Tag Archives: Adoption

I Miss You Extra

7 Jun

 

Happy Thursday handsome man! I don’t have any quirky stories to tell today (well, I do because you’re just a quirky little guy), but today I just wanted to tell you that I love you. I’m always thinking about you, always wishing I was with you, always wanting to be by your side.

I hope you are having one of the best days with one of the best families I know. I wish I could explain how lucky I feel to have you but I’d run out breath before I ran out of things to say. I hope that one, you understand how madly in love with you I am. You’re my everything. I miss you extra today. I can’t wait to see you again my beautiful boy. Forty-three days and you’re all mine. I can hardly wait.

No matter where you are or what you’re doing, you’re always on my mind. I love you so, so much. I will never let you forget it because I’m going to spend the rest of my life reminding you.

Yours forever and ever and always,

Nay-Nay

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Everyone Loves a Hot Dog Truck

5 Jun

One day, you’re going to ask what you were like when you were little. And even if you don’t, I’m going to tell you anyways because I don’t discriminate on who my audience is when it comes to bragging about you. And when I do tell you, one of the first things I’m going to say is, “You were the most lovable baby in the whole world, and I’ve never fallen in love with anyone faster in my entire life,” followed closely by, “You loved hot dogs and driving small vehicles more than anything else in the whole wide world.” Tractors, golf carts and the ever-wonderful “dot dog” are your best friends right now.

So when J sent me a picture of you driving a mini-hot dog truck, I knew you were in toddler heaven. I suppose I should say terrible-two heaven – apparently you threw a nice little tantrum upon being removed from said hot dog truck. Don’t worry…even when you’re screaming and crying, we love you anyways. Being the most lovable baby in whole world helps you out a lot in that department :)

 

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If You’re Happy and You Know It…

1 Jun

Reason I Love You #28: You have the best smile in the whole wide world. I remember when you started to smile all the time, I couldn’t take enough pictures of you. This is one J sent to me. The two bottom teeth just kill me. I absolutely love it. It’s impossible to look at this picture – and your adorable, smiling face – and not feel happy.

Of course, when you started to laugh, my new goal in life was to do whatever it took to make you giggle, since I’ve already told you that your laugh is one of my favorite things ever – and I do mean one of my favorite things ever. But even when you just smiled and made gurgling noises, I was in love.

You still smile all the time. You laugh at silly things. And I’ve gotten pretty good at making you giggle, so I feel accomplished in life. But the reason I love your beautiful smile and your wonderful laugh is because it means you’re happy. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you – to be happy. So every time you give me or J anyone else a huge grin like that one, I truly feel accomplished, like I’ve finally done what I set out to do. That’s one of the reasons why I chose adoption in the first place – so that you would never have to worry or struggle, so that smiles and laughter were all you knew of life for as long as possible. And with a family like The B’s, it’s impossible not to be that way. They are the best thing that’s ever happened to me (aside from you) and they’ve helped to make you into the happy baby you are and for that I’m eternally grateful.

I hope you keep on smiling. Even into your “terrible twos.” But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it…

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The Beginning of You and Me: Our First Photos

31 May

Last night, I was thinking about the letter I wanted to write you today. I figured since I’m so picture-and-video-happy all the time that I would try to find some of the first pictures and videos I have of you. So I began the search through folders upon folders of pictures on my laptop, on USB drives, in e-mails I’d been sent by The B’s,everywhere.

Then I realized that Grandma M actually took our first photos together. She was my “labor coach” I guess you would say. She held my hand through the pushing, was the one who reminded me to breathe, who whispered words of encouragement when it was getting really hard (I love you, but I did not love labor. I take that back. I loved my epidural).

So when you finally arrived and my hands no longer needed to hold anything but you, she grabbed the camera and the official documentation of your life began. It has yet to stop. I doubt it ever will (because J would never let it, and I love her for that). I’m so very happy that I got to be a part of those first pictures with you. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so at peace in my entire life than I did when they put you on my chest. Because our first pictures weren’t just pictures of us – they were pictures of the moment the best part of my life began.

