Tag Archives: Support

The Best Adventure

26 Jun

One day, you are going to learn what “Pinterest” is. Why are you going to learn that? Because J and I are obsessed with it, so it’s inevitable. It’s a site full of pictures — of food, people, places to travel, everything you could possibly photograph — and you know how your mom and Ilove pictures.

While perusing Pinterest the other day, I stumbled upon a photo that reminded me of you. I just wanted to share it with you, to remind you of all the joy and wonderful things you have brought to my life. You have certainly been a journey, and I can’t wait to explore the world with you some more ;)

24 days!

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A Letter from Dad

12 Apr

Yesterday, I got an e-mail from C. He had written me a letter – he told me that he’d been reading the letters I write to you. He reread the ones he’d already looked at, and read the new ones he missed, and they moved him, and he wanted me to know that he loved me for it. It was a nice surprise! Then, he wrote a letter to you.

Funny thing is, I was thinking about C the day before he e-mailed me. I was wondering what he was up to, where he’d been, how he was. I almost called him, but I got caught up in school work and forgot. Then I woke up yesterday morning, and I had e-mail from him. I thought to myself how it interesting it was that we were linked like that. Like I somehow thought of him strongly enough for him to feel it and respond – a cosmic connection of sorts. Then I realized our “link” isn’t so strange – it’s you. I get to keep the first love of my life in my life forever because of you. Not in the same way, but in a way that’s just as good. My first love is now my family. Not many girls get that lucky.

So, Little Man, this is a letter from your dad :)

—-

Dear Little Man…

I have so many things to say to you, so much love to give and so little space to do it all. But first I want to take a second and tell you that if you are close to Renee while reading this, hug her and give her a great big kiss on the cheek. If she’s away, doing whatever amazing things it is she does nowadays, call her and tell her you love her. She loves you more than life itself, as I’m sure you can tell from these letters. And while I know for a fact that you love her, I also know that a hug from you can make any day amazing, and who knows, she may need it today.

With that said I want to tell you I love you, more than I can show. I’m the kind of guy that might have the occasional difficulty with letting the most important people in his life know how important they are, but I never, ever, ever, ever want you to doubt the fact that I love you and am so proud of everything you are and will be.

About three months from the time I’m writing this, you will be two years old. That amazes and blesses me. It blows my mind how much you’ve grown since the first time I saw you when I visited The B’s at their home about a month after you were born. It also amazes me that as little bitty as you were, that’s the first time I remember noticing that you reminded of my Grandaddy, your Great-Grandaddy. And still there is something I see in your eyes every time that makes me think of him. Maybe it’s the way your hair grows out all curly like his, or the fact that I know how much he would love to know you and so loves you now, even though he’s gone. Sometimes I like to think that when he got to heaven, he might have seen you getting ready to come down here and smiled, knowing that you would be an answered prayer and blessing to The B’s, and a blessing in disguise to me and Renee and our families as well. We were both so scared when we found out you were on your way, but through all the tears and mountains of fear, I would never trade the life I get to have watching you grow into the man you will be for anything.

I’ve always had this crazy little dream of being a musician, and until you, that dream was all about me. But when I met you and fell in love with you, it became about you too. I wanted to achieve my dreams more than I ever had before. Maybe because I want you to be as proud that I am a part of your life as I am that you’re a part of mine, or maybe because I want the whole world to hear about you in a song someday. But I want you to know that through all the guitars I play, all the songs I write and all the shows I perform, you are always on my mind. My dream has kind of changed from being a big successful musician to one day hearing that you were riding in the car, on your way to school and you asked J or E (who both have amazing musical tastes by the way) what song that is on the radio, and they were able to say, “That’s C playing for you.” That to me would be more success than any amount of money could ever buy.

