Tag Archives: Open adoption

The Beginning of You and Me: Our First Photos

31 May

Last night, I was thinking about the letter I wanted to write you today. I figured since I’m so picture-and-video-happy all the time that I would try to find some of the first pictures and videos I have of you. So I began the search through folders upon folders of pictures on my laptop, on USB drives, in e-mails I’d been sent by The B’s,everywhere.

Then I realized that Grandma M actually took our first photos together. She was my “labor coach” I guess you would say. She held my hand through the pushing, was the one who reminded me to breathe, who whispered words of encouragement when it was getting really hard (I love you, but I did not love labor. I take that back. I loved my epidural).

So when you finally arrived and my hands no longer needed to hold anything but you, she grabbed the camera and the official documentation of your life began. It has yet to stop. I doubt it ever will (because J would never let it, and I love her for that). I’m so very happy that I got to be a part of those first pictures with you. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so at peace in my entire life than I did when they put you on my chest. Because our first pictures weren’t just pictures of us – they were pictures of the moment the best part of my life began.

 

Copying me? :)

 

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Little Man Can Sing!

30 May

The day after a big birthday is kind of like the day after Christmas – you’re coming off a high, and the anticipation of the big day is gone but luckily, you’re left with a lot of gifts to distract you from that. However, being pretty far away from most of my close friends and family on my 21st, I only got three real gifts.

The first is my ability to purchase alcohol for the rest of my life.

The second gift I got was my job, and true to form, it certainly distracts me because I’m busy all day long. I’m one of those silly interns who is so unbelievably excited to be an intern. The only reason it’s silly is because not that many people get super excited to do a whole lot of grunt work for no money at all. But your mom is a nerd sometimes. I love it!

The third gift is my favorite though, because it’s from you and The B’s. A big hug goes from my heart to J’s for thinking of this and sending it to me. Yet another wonderful reminder of how beautiful open adoption can be. I can’t tell you how many times I replayed it. Over and over and over again for half an hour at least, probably more. I love you so much Little Man. Thank you for song! It absolutely made my birthday a perfect day.

 

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Big Day in the Big City

29 May

Me on my 19th birthday, two years ago. With you :)

Guess what, Little Man? Your mama turns 21 today! Yes sir, I am officially the big 2-1 (well…as of 6:11 p.m. tonight technically). You can tell that I’m a mom when it comes to birthdays now because every time my birthday rolls around, I actually think about my mother – I wonder where she was on this day 21 years ago, what was going through her mind, if it’s crazy to her that the tiny baby girl who once fit inside her is now turning 21, living in NYC and has a little one of her own.

Birthdays are a big deal to moms. We get so lost in the excitement of birthdays, in planning parties and celebrating that sometimes we forget that the our moms are the reasons we have birthdays, and that they mean just as much to our moms as they do to us. I know that on your first birthday last year, all I could think about was where I was the year beforehand – that my water broke at 7:00 a.m. That at 11:30 in the morning I finally got my epidural. That you were born at exactly 5:41 p.m.  Maybe after 21 years I’ll stop time-travelling back to the day you were born, but I’m sure I always will a little bit. It’s crazy to me that you’ll be 21 someday. I’ll have to call up Grandma M and ask her how she feels today.

But today is a big deal for another reason – I start my first “big girl” job today with iVillage, part of NBC. I’m interning all summer for their Pregnancy, Parenting, Love and Sex sections. Needless to say, they have me working pretty heavily in the Pregnancy and Parenting section. But that’s wonderful to me. As much as I love relationships and sex (not something you want to know about your mother, I’m sure. Whoops!), doing daily work and research on pregnancy and parenting is a constant reminder of you. Of course, a reminder is unnecessary – even if pictures of you weren’t already plastered on my walls or placed on my desk or featuring as the background to my phone and my iPod, thinking about you every day is natural. You’re a part of me. What can I say? :)

So yes, today is a big day for me. It begins a lot of firsts and will hopefully open many, many doors so that I may one day be able to pass on the inspiration you give to me onto other people. I may do the writing and I may do the work, but you are the cornerstone. You are the necessary component to my drive, to my inspiration. We’re going to change the world someday, you and I. With you as my inspiration, J as my partner, my many friends and family as our support, and the wonderful people who take the time to read your letters, we are going to make a difference in the world. One person at a time.

