Tag Archives: Pregnancy

First Fair, Last Visit

19 Apr

Five days before you were born, The B’s came into town. This was the third time we had gotten together, including the first time I met them. They asked if they could come down and we could all do something together. They had met my parents – Pop-pop 3 and Grandma M – during their last visit, so this one was just purely for fun and to continue to get to know each other.

We started out this visit by getting pizza at a local (and very eclectic) pizza joint downtown, and then we continued to an indoor craft fair. My hometown is very artsy so anytime there is an art or craft fair of any kind, you are bound to come across some very beautiful and unique things. You know how creative J is – looking back, this was probably the perfect outing for her!

We all walked around the indoor fair for a couple of hours. I kept getting comments on my stomach – people asking me how far along I was, enduring multiple “you look like you’re about to ‘pop!’” comments, etc. Of course, I had no idea on that Saturday that you would be here by Thursday – I kept telling people I had over a week to go (you were 11 days early from the due date the doctors gave me. I’d say they got that one wrong).

I remember walking around and looking at the crafts with J and E. We pointed out the things we liked and the things we didn’t; J and I looked at a lot of jewelry, E was impressed by some creative woodwork and cabinetry, and Grandma M looked at a little bit of everything. As we went J talked about ideas she had for the nursery, crafts she liked to make, and things she thought I could make to decorate your bedroom with. That was they day I learned how crafty she was – she had some really cute ideas, knew of at least half a dozen great craft websites and we actually liked a lot of the same things. I took that as a good sign.

By the time we got to the downstairs of the exhibit, I had to sit down at least every ten minutes. You were a perfectly average sized baby when you were born (7 lbs, 6 oz), but my lower back just wasn’t having it by that last week. Luckily the downstairs was where a lot of the woodwork was done so I found a lot of benches to sit on. I remember that the handmade musical instruments were downstairs too. E knew quite a bit about them and that was when I learned about his avid love for music.

After the art fair, we went back to Grandma M and Pop-pop 3’s house. When we got there, we ate a little bit and then J took our first family photo (minus Sports Man – you were a surprise for him, so he didn’t know about me OR you then)! The photo was followed by E showing me the first videos I ever saw of Sports Man. It reminds me of what I do with you now – showing off pictures, incredibly proud of videos, bragging as much as I can because I love you so much. There were videos of him reading (he’s the original child prodigy), playing basketball, receiving trophies, and a couple more. I think that when I made my most important realization of the day: I saw how much The B’s loved him and I realized that that was how much they would love you. I saw how much love they had to give and would give to my Little Man. And I was not wrong – they do love you more than words can say. They have from day one.

It was a wonderful visit. I love pizza and art fairs in my hometown all the time, but this day was particularly special. I had met The B’s twice and learned more and more about them every time, but I realized that I could truly love them like family that day, because that was when I discovered just how much love they had to give. Or more aptly, how much love they wanted to give. You are part of one of the most loving families I’ve ever met, and I wouldn’t have it any other way, partly because I get to share it too.

I’ve been to at least one craft fair with J since then. She actually makes and sells her own crafts now, and I love them. And since I’m family, I tend to get free samples :) But with every art fair I go to – with The B’s or with someone else – I’m reminded of that first one. And when J and I talk about it, we always mention how cool it is to see how much we’ve grown as a family, and how much we know and share now versus the uncertainty of “then.”

And personally, I have to say, I’m loving the “now.”

Our first family photo. I had gained water weight. We will never mention it.

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Attack of the Dream Babies

31 Mar

I’m going to tell you about a dream I have at least once every couple of months. The dream is pretty easy to explain: I’m pregnant in it. But in these pregnancy dreams, I’ve already had you – I’m pregnant again. And in these dreams, I’m always freaking out.

“I can’t do this again!”

“How am I supposed to explain this to my parents?”

“Will The B’s help me raise this one too?”

These are the thoughts that run through the mind of Dream Renee. I loved being pregnant with you. I had so much fun going to doctor’s appointments (the first and only time that has ever happened), watching my growing belly, feeling you move, finally getting to meet you…it was a wonderful experience that I loved and continue to cherish. However, it is not one I plan to repeat for a very long time, and definitely not again until I’m married, which is why this dream always terrifies me a little.

