Tag Archives: Forever

The Adoption Papers

24 Jul

Two years ago today, I signed your adoption papers.

It was my last day in the hospital. You were born on a Thursday and I’d spent all day Friday with you, but Saturday, we had to go. My social worker from the adoption agency was there, along with the hospital social worker, the interim care mom, and Pop-Pop and Grandma M.

I’d seen the papers before —  my social worker had shown them to me in one of the many meetings I had with her before you were born. She wanted me to get acquainted with them, read them over, know where I would sign and what exactly I was signing. I hated those papers. It felt like signing a document that said, “Yes, sure, take my child away from me.” In the back of your mind and at the bottom of your heart you know that you’re doing it because it’s what’s best, but at the time, it just feels so wrong.

I hadn’t let you out of my sight since you were born. From the moment I saw you, I never wanted to stop looking at you. You were perfect, this little miracle that I had somehow managed to create, and I was just in awe of you. We had visitors — Aunt S, Uncle J, even your Godmother’s mom stopped in to say hi. Looking back, it’s a miracle they got to hold you. I’m surprised I let you out of my arms even for a second. But out of my sight? Not a chance. If I only had a couple of days where you were 100% completely and truly mine, I was going to keep you with me the whole time. You are an excellent snuggle buddy, by the way.

But when it came time to sign papers and make everything official, I really refused to let you go. I held you the whole time, signing my name where I was supposed to, giving you kisses every spare second I could, mostly crying the whole time. I felt like I was just…letting you go, and it was the worst feeling in the whole world, only rivaled in intensity by the following few days during which I became a total recluse, cried all the time and probably scared the daylights out of The B’s by being totally incommunicado. But it all started with those papers, signed two years ago today. I’ll never forget it.

But the beauty behind all of that pain two years ago is that two days ago, I was busy playing with you. Over the weekend we devised a new game that you call “Rock:” it mostly just involved me rocking your stuffed animals in a glider while you laughed and watched from your crib (did I mention that you are easily entertained?). The beauty is that two years later, you know my name and we play games and we laugh together. The beauty is that I have an entirely new extended family that I love being a part of, a family brought together by your ever-wonderful existence. We’re all intertwined, forever a part of one another’s lives. I hated those papers at the time, but I will be forever thankful for what they brought me.

Especially because they brought me things like this:

Drinking out of the hose with you!

Just takin’ an outdoor shower ;)

With our families on your birthday tractor ride!

Yes, your hand was in that cow’s mouth…

…but you thought it was the coolest thing ever.
Photos by J

Little Man Turns Two!

23 Jul

You turned TWO yesterday! And lucky me, I got to spend the whole weekend with you. Friday when I got there, we played all night. We went to your party Saturday (so ridiculously fun…I’ll tell you all about it!) and then played outside for the rest of the afternoon.

Sunday, your actual birthday, I woke up early — before you (I know…I was shocked too). I tiptoed into your room, sat in the rocking chair across from your crib and just watched you sleep. All I could think about was how your entire body used to be the length of what your legs are now, and how two years ago, at exactly that time in the morning, my water had just broken and I was thinking about how I was going to get to meet you soon. And then (after 11 not-so-pleasant-but-totally-worth-it hours of labor) I did! And now you’re two and I couldn’t be more in love with you or your family.

It’s the miracle of The B’s and the wonder of open adoption that let me sit there and just watch you sleep yesterday morning. I couldn’t be more thankful or feel more blessed that I have the opportunity to know you and watch you grow. I needed that opportunity — once I discovered you (seven months before you made your debut), being without you would have been an impossibility. I wanted what was best for you, but what we have has always been so much more. From the beginning, our situation has been the best thing that could have happened to me. You are my love but you have brought me my family, and I love you all more than I can say. I am one lucky lady.

And YOU are one adorable (official) two-year old — and trust me when I say that I have a ton of pictures and countless videos from our weekend adventure to prove it. Stay tuned, Little Man :)

Just for You

17 Jul


I had to go to an event in Times Square yesterday and on my way there, I ran across this guy! I thought of you and couldn’t resist. I understand your attraction to him now — he is very friendly, albeit much taller than I expected.

P.S. – He told me to tell you hi :)

I’m a Comin’!

16 Jul

The official statistics are in. It’s been

– 73 days since I saw you last (Boo!)


Which is

– 73 days longer than I like to go without seeing you


But now we have

– Six days until your second birthday

Four days until I see you

– Three days until I fly down there


Not that I’m counting.


But maybe I’m not the only impatient one…

So I have decided that this video (thank you E!) means that you’ve just been missing me like crazy and you can’t wait to see me again. Don’t worry buddy…I understand the feeling :)

Fifteen Minutes of Fame

12 Jul

Photo by J

We’re famous! Well…relatively famous…kind of famous. A picture of our family beach vacation this past May was chosen for the Best Family Vacations by iVillage (slide eight)! J did a write-up about why she loved it, and the picture of all of us on the steps is now out there for the world to see and read about. Cool, right? Especially since I know you must be so unfamiliar with having your pictures posted for the world to see on a regular basis. Wait a second…

And just for kicks…

Our Very First Family Photo! How the times have changed, huh? :)
Photo by J

Words Are Like Nets and Bubbles Are Like Love

13 Jun

You have no idea how in love with that smile I am. I’m using my lunch “hour” to stare at it – and wouldn’t you know, it’s making my day better! I really needed a pick-me-up today and even from a distance, you and The B’s (especially J, who took this picture) always know how to get the job done.