About two months ago Renee gave me a Hope Box that she painted and filled with little things. It was supposed to be a present she made for me after she found out about you, but she held on to it until this year :) Well when I got it, it was filled of things that reminded me of my dreams: guitars, big cities and great songs, but it was also filled with things that reminded me of you. I immediately added to it your little hand print from your first Christmas. About a month later you and The B’s came for a visit, and I had this pair of sunglasses that I bought in Nashville and loved. Well as soon as I picked you up to hug you that day what did you reach for? My glasses. They were bent up before anyone could even try to get them away from you, and I have never been happier. You kept giving them to me and getting me to hold them on your face because they were too big for you, and every time they fell off you would laugh that famous laugh you have. I didn’t care about the glasses – you were so happy and having so much fun with them, and so was I :) As soon as I got home that night they went in my box as a little reminder of how amazing it is to see you smile.

Well, it’s late and I have to work in the morning so I believe I’ve rambled long enough. My little “note” has turned into a book I’m afraid. I love you Little Man, more than I love myself, even more than I love music, and nothing in the universe can change that. Ever. Hug and kiss The B’s for me!

With Love Forever and Always,

C

The first time C ever saw you :)

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Already a Ladies Man

9 Apr

Hopefully, you know that you are loved like crazy. And the beauty of open adoption is that you have the chance to be loved by twice as many people. You’re loved by two moms, two dads, eight grandparents, six first cousins, and there’s no way I’m going to try to count second cousins.

 What I love most though is how many Aunts you have. Not the literal kind though – the only legitimate aunt you have is C’s younger sister M. I mean the Aunts who deemed themselves members of your family before you were ever born, because long ago, they deemed themselves members of my family. I’m talking about my closest friends, friends who have loved you since I showed them your ultrasound pictures, friends who clamor to see you every time you’re in town or ask to drive down with me whenever I go to visit you.

 I would truly be lost without my friends, your Aunts. They mean the world to me – they support me, they listen to me, they talk to me. We swap stories and laughter, stay with each other through happiness and sadness. We love each other unconditionally, just like family. My friendships with these girls have withstood tests of time and trial and distance and strife. We fight but we make up because we can’t stand being mad at each other. The B’s are a beautiful example of how friends can be family just as much as your actual family can. These girls are no different.

 My closest friends are your Aunts S, J, NYC, and Russia. Your Aunt S came with me to almost every doctor’s appointment and a few of my child birthing classes. She and Aunt J came to the hospital when I was in labor. When Aunt J got the call the I was at the hospital she flew out of the house in the first outfit she could find without so much as taking a shower. Of course, then she sat there for five or six hours until you were finally born, but she likes to tell the story. I almost slept over at her house the night before you were born. If I had, my water would have broken all over her sofa. It would have made for a great story, but I would have been a little bummed – I love that sofa.

 Aunt J is actually your Godmother, on my side of things anyway. She actually got an owl tattoo on her back, so that you’re with her everywhere she goes too. She spent a large majority of my pregnancy with me – we liked to say that she had “sympathy cravings” because I always took her with me when I wanted food. We went to Bojangles a lot…I had a thing for the fries. You’ll have to try them someday.

 Your Aunt NYC has actually never met you, because she lives – take a wild guess – in New York City. She was the first person I called when I found out about you. At the time she was living in NC, so the next day she took me out last-minute Christmas shopping with her mom and we talked and she hugged me and made me laugh and let the shock wear off. She sends you stuff all the time – she sent you baby clothes after you were born and tries to plan visits to The B’s place every time she’s in town. She follows all of your pictures on J’s Facebook.

 Aunt Russia loves babies. End of story. She always comments on how adorable you are and she goes out of her way to visit you every time you’re in town too. She and Aunt S and Aunt J came down to The B’s for your 1st birthday. She takes a bunch of pictures of you and – back when you still let people hold you – she would snag you every chance she got. As you may have guessed, she’s Russian. Well, Belarusian actually, which means she’s stunningly beautiful and crazy tough. Especially where you’re concerned – she could and would scare the daylights out of anyone who was treating you wrong. She’s almost as protective over you as I am, and that’s saying something.

 Aunt S actually came to live with me when I was pregnant. She slept downstairs with me when my stomach got big enough to move me out of the twin bed upstairs to the full size futon downstairs. She came to the appointments and the classes, she showed off your ultrasound pictures like they were her own, and she left me a voicemail congratulating me on having a boy before I actually had the ultrasound that proved it. She was the first of my friends to meet The B’s and they still love her dearly. She still shows off pictures of you like you’re her actual nephew, because honestly you are. That’s what she calls you when she talks about you. She’s ridiculously proud of you, just like me. And just like me, you mean the world to her too.

 I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that my friends are a part of your life. And the best thing is, I know they always will be. They’ve been there for me for years, and sometimes I swear they’re starting to love you more than they do me. We love you so much and we will always be here for you. Because if there is anything that these beautiful, wonderful women are good at, it’s giving constant support and endless love.

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The NCAA Tournament and a Happy Realization

26 Mar

Last night, I went to one of the local sports bars in my college town, and I watched UNC lose to Kansas in the 2012 NCAA tournament, 80 – 67. Your Aunt S and I got to the bar just after the second half had started and we watched anxiously until the end of the game.

I went to UNC for a little while when I first started college. I worked my entire high school career to get into it and when I got there, I just wasn’t b big fan of the place ironically enough. I still think that it is a great school and I think that anyone who makes it in deserves a round of applause (it’s competitive as I’m sure many people will tell you). I was just in the market for a smaller school which is how I ended up at the wonderful college I’m at now. But even though I switched schools, I’m still a Carolina fan at heart.

However, I realized that last night, as I watched the game that would make the Final Four, I wasn’t cheering for UNC because I was really concerned for my first alma mater. I was concerned for Sports Man.

Sports Man is a huge for of UNC. He loves them. Carolina has been his favorite college team since I’ve known him; it was actually one of the first things I realized I had in common with him. I have no doubt you’ll grow up to be a Carolina fan too – not just because it’s in the family, but because Sports Man won’t have it any other way.

Personally, I love sports. I used to play them a lot when I was younger, but I gave them up when I got braces (I got hit in the mouth one too many times and Pop-Pop 3 requested that I find a different hobby). After that, I took up ballet, and by the time the braces came off, my talent for sports had waned and I was really into dance, so I never picked them back up. I still love to watch though – NFL football is my favorite, followed by college basketball. I have no doubt that whatever sport you end up liking or playing will become my new favorite.

But I’ve also come to realize that whatever sport Sports Man likes or plays will be a favorite of mine too. Of course, his liking of sports is kind of all-encompassing so I should probably narrow that down. But the point is that I have truly come to care for him as I do for you. I love him. I actually see him as a little brother, which was not a connection I expected to make when I joined The B’s family.

I didn’t know how to see him at first – I knew he wouldn’t be like a second son or anything (although when I tell people you have an older brother who is eight, they tend to look at me like, “How young were you when you started having kids?!”) But the more I got to know Sports Man, the more I realized I cared about him as if he were my brother as well as yours. Of course, I absolutely love him for loving you, but I love him for being him, too. I find myself rather protective over him actually. Like when my heart skips a beat if I see him pegged in the head with a football. Or like when I’m desperately cheering for a basketball team only because I know he would be devastated if they lost.

I keep getting more and more out of my relationship with The B’s – more that I ever could have possibly imagined. I couldn’t be happier that open adoption was an option for me because I couldn’t have had it any other way. I need you in my life too much. But I’m even happier that it’s turned out so positively – just when I think I’ve gotten more out of our situation than I’d ever dreamed, another wonderful thing pops up. Like a little brother. And maybe instead of just gaining a little brother, Sports Man also gained an older sister.

Thank you again for bringing us together. We all love you more than words can say for that, and many other things. And don’t worry – when UNC lost last night, Sports Man wasn’t even watching the game. Apparently he was so worked up and upset mid-game about the bad calls and the bad playing that they turned the TV off before it was even over. I’m pulling for Ohio State to win this year anyways.

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This I Promise You

9 Mar

Everybody makes promises. That’s one thing you’ll learn as you get older, and it’s something you’ll hear a lot. “I promise you…this.” When you’re little you put a lot of stock into what people promise you. When you get older…maybe not so much. My hope for you is that you never learn to be cynical like that. I hope that people never prove you wrong or let you down.

 But just in case, here’s the deal – there are a lot of people you will never have to worry about trusting: The B’s for certain. Pop-Pop 3 and Grandma M, definitely. Your multiple aunts – my many, many friends – will always be a solid shoulder to lean on.  And lastly, me. I will always be honest with you. I will always be dependable.

 So in the spirit of that, I would like to make you a few promises I will always, always keep.

 I promise to comfort you when you’re sick.

 I promise to try to cheer you up whenever you’re upset.

 I promise to take you out for ice cream during the summer.

 I promise to pick you up when you fall.

 I promise to visit as often as humanly possible.

 I promise to come to as many school plays, concerts, recitals or games that I can.

 I promise to support you no matter what you choose to do or be.

 I promise to show naked baby pictures to your girlfriends (oh yeah, I’ve got ’em).

 I promise to answer all the questions you ask me truthfully.

 I promise to be there for you and for all of The B’s.

 I promise to love your family because they are my family.

 I promise to be there to bounce ideas off of when you have a big decision to make.

 I promise to brag about you to everyone I know (I’ve already started on that one…)

 I promise to learn how to cook so that I can make you home cooked meals some day.

 I promise to help E educate you in music. Actually, I promise to tell C that he should help E educate you in music.

 I promise that one day, you’ll be proud of me.

 I promise to listen before I react.

 I promise to try to learn everything about you that I can.

 I promise to love you forever.

 One of the biggest, most important promises I will make you is this: I promise to put you first, before anything or anyone else. You are the most important thing to me. No one will ever take your place. No one will ever matter more. You are at the top of list, you take the cake, you’re number one…and whatever other clichés there are to say, “You have won me.” My heart is yours along with the rest of me. It has been for years now.

 The list is going to go on. I’m going to add to it for the rest of my life, and I want you to know that I’ll keep them, every single one. And I also want you to know that I’ll never makes ones I think I might go back on. I want to be someone you trust. I want to be someone you will never be afraid to depend on. I will be here for you, no matter what.

I promise.

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You, Me and C Makes Three

29 Feb

Me and C at Senior Prom

I’ve been in love three times in my life, but as of now, only two of those times will matter to you. Because one of those times was with you. The other was with your biological father C.

I don’t know if our story will ever matter to you, mine and C’s. I think it will someday. I think that eventually, how you came to be will be important to you. And the good news is that our love story is a good one – one I’m happy to retell, one I look back on and mostly think of fondly. We didn’t last, as I’m sure you will be able to tell soon enough. We are on very good terms now, even if it wasn’t always the case. And personally, I think the beginning and the middle matter much more than the end.

We fell in love in high school. We were on the high school newspaper together, so we’d known each other for about a year when we started dating. I know most people don’t believe that kids as young as we were – 17 for me, 16 for him – have any idea of what love actually means. I think it’s subjective. I think you are the only person who has the right to judge how you feel. And we certainly felt head-over-heels for each other. We said “I love you” for the first time on March 1, 2009 and every day afterwards for almost a year.

I remember one time when I was having a bad day, he took me for a drive, cranked up the loudest, most obnoxious rock song he had in his car and told me to scream as loud as I possibly could to get it all out. We both started yelling over the music and pretty soon, I couldn’t stop laughing. Another day, we went to a guitar shop (C is a ridiculously talented musician) and looked around. I could tell he wanted to play one, but we started to leave because he didn’t want to bore me. I stole his keys and wouldn’t let us leave until he played. I supported him. He cared about me. We spent the time we weren’t together texting or calling. I spent every Sunday at his house with his family. He brought me coffee to school in the mornings. We kissed and hugged and held hands. Even thinking back on it now, I find myself smiling. We loved each other.

I just think it is important for you to know that you exist because of love. Though you were unexpected, I never, ever want you to think you were an “accident.” Accident implies a mishap, an unfortunate or undesirable occurrence, and you my precious baby boy, are anything but – you are my everything. You are the result of two people experiencing first love. Two people who would have done anything for the other, who cared about each other more than anything else in the world. Two people who fall more and more in love with you every day.

True, our relationship didn’t survive my pregnancy. But that is absolutely the result of things that were done or said by us – not you. We were young, and in the end, youth can prove to be just as unstable as it is exciting. But I do believe we were in love. When we were in love, I truly thought I was done with dating – C and I were a forever kind of deal, and at the time, that thought went both ways. We truly meant it when we said “I love you,” and we still say it today – it just has a different connotation now.

If anything, our love for one another might mean even more now than it did back when we were in the first throes of love – after surviving the things that happened during my pregnancy, when there were some times when I definitely did not feel loving towards him, the fact that we still care for each other now is incredibly meaningful.

We grew up very fast – our lives were not about us anymore, and though I came to terms with that faster than he did, that knowledge definitely impacted us – it changed us both forever. But the best kind of love is that kind that changes you; the kind that touches your soul and leaves impressions that never fade and that you never forget. And wouldn’t you know, I think it’s the best thing that has ever happened to us. Because you are definitely the best thing that has ever happened to me.

There is so much more to our story. One day, if you want, I’ll tell you the rest of it, and C will help me. We’ll get to share little pieces of the love that brought you to be the gift that you are. We’ll get to relive our story – a story that was already unique and special, and now, it has the best ending of all :)

 

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To My Handsome, Little Valentine

14 Feb

Hey there, handsome little man. Today is Valentine’s Day! I know that doesn’t mean much to you yet, so I’ll tell you a little bit about it.

Today is all about love. Love for your family, for your friends, for someone special. It’s about celebrating the people in your life that cherish you, and that you cherish back. It’s about loving yourself for who you are. It’s about realizing how much love you are surrounded by, period. Again, I know this doesn’t mean much to a one-and-a-half year old, but I find it to be very convenient since I am crazy, madly, head-over-heels in love with you.

However, when most people think of Valentine’s Day, they think of romantic love, which is also lots of fun. You won’t have to worry about this until you’re at least 45, so don’t think about it too much yet. But today E may be gifting J with a card or some flowers (or vice versa knowing how creative J is). Somewhere right now, a girl is getting chocolates in a heart-shaped box and a guy is planning a romantic evening. As you get older, things like this are what Valentine’s Day will be about.

I, however, like to think of Valentine’s Day as how I said it earlier: “It’s about celebrating the people in your life that cherish you, and that you cherish back.” I don’t save my love for one person (although if there was a list, you’d be at the top…sorry everyone else!), I like to give it freely to everyone important to me – my mom and dad, my beautiful friends, The B’s.

In a way Valentine’s Day is like Thanksgiving for me – it makes me realize how many people love me and care about me. It’s a day when I realize how wide my support system is and how lucky I am to have everyone in it. I have some of the best friends in the world, friends who have known you since you were just an 8-week old ultrasound picture, who love you almost as much as I do. They have always been there for me, whenever I need them. I adore them. They make my world go round, just like you do. Never underestimate the power of support.

So on this lovely Valentine’s Day, I want you to know that if you choose to celebrate Valentine’s Day the way I do, you are going to have the world’s biggest support system to be thankful for. You will have The B’s who already love you beyond words. You have J and E’s parents who think you are one of the world’s coolest kids. You have my parents you already brag about you endlessly and have their home wallpapered with photos of you. You have my friends who ask to tag along on every visit I take to see you and swarm my house whenever you come to town. You have your awesome big brother who already loves teaching you things and playing with you. You have everyone you’ve touched along the your journey from me to the B’s.

And lastly, you have me – no matter where you go or what you do. No matter if you want to be a rock star one day and football player the next. No matter where your dreams take you or what your interests are, I will support you. I will help you reach those dreams and explore those interests. Whatever you want to do or be, I want you to do or be. I am proud of you and I always will be. It is vitally important to me that you know how much I love you. Which part of the reason I started this blog – so I can tell you every day. Not just today, which is dedicated to love, but every day I possibly can, whether I’m with you or not.

So Happy Valentine’s Day, my handsome Little Man. I’m so happy to be yours.

You and I last Valentine's Day :)

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Handbooks, Risks, and What No One Tells You About Growing Up

9 Feb

“Because I said so” is a famous line said by all parents at some point when they are challenged by their kids. Not my parents, though. Whenever I questioned my mom and dad’s parenting authority with an “oh yeah?” or a “says who?” my parents – your grandparents – would always say to me, “It’s in the parenting handbook.”

I am sorry to tell you this, but your grandparents are dirty liars. When you were born, you did not come with a handbook as promised. I had you, a bunch of diapers and some formula, and with only that, I was supposed to transform into a parent. While I did successfully learn to change a diaper (eventually), the rest has been a make-it-up-as-you-go kind of a thing. Therefore, I have decided that when your grandparents referred to their “handbook,” they were actually talking about the rules they made up as they went along. And now that I am a parent I can’t help but think…

What a wonderful idea!

So here is my first piece of advice to you, straight from my very own parenting handbook – take all of the chances, risks and opportunities you can.

It feels cliché for me to say that, but I continually forget that everything “cliché” to me is brand new to you. That is actually how you have helped me to take the advice I just gave you. People frequently say that their children keep them young and it’s true – seeing the world through your eyes is like seeing it as this new, exciting phenomenon where everything is something worth discovering.

Honestly, I have just started taking my own advice which is why I wanted to give it to you now – taking chances and risks and opportunities is the best way to live life. It’s another way of saying do the things you want to do and don’t be afraid to live.

As I’ve gotten older, I have been more and more surrounded by practicality and I hate it. While responsiblility is necessary and I do admire it and hope that I embody it in some way, always being responsible and always doing the practical thing will take the fun out of life.

Right now, at the age of 20, I’m supposed to know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I’m supposed to have my career nailed down and preferrably, it’s supposed to be a lucrative one. I’m supposed to get in and out of school with my degree as fast as I can so that the real world can fully take hold of me and I can finally be “an adult.”

I never want you to think that.

I want your life to be as fun as humanly possible. I want you to do the things you love. I want you to experience life as fully as you can, and to do that, you have to try not to be afraid. And most of all you have to take chances – go to Europe for a month even though you’ll be broke when you get back. Try out for the basketball team even if you’re not the tallest. Take a summer internship in a far away city even though you’ve never been away from home for that long. Stay out late with your friends even though you know you’ll be tired in the morning (only if you have your parents permission to stay out late, of course. Also, don’t do this is your friends are knocking over liqour stores).

The experiences you have and the memories you make will be worth every penny, every minute of missed sleep, every minute you spend worrying about whether or not you can do it. One of the best feelings I’ve ever had is doing something I wasn’t entirely sure I could do. That’s why chances and risks can be so fun – looking back at them and knowing you accomplished them comes with the knowledge that you can do whatever you set your mind to, and that is empowering. And if there has ever been a little boy who has had a brave, adventerous, I’m-going-to-carve-my-own-path personality, it is you. You are already famous for falling down and getting right back up, and I find that I’m already proud of you.

So from here on out, do the fun things. Do what it takes to enjoy your life. And every now and then, do the things that scare you. And if they scare you a lot, know that I am always here to fall back on. No matter what you do, I will always be part of your support system (your very extensive support system).

After all, it’s in the handbook that I love you no matter what. It’s also in the handbook that I like chocolate for my birthday and that you be a Patriots fan. But for now, and forever, you only have to remember the first part.

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