Before you, I wasn’t sure I wanted children at all. Like I’ve told you before, I was never that good with kids, and babies always cried when I held them. I just kind of deemed myself a not-kid-friendly person at an early age, and I never gave having kids much thought. But when I found out about you at that doctor’s appointment in December 2009, I suddenly knew I wanted kids. More accurately, I wanted you. But ever since then, I’ve known that I’d really like to have more kids someday, when my life and relationships are more stable. Seeing you and how you’ve turned out and knowing how much I love you has been enough to convince me of that.

But to be honest, I have no idea how this will play out where you’re concerned. I don’t know how you’d take me having more kids. Hopefully you’d be excited. Or maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal to you at all. Of course it’s way too early to think about it, but I like to worry prematurely anyways. I’m a mother. It’s in my contract.

My biggest worry is that you’d think that me having another baby would take away from my love for you. That somehow with another little presence in my world, my love would have to be spread out more thinly, that I would have to take from the love I allotted to my first child and give it to my second. You’d be wrong about that if you thought it. My love wouldn’t be spread out – it would grow, expand, multiply.

You are like a first love (literally and metaphorically). The intensity of it is so new and so real because you’ve never felt anything like it before. The whole experience changes the way you view the world, it teaches you new things, and all of this beauty and happiness you feel is linked to one, singular person. And now matter how long you are together, or how much time passes between that first love and the present day, you will forever have a special link to them. You will love people after them, but not in the same way. That doesn’t mean you love the people who come later any less – it’s just meaningful and beautiful in a different way. Nobody forgets their first love. That person leaves imprints on the heart forever that no one elses footprints will be able to match. And you, my Little Man, are unmatchable.

Though your father C was my first romantic love, you were a whole new, powerful kind of first love. And no matter who I marry or how many kids I have, you were the first. Though I certainly will love any other children I have, my love for you will be special. It will always be one-of-a-kind. Because you taught me what it was to love someone more than myself. You changed the way I saw the world, and everything that has happened since is linked with you. It always will be. I love you like I will never love anyone else. Iwilllove, certainly, and all of those loves will be unique in their own way, too. But you were the first, and that means something. Never forget it.

Also, none of this will be an issue until at least ten years from now, if not more. I’ll leave any other kids before then to Dream Renee. Though I’m sure The B’s would happily help me raise another beautiful miracle, I’m done for now. You and I will figure the rest out down the road, but right now, I love that you’re my one and only. Plus, you’re just so wonderful in every possible way, who would want to mess with success? ;)

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The Best Five Percent

27 Mar

I talked about you in class today. We were talking about teenage pregnancy and I was floored when it was revealed to me that only 5% of pregnant teenagers choose adoption. Of course, I of all people know how incredibly difficult it is to go through with it, but the small number was still surprising to me.

I piped in with my experience. How I discovered I was pregnant at 18 years old. How I had you when I was 19. How I chose open adoption and it was one of the best decisions I ever made, for the both of us. It was tough, yes. Beyond words. Even knowing how great The B’s were, it still took enormous effort not to make a mad dash to the adoption agency and demand to have you back during those 10 days that it was possible. But by the strength of what could only have been God, I was able to keep our lives – yours and mine – in perspective. To know that yours would be better off in family that could solidly provide for you in every way possible, and that mine wouldn’t end if I let you go to them. I’m still searching for the words to describe the chaos that overtook my mind and heart during those days.

It is for this reason, that I refuse to judge the other 95% of pregnant teenagers. No one can describe how unbelievably in love a mother is with her child – what it feels like to know that another life will exist because you do, what it is like to feel you kick, what it is like to see your face for the first time, to hold you for the first time, to be blissfully content just to watch you sleep. Mothers have a unique experience with their children, different from any other person who is close to them during their pregnancy. They have unique perspective and therefore a very unique love for their children. We’ve been as close to you as humanly possible – you were a part of us.

So sometimes, it just takes another mother to understand exactly what feelings of love and devotion I’m talking about. They may be teenagers, but despite whether or not they should be, they are moms, and I would like to assume that they are just as madly in love with their babies as I was – and am – with you. I would say that it’s impossible for anyone to love you as much as I do because I just love you so much, but The B’s do. I am sure of it. I can’t deny that, nor would I ever, ever want to. My love for you is simply unique. You were a part of me.

