Tag Archives: Mother’s love

On Your Third Birthday

22 Jul
Photo by C

Super excited about your balloons this past weekend :) Photo by C

Dear Little Man,

Today is a very special day — today is your birthday! Three years ago around this time I was getting hooked up in the hospital room and you were making your presence very well known every four to five minutes. Now, three years later, I’m sitting in my sunny apartment, drinking coffee, writing you this letter and (thankfully) not in desperate need of an epidural.

This is the first birthday I haven’t physically spent with you. I was there when you turned one, and I was there for part of your last actual birthday, but this year your birthday fell on a Monday — so even though I spent this past weekend with you, it feels a little strange not seeing you on this momentous day. Luckily, J solved that strangeness this morning: when I woke up, she’d sent me a video of you asking for me this morning.

“I want Nay Nay,” you said. “I want Nay-Nay to come to Liam’s house.”

Now I know it’s your birthday, but that video was probably the best birthday present I could have ever gotten.

So, on your third birthday, I want you to know something you will eventually get tired of hearing because I have told you (and will continue to tell you) so often: I love you so very much, I couldn’t be prouder of you or happier to be your mom.  The day you were born was the happiest day of my life. Even with the physical pain that preceded your birth or the sadness that followed it when you were placed, that day — July 22, 2010 — was just our day. A day when I only thought of you, no “before” and no “after.” Just you and me and your birth.

When you finally emerged, I remember listening for your cry to know that you were alright and being so relieved when I heard it. When I first held you to my chest, I remember that I counted your fingers and toes to make sure you had ten of each, fascinated by how impossibly small they were. But mostly, I remember seeing you for the first time. I remember when they lifted you up and I finally got to look at you, finally got to see the Little Man I had only felt, only imagined.

It took my breath away.

I was stunned. You were real. You were a person. You existed and I was instantly enamored with you. I have never loved anything so immediately or so fully as I loved you in that moment. It was the kind of moment that writers and poets and literary moguls describe as the moment when time slows down and everything around you just fades away. Everything but that one person that you instantly know you’re in love with. It’s true. I don’t remember what the nurses were saying. I don’t remember what my parents were doing. I don’t remember any of the other noises or sights. I just remember you. I remember seeing you, hearing you and just being…in awe. I was in awe of you — there’s really no other way to describe it. I was in awe but more so, I was in love, and I knew it without really having to know it. It was that instantaneous. It was that pure.

And it’s only grown since then.

I love you more and more with every day, every word, every step, every picture, every video, every visit, every smile, every laugh, every touch, every look. This day three years ago was the most incredible day of my life. Bringing you into this world will forever be the best thing I’ve ever done, followed by placing with with The B’s — the beautiful family that is celebrating you today just as much as I am. They are the family that knows exactly what I mean when I say how completely my love for you overtook me, because the same thing happened to them the first time they saw you. And now, three years later, we’re family. And we play and talk and care and hug and love, tied together at the center that is you. Who knew one little (adorable) blonde boy could create an entire family?

So today we celebrate you. We celebrate your birth. We celebrate that indescribable love we’ve had for you since Day One. And I celebrate that moment at 5:41 PM when I finally got to lay eyes on my beautiful, incredible son. When I finally got to fall in love with the boy instead of just the kicks and the ultrasounds. When I finally got to meet you.

You are my everything, Liam Hudson. Happy Birthday Little Man <3

Seconds after I first laid eyes on you. And so it began... :)

Seconds after I first laid eyes on you. And so it began… :)

Big Day in the Big City

29 May

Me on my 19th birthday, two years ago. With you :)

Guess what, Little Man? Your mama turns 21 today! Yes sir, I am officially the big 2-1 (well…as of 6:11 p.m. tonight technically). You can tell that I’m a mom when it comes to birthdays now because every time my birthday rolls around, I actually think about my mother – I wonder where she was on this day 21 years ago, what was going through her mind, if it’s crazy to her that the tiny baby girl who once fit inside her is now turning 21, living in NYC and has a little one of her own.

Birthdays are a big deal to moms. We get so lost in the excitement of birthdays, in planning parties and celebrating that sometimes we forget that the our moms are the reasons we have birthdays, and that they mean just as much to our moms as they do to us. I know that on your first birthday last year, all I could think about was where I was the year beforehand – that my water broke at 7:00 a.m. That at 11:30 in the morning I finally got my epidural. That you were born at exactly 5:41 p.m.  Maybe after 21 years I’ll stop time-travelling back to the day you were born, but I’m sure I always will a little bit. It’s crazy to me that you’ll be 21 someday. I’ll have to call up Grandma M and ask her how she feels today.

But today is a big deal for another reason – I start my first “big girl” job today with iVillage, part of NBC. I’m interning all summer for their Pregnancy, Parenting, Love and Sex sections. Needless to say, they have me working pretty heavily in the Pregnancy and Parenting section. But that’s wonderful to me. As much as I love relationships and sex (not something you want to know about your mother, I’m sure. Whoops!), doing daily work and research on pregnancy and parenting is a constant reminder of you. Of course, a reminder is unnecessary – even if pictures of you weren’t already plastered on my walls or placed on my desk or featuring as the background to my phone and my iPod, thinking about you every day is natural. You’re a part of me. What can I say? :)

So yes, today is a big day for me. It begins a lot of firsts and will hopefully open many, many doors so that I may one day be able to pass on the inspiration you give to me onto other people. I may do the writing and I may do the work, but you are the cornerstone. You are the necessary component to my drive, to my inspiration. We’re going to change the world someday, you and I. With you as my inspiration, J as my partner, my many friends and family as our support, and the wonderful people who take the time to read your letters, we are going to make a difference in the world. One person at a time.

But this change doesn’t start today. It started one year, ten months and seven days ago. It started with you – you and your beautiful family, all of whom have taught me what it truly means to love and be loved. You may not actively support me (because you’re two and you don’t know what that word means) but you have helped to get me to where I am on this momentous birthday of mine – interning in a city that you only see in movies, at a job doing what I enjoy, working with content I truly love and care about. Today, I am luckiest girl in the world. I love you, and even on the big, busy days, you’re always on my mind – reminding me of the good I’ve done, making me smile.

Knowing that I have you and The B’s is the best birthday present imaginable. My day is already off to a wonderful start. Let’s hope that I end up being really good at my job and my day stays that way :)

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