your little man’s new family lets you in. It will be another 71/2 years until my oldest is 18. Im counting the days till he seeks me out. God bless you, your son, and the family that’s opened their hearts to you both.

    • Letters to Little Man December 28, 2012 at 1:02 pm #

      Hi Megan!
      That kind of situation is exactly what I was afraid of when I first considered adoption. Luckily, my Little Man’s family has kept their promise to me (in spades!) but I’m so, so sorry yours didn’t. For a mother who has already sacrificed so much, you certainly shouldn’t have had that heartbreak on top of it. I’ll count down those 7.5 years with you! Best of luck!

  10. bigdreamslittlefeet March 13, 2013 at 10:05 pm #

    I met Mrs. B about a month ago. Her/your story touched my heart in places I didn’t know existed. My husband & I are just starting our journey of adoption. We can only pray we get chosen by a birth mother as amazing as you. Your heart is huge. God brought all of your beautiful hearts together. Truly inspiring.

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