I came to the conclusion that maybe the low percentage is just because open adoption just isn’t that well-known yet. People don’t know how lucky they can get, or how happy they can be, and if they did – if it was possible to find a way to measure or encompass how blissfully happy I am to have you and The B’s in my life – that percentage would skyrocket. Open adoption is a beautiful thing, and J and I are doing what we can to get the word out about it. We have all gotten so lucky in having you and finding each other through you, and happiness like that is a thing you want to share. I want pregnant teenage girls to know that there are options. I want potential adoptive parents to have a child to give all of their love to, because they truly have so much of it to give. I want people to know that they can create extended families like ours; that one tiny, perfect person can create an entire network of love. And you are my inspiration for all of that. You are my inspiration for everything.

Just about the time that we are discussing the low adoption rate in class and all of this is running through my head, I get a notification that J has posted pictures of me. They are pictures of you and I during your last visit. Since they are pictures taken by J, they are beautiful, stunning. And since you are the subject, they seem almost ethereal. I’ve been looking through them ever since, unable to get enough of them because I love seeing myself with you. And as I look at these pictures, I remember running around and playing with you as she took them, and I’m so happy I could burst.

I believe those teenage mothers who raise their children no matter what their situation have a unique and beautiful kind of strength. But your mommy dearest is in the minority – I am one person out of the many that make up 5% of teenage girls who felt as though they could give their children something better, something more than themselves. Five percent of us who were strong enough and trusting enough to follow through. And that is what I did. But in following through, I got something more and something better out of it. I got my B’s, and we all got you. And that right there makes this the best 5% of anything I’ve ever been a part of :)

Photos by J

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Music for the Little Man Soul

24 Mar

I knew before I even got pregnant that there was one thing I wanted to do when I did get pregnant one day. I saw a television commercial – I have no idea what it was actually advertising – but it showed a pregnant woman sitting on the floor with her back against the wall, listening to a CD player. Then she took the headphones off of her ears and put the earpieces on either side of her very pregnant stomach.

I fell in love with the image. I knew that when I was pregnant, I was going to do the same thing. Maybe if I serenaded my baby with my favorite music, they would grow up with the same taste in music as me. Grandma M says it’s not true. She says she listened to smooth jazz the whole time she was pregnant with me, and I can’t stand the stuff.

So when I did get pregnant, albeit a little earlier than expected, I knew what I was going to do when my stomach got big enough. I didn’t really start showing until I was about halfway through my pregnancy and I didn’t truly get my stomach until about seven months, but when I finally got it, I broke out the headphones.

My headphones are hilarious, just so you know. I bought them at Target in high school, thinking I was “trendy” for not having the ever-popular ear buds. When I brought my Target headphones home and opened them, I realized that the cord on them was about 10 feet long, no joke. I could plug them into my iPod at the bottom of the stairs, put them on my head, walk to the top of the stairs and still have plenty of leeway to move around without moving the iPod at all. Needless to say, I stuck with my ear buds after that.

But for you, I pulled the headphones out of storage and prepared to introduce you to my favorites of the musical world. Now, I don’t really have favorite bands or artists. I will have multiple songs by the same group so I guess I technically do have favorites, but I have a lot of them, and they change regularly. I get my music from everywhere – tv shows, commercials, movie trailers, my friend’s iPods, songs I hear over the intercom in a store or a coffee shop…they say variety is the spice of life, and my iPod can prove it.

But I made what I called my Baby Playlist – my favorites, a little of everything. I made sure none of them had swear words, just in case (the mom gene was bound to kick in sometime). I even put some classical music on there since I’d heard a lot about psychological studies between classical music, kids and intelligence or attention span or something. Who knows?  Claire de Lune by Debussy is an all time favorite of mine so it was inescapable anyways.

So one lazy day, I laid down on the futon which had become my bed (I was too big to be comfortable in my tiny twin bed), plugged in my headphones, placed them around my stomach, and started the playlist. I thought about the woman in the commercial and smiled. I can’t quite find the words to describe why I think it is beautiful, but I felt so happy and calm with my growing pregnant belly, thinking about the little boy inside it. The recognition that I was pregnant washed over me again, as it often did. I loved you. Amidst all of the decisions I knew I would have to make soon, I was happy in that moment with you.

And then you started kicking the headphones. You always rolled around when I laid down – I think it disoriented you, so you would always have to readjust. But then you kept moving. You kept kicking. It never hurt when you did – occasionally you’d kick my bladder or you’d lean a little too far to the left or right and my stomach would feel uncomfortably tight, but no more discomfort than that. I loved it when you kicked.

But just in case, I changed the song. You kept kicking or readjusting or whatever it was that you were doing. I started laughing. I changed the song again, to see if maybe you were just moving to the beat. I couldn’t tell – you were just a little kicking machine. You had good aim too, right for the earpieces. I took the headphones off. After you realized the noise was gone, you calmed down again. A few minutes later I put them on and the kicking started right back up.

You hated those headphones. I suppose it could have been an aversion to my taste in music, but personally, I think I have excellent taste so that couldn’t possibly be it. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I like to think that you were just dancing.

Your musical education has been taken over by E (he has great taste, don’t worry), and I’m sure C will do what he can to influence it too. I don’t mind. I figure musical education is something that should be taken on by the musicians of the family anyways. You can be sure they’ll do a good job :)

But just so you know, here is another one of my favorites. I never really understood the lyrics until I had you – I thought it was a love song. After you were born, I realized it was…just not in the way I had originally thought. No song has ever really described how I feel about you the way this one does. It is a perfect description of my feelings for you. So despite the fact you are apparently not a fan of my musical taste, give this one a listen whenever you have time: Lullaby by the Dixie Chicks. I love you, baby boy :)

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The Only Time Tom Cruise Has Ever Made Sense

23 Feb

For Thanksgiving 2009, your grandparents and I traveled to Alabama to visit my sister, your Aunt B, and her family. We all made dinner together and enjoyed a traditional Thanksgiving meal. It was delicious. I went back for seconds later that night and as I was heating up leftovers, I was suddenly nauseated. The food smelled disgusting. I couldn’t even be in the kitchen anymore because the smell was overwhelming. I remember telling your Grandma M that I just felt sick all of a sudden. It didn’t make any sense to me. I didn’t eat any leftovers for the rest of our trip.

Of course, about a month later during one, pivotal doctor’s appointment, it made total sense. I was too shocked to speak when I found out; I was already 8 weeks along. I couldn’t even find the words to tell Grandma M who was at the appointment with me – I just handed her your ultrasound pictures. You looked like a tadpole in them. Pop-Pop 3 called you Kermit for while.

When I found out about you, it took a couple of weeks (try 32) to let it sink it. I was suddenly aware that I was never alone – you went with me everywhere. I talked to you a lot, even in the early days, before you even had ears. I liked it – not being alone, because back in those days, I felt alone a lot. C and I had fallen apart, but I had you and there were times when you were the only thing that could make me feel better.

After that first one, ultrasounds became my favorite thing in the whole wide world. I only had three, but they were enough to make me realize why Tom Cruise bought Katie Holmes her own ultrasound machine when she was pregnant. Of course I was (very literally) connected to you, but getting to see you was an experience beyond words. Everyone daydreams about what their child is going to look like, who they’re going to be and an ultrasound is a window into those daydreams. They are a sneak peek into what is about to be the best part of your life. It’s actually probably a method of placating expecting mothers – we have to go another 20-or-so weeks without meeting you, so we’ve got to have something to hold on to in the meantime. Not to mention that you were incredibly photogenic. Still are.

After ultrasounds, my favorite thing was getting to hear your heartbeat. The way I used to describe the sound was like helicopter blades, right as the engine was starting up. Your heartbeats were so fast! It was like a “whoosh, whoosh” sound. I wish there had been a way to record it – I can still remember the way it sounded, crystal clear in my memory. Proof is important to mothers – we feel our babies moves around all the time, we know without a doubt that we’re carrying them, but those little moments of realization, those tiny glimpses into who we’re carrying, mean the world to us. We’re literally connected to you for nine months and it’s not nearly close enough.

I loved being pregnant with you. After the shock wore off, I bought books. And then I bought some more books. I read them from cover to cover – I would have to restrain myself from reading ahead in my because I wanted to read it as it happened, but I would just get too excited. I would want to know what you were doing, how much more you had developed, how big you were…I wanted to know everything about you. I loved buying stretchy pants, I loved feeling you move around, I love what I learned in my childbirthing classes, I loved learning about you and pregnancy period. It was all so new and interesting, and the best part is that it was all about you. I made you. I grew you. I look at you sometimes and I just can’t believe that I actually created something as beautiful as you, just by being me.

Pregnancy was completely unexpected for me; not at all planned for, but truly one of the most amazing experiences of my life. You are my most amazing experience – my proudest accomplishment, my favorite thing, the best thing I’ve ever done with my 21 years of life.

I’ve loved you single every day of you since that first one. I have a feeling that will never change. I just wanted you to know :)

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