 

Copying me? :)

 

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Little Man Can Sing!

30 May

The day after a big birthday is kind of like the day after Christmas – you’re coming off a high, and the anticipation of the big day is gone but luckily, you’re left with a lot of gifts to distract you from that. However, being pretty far away from most of my close friends and family on my 21st, I only got three real gifts.

The first is my ability to purchase alcohol for the rest of my life.

The second gift I got was my job, and true to form, it certainly distracts me because I’m busy all day long. I’m one of those silly interns who is so unbelievably excited to be an intern. The only reason it’s silly is because not that many people get super excited to do a whole lot of grunt work for no money at all. But your mom is a nerd sometimes. I love it!

The third gift is my favorite though, because it’s from you and The B’s. A big hug goes from my heart to J’s for thinking of this and sending it to me. Yet another wonderful reminder of how beautiful open adoption can be. I can’t tell you how many times I replayed it. Over and over and over again for half an hour at least, probably more. I love you so much Little Man. Thank you for song! It absolutely made my birthday a perfect day.

 

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Big Day in the Big City

29 May

Me on my 19th birthday, two years ago. With you :)

Guess what, Little Man? Your mama turns 21 today! Yes sir, I am officially the big 2-1 (well…as of 6:11 p.m. tonight technically). You can tell that I’m a mom when it comes to birthdays now because every time my birthday rolls around, I actually think about my mother – I wonder where she was on this day 21 years ago, what was going through her mind, if it’s crazy to her that the tiny baby girl who once fit inside her is now turning 21, living in NYC and has a little one of her own.

Birthdays are a big deal to moms. We get so lost in the excitement of birthdays, in planning parties and celebrating that sometimes we forget that the our moms are the reasons we have birthdays, and that they mean just as much to our moms as they do to us. I know that on your first birthday last year, all I could think about was where I was the year beforehand – that my water broke at 7:00 a.m. That at 11:30 in the morning I finally got my epidural. That you were born at exactly 5:41 p.m.  Maybe after 21 years I’ll stop time-travelling back to the day you were born, but I’m sure I always will a little bit. It’s crazy to me that you’ll be 21 someday. I’ll have to call up Grandma M and ask her how she feels today.

But today is a big deal for another reason – I start my first “big girl” job today with iVillage, part of NBC. I’m interning all summer for their Pregnancy, Parenting, Love and Sex sections. Needless to say, they have me working pretty heavily in the Pregnancy and Parenting section. But that’s wonderful to me. As much as I love relationships and sex (not something you want to know about your mother, I’m sure. Whoops!), doing daily work and research on pregnancy and parenting is a constant reminder of you. Of course, a reminder is unnecessary – even if pictures of you weren’t already plastered on my walls or placed on my desk or featuring as the background to my phone and my iPod, thinking about you every day is natural. You’re a part of me. What can I say? :)

So yes, today is a big day for me. It begins a lot of firsts and will hopefully open many, many doors so that I may one day be able to pass on the inspiration you give to me onto other people. I may do the writing and I may do the work, but you are the cornerstone. You are the necessary component to my drive, to my inspiration. We’re going to change the world someday, you and I. With you as my inspiration, J as my partner, my many friends and family as our support, and the wonderful people who take the time to read your letters, we are going to make a difference in the world. One person at a time.

But this change doesn’t start today. It started one year, ten months and seven days ago. It started with you – you and your beautiful family, all of whom have taught me what it truly means to love and be loved. You may not actively support me (because you’re two and you don’t know what that word means) but you have helped to get me to where I am on this momentous birthday of mine – interning in a city that you only see in movies, at a job doing what I enjoy, working with content I truly love and care about. Today, I am luckiest girl in the world. I love you, and even on the big, busy days, you’re always on my mind – reminding me of the good I’ve done, making me smile.