You know, when I think of how much I love you, I think of this quote by one of my favorite authors, Jodi Picoult: “Words are like nets – we hope they’ll cover what we mean, but we know they can’t possibly hold that much joy, or grief, or wonder.” I hope that the words I write to you can convey how I feel for you, but I love you so much, I don’t think they’ll ever be able to. I’m gonna give it my best shot though :) I can’t wait to play in some bubbles with you – one month and a week to go!

I Miss You Extra

7 Jun


Happy Thursday handsome man! I don’t have any quirky stories to tell today (well, I do because you’re just a quirky little guy), but today I just wanted to tell you that I love you. I’m always thinking about you, always wishing I was with you, always wanting to be by your side.

I hope you are having one of the best days with one of the best families I know. I wish I could explain how lucky I feel to have you but I’d run out breath before I ran out of things to say. I hope that one, you understand how madly in love with you I am. You’re my everything. I miss you extra today. I can’t wait to see you again my beautiful boy. Forty-three days and you’re all mine. I can hardly wait.

No matter where you are or what you’re doing, you’re always on my mind. I love you so, so much. I will never let you forget it because I’m going to spend the rest of my life reminding you.

Yours forever and ever and always,


Is Forever Enough?

30 Mar

 This is one of the pictures that J took from your last visit. I already showed you a few of them, but this one is my favorite.

 First of all, I’m a sucker for black and white pictures. I think a lot of pictures need their color, and believe me, I love those too, but black and white just adds such a beautiful and classical edge to a photo. That’s what I love about this picture: how classical it looks. Truly like a moment of beauty and love, frozen in time. The shadows are perfect, the smile on your face melts my heart, and the hug I’m giving you is meant to convey every ounce of love I have for you. And you’re holding on to me too. That might be my favorite part.

 I know I say it all the time, but I will never be able to say it enough. I love you, Little Man. I love every hug, every smile, every picture, every second of time I get to spend with you. I love that you exist, I love that I get to call you mine, I love that my apartment is plastered with pictures of you, I love that I get to show you off, I love that simply thinking of you can turn bad around day around, I love that having you finally showed me what love truly means in the first place. I didn’t really know until I met you, and now I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone as much. You are the best thing. You mean more to me than I’ll ever be able to tell you, but I’m going to keep trying anyways. I am never going to let you forget it, not for one second.

This picture encompasses a lot of feelings. They’re worth 1,000 words and though I could certainly write that much about my love for you, it’s wonderful that we have iconic images like this to do it for us. I love you to the ends of the earth and back, to infinity and beyond. Like my favorite song for you says, “How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough, ’cause I’m never, never giving you up.”

This I Promise You

9 Mar

Everybody makes promises. That’s one thing you’ll learn as you get older, and it’s something you’ll hear a lot. “I promise you…this.” When you’re little you put a lot of stock into what people promise you. When you get older…maybe not so much. My hope for you is that you never learn to be cynical like that. I hope that people never prove you wrong or let you down.

 But just in case, here’s the deal – there are a lot of people you will never have to worry about trusting: The B’s for certain. Pop-Pop 3 and Grandma M, definitely. Your multiple aunts – my many, many friends – will always be a solid shoulder to lean on.  And lastly, me. I will always be honest with you. I will always be dependable.

 So in the spirit of that, I would like to make you a few promises I will always, always keep.

 I promise to comfort you when you’re sick.

 I promise to try to cheer you up whenever you’re upset.

 I promise to take you out for ice cream during the summer.

 I promise to pick you up when you fall.

 I promise to visit as often as humanly possible.

 I promise to come to as many school plays, concerts, recitals or games that I can.

 I promise to support you no matter what you choose to do or be.

 I promise to show naked baby pictures to your girlfriends (oh yeah, I’ve got ’em).

 I promise to answer all the questions you ask me truthfully.

 I promise to be there for you and for all of The B’s.

 I promise to love your family because they are my family.

 I promise to be there to bounce ideas off of when you have a big decision to make.

 I promise to brag about you to everyone I know (I’ve already started on that one…)

 I promise to learn how to cook so that I can make you home cooked meals some day.

 I promise to help E educate you in music. Actually, I promise to tell C that he should help E educate you in music.

 I promise that one day, you’ll be proud of me.

 I promise to listen before I react.

 I promise to try to learn everything about you that I can.

 I promise to love you forever.

 One of the biggest, most important promises I will make you is this: I promise to put you first, before anything or anyone else. You are the most important thing to me. No one will ever take your place. No one will ever matter more. You are at the top of list, you take the cake, you’re number one…and whatever other clichés there are to say, “You have won me.” My heart is yours along with the rest of me. It has been for years now.

 The list is going to go on. I’m going to add to it for the rest of my life, and I want you to know that I’ll keep them, every single one. And I also want you to know that I’ll never makes ones I think I might go back on. I want to be someone you trust. I want to be someone you will never be afraid to depend on. I will be here for you, no matter what.

I promise.

%d bloggers like this: