I’m going to tell you about a dream I have at least once every couple of months. The dream is pretty easy to explain: I’m pregnant in it. But in these pregnancy dreams, I’ve already had you – I’m pregnant again. And in these dreams, I’m always freaking out.
“I can’t do this again!”
“How am I supposed to explain this to my parents?”
“Will The B’s help me raise this one too?”
These are the thoughts that run through the mind of Dream Renee. I loved being pregnant with you. I had so much fun going to doctor’s appointments (the first and only time that has ever happened), watching my growing belly, feeling you move, finally getting to meet you…it was a wonderful experience that I loved and continue to cherish. However, it is not one I plan to repeat for a very long time, and definitely not again until I’m married, which is why this dream always terrifies me a little.
Before you, I wasn’t sure I wanted children at all. Like I’ve told you before, I was never that good with kids, and babies always cried when I held them. I just kind of deemed myself a not-kid-friendly person at an early age, and I never gave having kids much thought. But when I found out about you at that doctor’s appointment in December 2009, I suddenly knew I wanted kids. More accurately, I wanted you. But ever since then, I’ve known that I’d really like to have more kids someday, when my life and relationships are more stable. Seeing you and how you’ve turned out and knowing how much I love you has been enough to convince me of that.
But to be honest, I have no idea how this will play out where you’re concerned. I don’t know how you’d take me having more kids. Hopefully you’d be excited. Or maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal to you at all. Of course it’s way too early to think about it, but I like to worry prematurely anyways. I’m a mother. It’s in my contract.
My biggest worry is that you’d think that me having another baby would take away from my love for you. That somehow with another little presence in my world, my love would have to be spread out more thinly, that I would have to take from the love I allotted to my first child and give it to my second. You’d be wrong about that if you thought it. My love wouldn’t be spread out – it would grow, expand, multiply.
You are like a first love (literally and metaphorically). The intensity of it is so new and so real because you’ve never felt anything like it before. The whole experience changes the way you view the world, it teaches you new things, and all of this beauty and happiness you feel is linked to one, singular person. And now matter how long you are together, or how much time passes between that first love and the present day, you will forever have a special link to them. You will love people after them, but not in the same way. That doesn’t mean you love the people who come later any less – it’s just meaningful and beautiful in a different way. Nobody forgets their first love. That person leaves imprints on the heart forever that no one elses footprints will be able to match. And you, my Little Man, are unmatchable.
Though your father C was my first romantic love, you were a whole new, powerful kind of first love. And no matter who I marry or how many kids I have, you were the first. Though I certainly will love any other children I have, my love for you will be special. It will always be one-of-a-kind. Because you taught me what it was to love someone more than myself. You changed the way I saw the world, and everything that has happened since is linked with you. It always will be. I love you like I will never love anyone else. Iwilllove, certainly, and all of those loves will be unique in their own way, too. But you were the first, and that means something. Never forget it.
Also, none of this will be an issue until at least ten years from now, if not more. I’ll leave any other kids before then to Dream Renee. Though I’m sure The B’s would happily help me raise another beautiful miracle, I’m done for now. You and I will figure the rest out down the road, but right now, I love that you’re my one and only. Plus, you’re just so wonderful in every possible way, who would want to mess with success? ;)
Letters to Little Man 
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