Knowing that I have you and The B’s is the best birthday present imaginable. My day is already off to a wonderful start. Let’s hope that I end up being really good at my job and my day stays that way :)

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Our Beach Trip Pictures

28 May

These are just a few of the many. I tend to get very picture-happy around you…

(Click on one and they get bigger and you can scroll through :) )

You and The B’s started off my summer in the best, most perfect way possible. I can’t wait until our next adventure, Little Man. And thank you, Uncle Kevin, for lending us the beach house!

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Bubbles, Bubbles Everywhere

27 May

While we were at the beach, you had a lot of favorite things to do. You liked to open and close the door to the mini-fridge in the dining room. You liked to go up and down the stairs. You like to play in the pool on the back deck, or the “wa-wa” (although I’ve been told that you’ve already outgrown that little saying and you officially call it “water” now). You liked to watch Elmo a lot – on the iPad, on the TV, in toy form. Elmo was definitely a big deal.

But another one of your favorite things was playing with bubbles. You’ve always gotten a kick out of bubbles – I remember E, Sports Man and I using the “bubble gun” to rain bubbles down on you before you were even a year old and you just loved it! You may be bigger now, but that much hasn’t changed.

But at the beach, we came with reinforcements. We had the bubble gun, a smaller bubble wand and at least two other bubble-blowing devices. Anytime I blew bubbles, you would walk over to me and act like you wanted to blow a bubble too. Except that once you got close enough to the bubbles, you would just stick the bubble wand in your mouth. But when you weren’t eating the bubbles, you loved to run around and pop them, and every time you did, you would squeal and laugh as if it was the coolest thing you’d done all day. I think that’s part of the magic of being a kid – the smallest things are the coolest things. And as the lucky lady who gets to call herself your mom (one of two lucky ladies!), I get to be a part of that magic. And believe me, if anyone adds magic to my life, it’s you.

I hope that someday you understand how much joy you bring to my life – it’s a figure that has gone up exponentially ever since you were discovered. I love you so much, sometimes I don’t even think I fully comprehend the power of it. It’s a love beyond description. And I’m reminded of it every day – every time I see a picture or think back to a fun memory from one of our many, many get togethers. I’m reminded of that love every day because I think about you every single day. Thank you for the happiness you bring to my life.

And thank you for renewing my appreciation in the art of blowing bubbles. Or, I suppose in your case, eating them.

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Adoption and Christmas Morning

24 Apr

I’m pretty sure this is the first picture The B’s ever saw of you. I took it with my phone the day after you were born and sent it to E’s phone. J said your chin was one of the first things she noticed too.

I really wish I could have been there to see them get that photo. It’s kind of like Christmas – you like getting presents, but you’re almost more excited to see the reactions of the people you bought presents for. I would have loved to have seen their first glimpse at you. But I got to be there the first time they saw you in person, and it was very cool. I got most of that day on film.

My excitement over sending them this picture reminds me of the beautiful side of adoption. Of course, the beautiful side is the side I have always seen, but there were times when the thought of adoption would make me cry, just at the thought of losing you. But I never did lose you. I never will, thanks to The B’s.

The side of adoption this picture reminds me of is the giving side. Babies and children that go up for adoption are these beautiful, angelic answered prayers. They aren’t” just babies” or “just kids.” They are miracles. 

I spoke at an adoption convention for Bethany Christian Services a little less than a year after you were born. I was the only birth mother on a panel of adoptive parents and we were all asked to share our stories. Every single adoptive mother, father and family cried telling their stories. They cried because they were so grateful. They were so happy and felt so blessed to have their adopted children in their lives. These children were dreams come true for them and their happiness was so uncontainable, it couldn’t possibly fit into words. No matter what these parents had to do – no matter how long they had to wait or how much pain or sadness they had to endure, they stuck it out. Because to them, miracles such as yourself are worth more than all the pain in the world.

I know that you are an answered prayer for so many people in so many different ways. You are a gift. You came into this world destined to bring love not just to me, but to so many others. And to me, that is the beauty of adoption, especially an open one like ours. Love is spread. Dreams are realized. Prayers are answered. All because of one, tiny person that one brave woman was willing to share. I’m so glad I did, too. You were – and are – much too special to have kept all to myself.

If it were possible to thank the actual concept of adoption, I would thank it for allowing love to be spread like that. But most of my thanks is to you, for bringing joy to the lives of many, for being a ray of hope and happiness to all of your families.

You’ll have to ask your parents about that picture one day, and their thoughts and reactions when they first saw it. I’m sure it really was just like Christmas morning :)

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The Best Five Percent

27 Mar

I talked about you in class today. We were talking about teenage pregnancy and I was floored when it was revealed to me that only 5% of pregnant teenagers choose adoption. Of course, I of all people know how incredibly difficult it is to go through with it, but the small number was still surprising to me.

I piped in with my experience. How I discovered I was pregnant at 18 years old. How I had you when I was 19. How I chose open adoption and it was one of the best decisions I ever made, for the both of us. It was tough, yes. Beyond words. Even knowing how great The B’s were, it still took enormous effort not to make a mad dash to the adoption agency and demand to have you back during those 10 days that it was possible. But by the strength of what could only have been God, I was able to keep our lives – yours and mine – in perspective. To know that yours would be better off in family that could solidly provide for you in every way possible, and that mine wouldn’t end if I let you go to them. I’m still searching for the words to describe the chaos that overtook my mind and heart during those days.

It is for this reason, that I refuse to judge the other 95% of pregnant teenagers. No one can describe how unbelievably in love a mother is with her child – what it feels like to know that another life will exist because you do, what it is like to feel you kick, what it is like to see your face for the first time, to hold you for the first time, to be blissfully content just to watch you sleep. Mothers have a unique experience with their children, different from any other person who is close to them during their pregnancy. They have unique perspective and therefore a very unique love for their children. We’ve been as close to you as humanly possible – you were a part of us.

So sometimes, it just takes another mother to understand exactly what feelings of love and devotion I’m talking about. They may be teenagers, but despite whether or not they should be, they are moms, and I would like to assume that they are just as madly in love with their babies as I was – and am – with you. I would say that it’s impossible for anyone to love you as much as I do because I just love you so much, but The B’s do. I am sure of it. I can’t deny that, nor would I ever, ever want to. My love for you is simply unique. You were a part of me.

I came to the conclusion that maybe the low percentage is just because open adoption just isn’t that well-known yet. People don’t know how lucky they can get, or how happy they can be, and if they did – if it was possible to find a way to measure or encompass how blissfully happy I am to have you and The B’s in my life – that percentage would skyrocket. Open adoption is a beautiful thing, and J and I are doing what we can to get the word out about it. We have all gotten so lucky in having you and finding each other through you, and happiness like that is a thing you want to share. I want pregnant teenage girls to know that there are options. I want potential adoptive parents to have a child to give all of their love to, because they truly have so much of it to give. I want people to know that they can create extended families like ours; that one tiny, perfect person can create an entire network of love. And you are my inspiration for all of that. You are my inspiration for everything.

Just about the time that we are discussing the low adoption rate in class and all of this is running through my head, I get a notification that J has posted pictures of me. They are pictures of you and I during your last visit. Since they are pictures taken by J, they are beautiful, stunning. And since you are the subject, they seem almost ethereal. I’ve been looking through them ever since, unable to get enough of them because I love seeing myself with you. And as I look at these pictures, I remember running around and playing with you as she took them, and I’m so happy I could burst.

I believe those teenage mothers who raise their children no matter what their situation have a unique and beautiful kind of strength. But your mommy dearest is in the minority – I am one person out of the many that make up 5% of teenage girls who felt as though they could give their children something better, something more than themselves. Five percent of us who were strong enough and trusting enough to follow through. And that is what I did. But in following through, I got something more and something better out of it. I got my B’s, and we all got you. And that right there makes this the best 5% of anything I’ve ever been a part of :)

Photos by J

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