But this change doesn’t start today. It started one year, ten months and seven days ago. It started with you – you and your beautiful family, all of whom have taught me what it truly means to love and be loved. You may not actively support me (because you’re two and you don’t know what that word means) but you have helped to get me to where I am on this momentous birthday of mine – interning in a city that you only see in movies, at a job doing what I enjoy, working with content I truly love and care about. Today, I am luckiest girl in the world. I love you, and even on the big, busy days, you’re always on my mind – reminding me of the good I’ve done, making me smile.

Knowing that I have you and The B’s is the best birthday present imaginable. My day is already off to a wonderful start. Let’s hope that I end up being really good at my job and my day stays that way :)

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Our Beach Trip Pictures

28 May

These are just a few of the many. I tend to get very picture-happy around you…

(Click on one and they get bigger and you can scroll through :) )

You and The B’s started off my summer in the best, most perfect way possible. I can’t wait until our next adventure, Little Man. And thank you, Uncle Kevin, for lending us the beach house!

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Bubbles, Bubbles Everywhere

27 May

While we were at the beach, you had a lot of favorite things to do. You liked to open and close the door to the mini-fridge in the dining room. You liked to go up and down the stairs. You like to play in the pool on the back deck, or the “wa-wa” (although I’ve been told that you’ve already outgrown that little saying and you officially call it “water” now). You liked to watch Elmo a lot – on the iPad, on the TV, in toy form. Elmo was definitely a big deal.

But another one of your favorite things was playing with bubbles. You’ve always gotten a kick out of bubbles – I remember E, Sports Man and I using the “bubble gun” to rain bubbles down on you before you were even a year old and you just loved it! You may be bigger now, but that much hasn’t changed.

But at the beach, we came with reinforcements. We had the bubble gun, a smaller bubble wand and at least two other bubble-blowing devices. Anytime I blew bubbles, you would walk over to me and act like you wanted to blow a bubble too. Except that once you got close enough to the bubbles, you would just stick the bubble wand in your mouth. But when you weren’t eating the bubbles, you loved to run around and pop them, and every time you did, you would squeal and laugh as if it was the coolest thing you’d done all day. I think that’s part of the magic of being a kid – the smallest things are the coolest things. And as the lucky lady who gets to call herself your mom (one of two lucky ladies!), I get to be a part of that magic. And believe me, if anyone adds magic to my life, it’s you.

I hope that someday you understand how much joy you bring to my life – it’s a figure that has gone up exponentially ever since you were discovered. I love you so much, sometimes I don’t even think I fully comprehend the power of it. It’s a love beyond description. And I’m reminded of it every day – every time I see a picture or think back to a fun memory from one of our many, many get togethers. I’m reminded of that love every day because I think about you every single day. Thank you for the happiness you bring to my life.

And thank you for renewing my appreciation in the art of blowing bubbles. Or, I suppose in your case, eating them.

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Adoption and Christmas Morning

24 Apr

I’m pretty sure this is the first picture The B’s ever saw of you. I took it with my phone the day after you were born and sent it to E’s phone. J said your chin was one of the first things she noticed too.

I really wish I could have been there to see them get that photo. It’s kind of like Christmas – you like getting presents, but you’re almost more excited to see the reactions of the people you bought presents for. I would have loved to have seen their first glimpse at you. But I got to be there the first time they saw you in person, and it was very cool. I got most of that day on film.

My excitement over sending them this picture reminds me of the beautiful side of adoption. Of course, the beautiful side is the side I have always seen, but there were times when the thought of adoption would make me cry, just at the thought of losing you. But I never did lose you. I never will, thanks to The B’s.

The side of adoption this picture reminds me of is the giving side. Babies and children that go up for adoption are these beautiful, angelic answered prayers. They aren’t” just babies” or “just kids.” They are miracles. 

I spoke at an adoption convention for Bethany Christian Services a little less than a year after you were born. I was the only birth mother on a panel of adoptive parents and we were all asked to share our stories. Every single adoptive mother, father and family cried telling their stories. They cried because they were so grateful. They were so happy and felt so blessed to have their adopted children in their lives. These children were dreams come true for them and their happiness was so uncontainable, it couldn’t possibly fit into words. No matter what these parents had to do – no matter how long they had to wait or how much pain or sadness they had to endure, they stuck it out. Because to them, miracles such as yourself are worth more than all the pain in the world.

I know that you are an answered prayer for so many people in so many different ways. You are a gift. You came into this world destined to bring love not just to me, but to so many others. And to me, that is the beauty of adoption, especially an open one like ours. Love is spread. Dreams are realized. Prayers are answered. All because of one, tiny person that one brave woman was willing to share. I’m so glad I did, too. You were – and are – much too special to have kept all to myself.

If it were possible to thank the actual concept of adoption, I would thank it for allowing love to be spread like that. But most of my thanks is to you, for bringing joy to the lives of many, for being a ray of hope and happiness to all of your families.

You’ll have to ask your parents about that picture one day, and their thoughts and reactions when they first saw it. I’m sure it really was just like Christmas morning :)

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First Fair, Last Visit

19 Apr

Five days before you were born, The B’s came into town. This was the third time we had gotten together, including the first time I met them. They asked if they could come down and we could all do something together. They had met my parents – Pop-pop 3 and Grandma M – during their last visit, so this one was just purely for fun and to continue to get to know each other.

We started out this visit by getting pizza at a local (and very eclectic) pizza joint downtown, and then we continued to an indoor craft fair. My hometown is very artsy so anytime there is an art or craft fair of any kind, you are bound to come across some very beautiful and unique things. You know how creative J is – looking back, this was probably the perfect outing for her!

We all walked around the indoor fair for a couple of hours. I kept getting comments on my stomach – people asking me how far along I was, enduring multiple “you look like you’re about to ‘pop!’” comments, etc. Of course, I had no idea on that Saturday that you would be here by Thursday – I kept telling people I had over a week to go (you were 11 days early from the due date the doctors gave me. I’d say they got that one wrong).

I remember walking around and looking at the crafts with J and E. We pointed out the things we liked and the things we didn’t; J and I looked at a lot of jewelry, E was impressed by some creative woodwork and cabinetry, and Grandma M looked at a little bit of everything. As we went J talked about ideas she had for the nursery, crafts she liked to make, and things she thought I could make to decorate your bedroom with. That was they day I learned how crafty she was – she had some really cute ideas, knew of at least half a dozen great craft websites and we actually liked a lot of the same things. I took that as a good sign.

By the time we got to the downstairs of the exhibit, I had to sit down at least every ten minutes. You were a perfectly average sized baby when you were born (7 lbs, 6 oz), but my lower back just wasn’t having it by that last week. Luckily the downstairs was where a lot of the woodwork was done so I found a lot of benches to sit on. I remember that the handmade musical instruments were downstairs too. E knew quite a bit about them and that was when I learned about his avid love for music.

After the art fair, we went back to Grandma M and Pop-pop 3’s house. When we got there, we ate a little bit and then J took our first family photo (minus Sports Man – you were a surprise for him, so he didn’t know about me OR you then)! The photo was followed by E showing me the first videos I ever saw of Sports Man. It reminds me of what I do with you now – showing off pictures, incredibly proud of videos, bragging as much as I can because I love you so much. There were videos of him reading (he’s the original child prodigy), playing basketball, receiving trophies, and a couple more. I think that when I made my most important realization of the day: I saw how much The B’s loved him and I realized that that was how much they would love you. I saw how much love they had to give and would give to my Little Man. And I was not wrong – they do love you more than words can say. They have from day one.

It was a wonderful visit. I love pizza and art fairs in my hometown all the time, but this day was particularly special. I had met The B’s twice and learned more and more about them every time, but I realized that I could truly love them like family that day, because that was when I discovered just how much love they had to give. Or more aptly, how much love they wanted to give. You are part of one of the most loving families I’ve ever met, and I wouldn’t have it any other way, partly because I get to share it too.

I’ve been to at least one craft fair with J since then. She actually makes and sells her own crafts now, and I love them. And since I’m family, I tend to get free samples :) But with every art fair I go to – with The B’s or with someone else – I’m reminded of that first one. And when J and I talk about it, we always mention how cool it is to see how much we’ve grown as a family, and how much we know and share now versus the uncertainty of “then.”

And personally, I have to say, I’m loving the “now.”

Our first family photo. I had gained water weight. We will never mention it.

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A Letter from Dad

12 Apr

Yesterday, I got an e-mail from C. He had written me a letter – he told me that he’d been reading the letters I write to you. He reread the ones he’d already looked at, and read the new ones he missed, and they moved him, and he wanted me to know that he loved me for it. It was a nice surprise! Then, he wrote a letter to you.

Funny thing is, I was thinking about C the day before he e-mailed me. I was wondering what he was up to, where he’d been, how he was. I almost called him, but I got caught up in school work and forgot. Then I woke up yesterday morning, and I had e-mail from him. I thought to myself how it interesting it was that we were linked like that. Like I somehow thought of him strongly enough for him to feel it and respond – a cosmic connection of sorts. Then I realized our “link” isn’t so strange – it’s you. I get to keep the first love of my life in my life forever because of you. Not in the same way, but in a way that’s just as good. My first love is now my family. Not many girls get that lucky.

So, Little Man, this is a letter from your dad :)

—-

Dear Little Man…

I have so many things to say to you, so much love to give and so little space to do it all. But first I want to take a second and tell you that if you are close to Renee while reading this, hug her and give her a great big kiss on the cheek. If she’s away, doing whatever amazing things it is she does nowadays, call her and tell her you love her. She loves you more than life itself, as I’m sure you can tell from these letters. And while I know for a fact that you love her, I also know that a hug from you can make any day amazing, and who knows, she may need it today.

With that said I want to tell you I love you, more than I can show. I’m the kind of guy that might have the occasional difficulty with letting the most important people in his life know how important they are, but I never, ever, ever, ever want you to doubt the fact that I love you and am so proud of everything you are and will be.

About three months from the time I’m writing this, you will be two years old. That amazes and blesses me. It blows my mind how much you’ve grown since the first time I saw you when I visited The B’s at their home about a month after you were born. It also amazes me that as little bitty as you were, that’s the first time I remember noticing that you reminded of my Grandaddy, your Great-Grandaddy. And still there is something I see in your eyes every time that makes me think of him. Maybe it’s the way your hair grows out all curly like his, or the fact that I know how much he would love to know you and so loves you now, even though he’s gone. Sometimes I like to think that when he got to heaven, he might have seen you getting ready to come down here and smiled, knowing that you would be an answered prayer and blessing to The B’s, and a blessing in disguise to me and Renee and our families as well. We were both so scared when we found out you were on your way, but through all the tears and mountains of fear, I would never trade the life I get to have watching you grow into the man you will be for anything.

I’ve always had this crazy little dream of being a musician, and until you, that dream was all about me. But when I met you and fell in love with you, it became about you too. I wanted to achieve my dreams more than I ever had before. Maybe because I want you to be as proud that I am a part of your life as I am that you’re a part of mine, or maybe because I want the whole world to hear about you in a song someday. But I want you to know that through all the guitars I play, all the songs I write and all the shows I perform, you are always on my mind. My dream has kind of changed from being a big successful musician to one day hearing that you were riding in the car, on your way to school and you asked J or E (who both have amazing musical tastes by the way) what song that is on the radio, and they were able to say, “That’s C playing for you.” That to me would be more success than any amount of money could ever buy.

About two months ago Renee gave me a Hope Box that she painted and filled with little things. It was supposed to be a present she made for me after she found out about you, but she held on to it until this year :) Well when I got it, it was filled of things that reminded me of my dreams: guitars, big cities and great songs, but it was also filled with things that reminded me of you. I immediately added to it your little hand print from your first Christmas. About a month later you and The B’s came for a visit, and I had this pair of sunglasses that I bought in Nashville and loved. Well as soon as I picked you up to hug you that day what did you reach for? My glasses. They were bent up before anyone could even try to get them away from you, and I have never been happier. You kept giving them to me and getting me to hold them on your face because they were too big for you, and every time they fell off you would laugh that famous laugh you have. I didn’t care about the glasses – you were so happy and having so much fun with them, and so was I :) As soon as I got home that night they went in my box as a little reminder of how amazing it is to see you smile.

Well, it’s late and I have to work in the morning so I believe I’ve rambled long enough. My little “note” has turned into a book I’m afraid. I love you Little Man, more than I love myself, even more than I love music, and nothing in the universe can change that. Ever. Hug and kiss The B’s for me!

With Love Forever and Always,

C

The first time C ever saw you :)

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A Weekend at the Orchard

11 Apr

When you were almost two months old, The B’s came to my hometown and we all went apple picking together. The orchard we went to was actually on a mountaintop and it was a beautiful September afternoon.  I’d never been to an orchard before, and – quite obviously – neither had you. The fact that it was on a mountaintop only added to the beauty of it. It was a first for both of us.

I had so much fun. When The B’s got there, they immediately handed you over to me and I got to carry you around in your little Baby Bjorn the whole day. You slept most of the time and we had a little hat to cover your head, but your little chubby legs stuck out the bottom of it. I played with your feet a lot.

Aunt S came with us and she helped Sports Man pick out his favorite apples. The orchard was laid out so that trees with the same kind of apples were lined up in rows, so you knew where to look for your favorites. If I had to pick one, I’d probably sad Red Delicious were my favorite, but quite honestly, I still can’t tell a whole lot of difference between different apple types, even though I love them. I’m pretty sure I ate more apple doughnuts that day than I did actual apples anyway (I’ll bring you back one day because you have to try those doughnuts. They’re incredible).

There was a part of the orchard where they kept animals, too. We walked through the woods to a lake and you could buy a handful of food to feed them. Sports Man got a kick out of that part. Towards the end of our orchard trip, we all curled up under the shade of a giant tree and ate some of our goodies (doughnuts!). J and I laid you out on a blanket and just looked at you and played with you and talked some. Back then, we were still getting to know each other. Every now and then we reminisce on those times and it’s so funny to us how far we’ve come since then. Comparing how close we are now to how little we knew then…it certainly has been a journey. A very, very fun one.

After the orchard, we met up at the restaurant where I work, and we all ate there. It was the first time anyone at work had gotten to meet you – you were a hit. Everyone loved you; they still do (quite a few of your Aunts work there). It was the first time I ever really got to show you off, and you know how I love to do that. You got a little fussy during dinner, so I took you outside and bounced you around until you fell asleep. I didn’t even need food – I would have walked around outside with you all night. People who walked by kept complimenting me on you, saying how cute you were, how sweet you were. I smiled and said thank you, enjoying my little, stolen moment of parenthood. I danced around with you as I rocked you. I sang a little bit (it’s not really anything you want to hear). Mostly I just whispered that I loved you over and over again.

I was a great weekend. The next morning before you left, C and I got together with The B’s really early and had breakfast at your hotel. Every visit, especially those early ones, are such wonderful memories of spending time with you and getting to know The B’s. We learned so much about each other and with every visit we had, the more we wanted another one. We almost never left one visit without planning the next. As they left that September, I knew I would down visiting you three weeks later for Sports Man’s birthday party. That was one of the many things The B’s did to try to make the adoption process as easy on me as possible – planning out the next visits, so I always knew when I would see you again. And it really did help. I think that’s what helped me heal as fast as I did. I never had to feel as though I “lost” you. They never let that happen.

You always give me something to look forward to. And now, I rarely have to wait. We’re all so in love with each other, I hear from The B’s at least a few times a week. I love them. I love the memories I have of the trips we’ve taken and the visits we’ve made. I still have my Liam-sized apple (as we deemed the itty, bitty apples) to remind me of that trip. It’s held up really well – just like everything else.

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Already a Ladies Man

9 Apr

Hopefully, you know that you are loved like crazy. And the beauty of open adoption is that you have the chance to be loved by twice as many people. You’re loved by two moms, two dads, eight grandparents, six first cousins, and there’s no way I’m going to try to count second cousins.

 What I love most though is how many Aunts you have. Not the literal kind though – the only legitimate aunt you have is C’s younger sister M. I mean the Aunts who deemed themselves members of your family before you were ever born, because long ago, they deemed themselves members of my family. I’m talking about my closest friends, friends who have loved you since I showed them your ultrasound pictures, friends who clamor to see you every time you’re in town or ask to drive down with me whenever I go to visit you.

 I would truly be lost without my friends, your Aunts. They mean the world to me – they support me, they listen to me, they talk to me. We swap stories and laughter, stay with each other through happiness and sadness. We love each other unconditionally, just like family. My friendships with these girls have withstood tests of time and trial and distance and strife. We fight but we make up because we can’t stand being mad at each other. The B’s are a beautiful example of how friends can be family just as much as your actual family can. These girls are no different.

 My closest friends are your Aunts S, J, NYC, and Russia. Your Aunt S came with me to almost every doctor’s appointment and a few of my child birthing classes. She and Aunt J came to the hospital when I was in labor. When Aunt J got the call the I was at the hospital she flew out of the house in the first outfit she could find without so much as taking a shower. Of course, then she sat there for five or six hours until you were finally born, but she likes to tell the story. I almost slept over at her house the night before you were born. If I had, my water would have broken all over her sofa. It would have made for a great story, but I would have been a little bummed – I love that sofa.

 Aunt J is actually your Godmother, on my side of things anyway. She actually got an owl tattoo on her back, so that you’re with her everywhere she goes too. She spent a large majority of my pregnancy with me – we liked to say that she had “sympathy cravings” because I always took her with me when I wanted food. We went to Bojangles a lot…I had a thing for the fries. You’ll have to try them someday.

 Your Aunt NYC has actually never met you, because she lives – take a wild guess – in New York City. She was the first person I called when I found out about you. At the time she was living in NC, so the next day she took me out last-minute Christmas shopping with her mom and we talked and she hugged me and made me laugh and let the shock wear off. She sends you stuff all the time – she sent you baby clothes after you were born and tries to plan visits to The B’s place every time she’s in town. She follows all of your pictures on J’s Facebook.

 Aunt Russia loves babies. End of story. She always comments on how adorable you are and she goes out of her way to visit you every time you’re in town too. She and Aunt S and Aunt J came down to The B’s for your 1st birthday. She takes a bunch of pictures of you and – back when you still let people hold you – she would snag you every chance she got. As you may have guessed, she’s Russian. Well, Belarusian actually, which means she’s stunningly beautiful and crazy tough. Especially where you’re concerned – she could and would scare the daylights out of anyone who was treating you wrong. She’s almost as protective over you as I am, and that’s saying something.

 Aunt S actually came to live with me when I was pregnant. She slept downstairs with me when my stomach got big enough to move me out of the twin bed upstairs to the full size futon downstairs. She came to the appointments and the classes, she showed off your ultrasound pictures like they were her own, and she left me a voicemail congratulating me on having a boy before I actually had the ultrasound that proved it. She was the first of my friends to meet The B’s and they still love her dearly. She still shows off pictures of you like you’re her actual nephew, because honestly you are. That’s what she calls you when she talks about you. She’s ridiculously proud of you, just like me. And just like me, you mean the world to her too.

 I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that my friends are a part of your life. And the best thing is, I know they always will be. They’ve been there for me for years, and sometimes I swear they’re starting to love you more than they do me. We love you so much and we will always be here for you. Because if there is anything that these beautiful, wonderful women are good at, it’s giving constant support and endless love.

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