Tag Archives: Open adoption

The Perfect Book

4 Apr

For the past little while, I’ve been thinking about a book. I couldn’t for the life of me remember what it was called, but I remembered that it was very short – a children’s book, I think – and it was about a mother and her son. Something about how she loved him a lot and held him all the time, and then when she got older, he held her instead. The illustrations have been popping into my head every now and then, but since I couldn’t remember the book, I gave them little thought. I would just smile when the images came to mind, and that would be that.

Until today.

Sitting in my school library just now, I found the main part of the book inscribed in tiny print on a wall. They weren’t finished, but after I read the first line, it all came back to me. I remembered the book, what it was called and what it said. I’m still a little stunned that it happened – that the main part of a book about a mother and son that I’ve been thinking about recently just pops up on the wall next to the chair I decided to sit in today. It’s cosmic almost, don’t you think? Just perfect.

The main part goes like this: “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”

The words on the wall only go as far as, “…as long as I’m living…” but I knew the rest. Of course I did.

And now I’m about to cry in the library. Because it’s too perfect, so perfect for you and I. This book, Love You Forever, is perfect for any mother with a son. It’s about a mother loving her son through all of the years, through his many phases in life, through thick and thin. Just loving him forever, no matter what, exactly the way I plan to love you.

This little inscription on the wall is yet another way I think a certain Big Guy Upstairs makes sure you’re with me everywhere I go. I just don’t have any other explanation for things like this, or for people like The B’s, or for luck like I had in finding them and having you. It has to be God who makes things like that happen.

I’m glad I finally remembered the name of the book. I read it for years as a kid, and it’s so interesting to look back and realize that I had no idea how much it would come to mean to me. And now I have my own little boy. And I’ve snuck up on you and held you in the night when you were sleeping, just like the mother in the story did. I know J has too. We can’t help ourselves…we’ll love you forever, we’ll like you for always, as long as we’re living, our baby you’ll be.

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The Best Five Percent

27 Mar

I talked about you in class today. We were talking about teenage pregnancy and I was floored when it was revealed to me that only 5% of pregnant teenagers choose adoption. Of course, I of all people know how incredibly difficult it is to go through with it, but the small number was still surprising to me.

I piped in with my experience. How I discovered I was pregnant at 18 years old. How I had you when I was 19. How I chose open adoption and it was one of the best decisions I ever made, for the both of us. It was tough, yes. Beyond words. Even knowing how great The B’s were, it still took enormous effort not to make a mad dash to the adoption agency and demand to have you back during those 10 days that it was possible. But by the strength of what could only have been God, I was able to keep our lives – yours and mine – in perspective. To know that yours would be better off in family that could solidly provide for you in every way possible, and that mine wouldn’t end if I let you go to them. I’m still searching for the words to describe the chaos that overtook my mind and heart during those days.

It is for this reason, that I refuse to judge the other 95% of pregnant teenagers. No one can describe how unbelievably in love a mother is with her child – what it feels like to know that another life will exist because you do, what it is like to feel you kick, what it is like to see your face for the first time, to hold you for the first time, to be blissfully content just to watch you sleep. Mothers have a unique experience with their children, different from any other person who is close to them during their pregnancy. They have unique perspective and therefore a very unique love for their children. We’ve been as close to you as humanly possible – you were a part of us.

So sometimes, it just takes another mother to understand exactly what feelings of love and devotion I’m talking about. They may be teenagers, but despite whether or not they should be, they are moms, and I would like to assume that they are just as madly in love with their babies as I was – and am – with you. I would say that it’s impossible for anyone to love you as much as I do because I just love you so much, but The B’s do. I am sure of it. I can’t deny that, nor would I ever, ever want to. My love for you is simply unique. You were a part of me.

I came to the conclusion that maybe the low percentage is just because open adoption just isn’t that well-known yet. People don’t know how lucky they can get, or how happy they can be, and if they did – if it was possible to find a way to measure or encompass how blissfully happy I am to have you and The B’s in my life – that percentage would skyrocket. Open adoption is a beautiful thing, and J and I are doing what we can to get the word out about it. We have all gotten so lucky in having you and finding each other through you, and happiness like that is a thing you want to share. I want pregnant teenage girls to know that there are options. I want potential adoptive parents to have a child to give all of their love to, because they truly have so much of it to give. I want people to know that they can create extended families like ours; that one tiny, perfect person can create an entire network of love. And you are my inspiration for all of that. You are my inspiration for everything.

Just about the time that we are discussing the low adoption rate in class and all of this is running through my head, I get a notification that J has posted pictures of me. They are pictures of you and I during your last visit. Since they are pictures taken by J, they are beautiful, stunning. And since you are the subject, they seem almost ethereal. I’ve been looking through them ever since, unable to get enough of them because I love seeing myself with you. And as I look at these pictures, I remember running around and playing with you as she took them, and I’m so happy I could burst.

I believe those teenage mothers who raise their children no matter what their situation have a unique and beautiful kind of strength. But your mommy dearest is in the minority – I am one person out of the many that make up 5% of teenage girls who felt as though they could give their children something better, something more than themselves. Five percent of us who were strong enough and trusting enough to follow through. And that is what I did. But in following through, I got something more and something better out of it. I got my B’s, and we all got you. And that right there makes this the best 5% of anything I’ve ever been a part of :)

Photos by J

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The NCAA Tournament and a Happy Realization

26 Mar

Last night, I went to one of the local sports bars in my college town, and I watched UNC lose to Kansas in the 2012 NCAA tournament, 80 – 67. Your Aunt S and I got to the bar just after the second half had started and we watched anxiously until the end of the game.

I went to UNC for a little while when I first started college. I worked my entire high school career to get into it and when I got there, I just wasn’t b big fan of the place ironically enough. I still think that it is a great school and I think that anyone who makes it in deserves a round of applause (it’s competitive as I’m sure many people will tell you). I was just in the market for a smaller school which is how I ended up at the wonderful college I’m at now. But even though I switched schools, I’m still a Carolina fan at heart.

However, I realized that last night, as I watched the game that would make the Final Four, I wasn’t cheering for UNC because I was really concerned for my first alma mater. I was concerned for Sports Man.

Sports Man is a huge for of UNC. He loves them. Carolina has been his favorite college team since I’ve known him; it was actually one of the first things I realized I had in common with him. I have no doubt you’ll grow up to be a Carolina fan too – not just because it’s in the family, but because Sports Man won’t have it any other way.

Personally, I love sports. I used to play them a lot when I was younger, but I gave them up when I got braces (I got hit in the mouth one too many times and Pop-Pop 3 requested that I find a different hobby). After that, I took up ballet, and by the time the braces came off, my talent for sports had waned and I was really into dance, so I never picked them back up. I still love to watch though – NFL football is my favorite, followed by college basketball. I have no doubt that whatever sport you end up liking or playing will become my new favorite.

But I’ve also come to realize that whatever sport Sports Man likes or plays will be a favorite of mine too. Of course, his liking of sports is kind of all-encompassing so I should probably narrow that down. But the point is that I have truly come to care for him as I do for you. I love him. I actually see him as a little brother, which was not a connection I expected to make when I joined The B’s family.

I didn’t know how to see him at first – I knew he wouldn’t be like a second son or anything (although when I tell people you have an older brother who is eight, they tend to look at me like, “How young were you when you started having kids?!”) But the more I got to know Sports Man, the more I realized I cared about him as if he were my brother as well as yours. Of course, I absolutely love him for loving you, but I love him for being him, too. I find myself rather protective over him actually. Like when my heart skips a beat if I see him pegged in the head with a football. Or like when I’m desperately cheering for a basketball team only because I know he would be devastated if they lost.

I keep getting more and more out of my relationship with The B’s – more that I ever could have possibly imagined. I couldn’t be happier that open adoption was an option for me because I couldn’t have had it any other way. I need you in my life too much. But I’m even happier that it’s turned out so positively – just when I think I’ve gotten more out of our situation than I’d ever dreamed, another wonderful thing pops up. Like a little brother. And maybe instead of just gaining a little brother, Sports Man also gained an older sister.

Thank you again for bringing us together. We all love you more than words can say for that, and many other things. And don’t worry – when UNC lost last night, Sports Man wasn’t even watching the game. Apparently he was so worked up and upset mid-game about the bad calls and the bad playing that they turned the TV off before it was even over. I’m pulling for Ohio State to win this year anyways.

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