Already a Ladies Man

9 Apr

Hopefully, you know that you are loved like crazy. And the beauty of open adoption is that you have the chance to be loved by twice as many people. You’re loved by two moms, two dads, eight grandparents, six first cousins, and there’s no way I’m going to try to count second cousins.

 What I love most though is how many Aunts you have. Not the literal kind though – the only legitimate aunt you have is C’s younger sister M. I mean the Aunts who deemed themselves members of your family before you were ever born, because long ago, they deemed themselves members of my family. I’m talking about my closest friends, friends who have loved you since I showed them your ultrasound pictures, friends who clamor to see you every time you’re in town or ask to drive down with me whenever I go to visit you.

 I would truly be lost without my friends, your Aunts. They mean the world to me – they support me, they listen to me, they talk to me. We swap stories and laughter, stay with each other through happiness and sadness. We love each other unconditionally, just like family. My friendships with these girls have withstood tests of time and trial and distance and strife. We fight but we make up because we can’t stand being mad at each other. The B’s are a beautiful example of how friends can be family just as much as your actual family can. These girls are no different.

 My closest friends are your Aunts S, J, NYC, and Russia. Your Aunt S came with me to almost every doctor’s appointment and a few of my child birthing classes. She and Aunt J came to the hospital when I was in labor. When Aunt J got the call the I was at the hospital she flew out of the house in the first outfit she could find without so much as taking a shower. Of course, then she sat there for five or six hours until you were finally born, but she likes to tell the story. I almost slept over at her house the night before you were born. If I had, my water would have broken all over her sofa. It would have made for a great story, but I would have been a little bummed – I love that sofa.

 Aunt J is actually your Godmother, on my side of things anyway. She actually got an owl tattoo on her back, so that you’re with her everywhere she goes too. She spent a large majority of my pregnancy with me – we liked to say that she had “sympathy cravings” because I always took her with me when I wanted food. We went to Bojangles a lot…I had a thing for the fries. You’ll have to try them someday.

 Your Aunt NYC has actually never met you, because she lives – take a wild guess – in New York City. She was the first person I called when I found out about you. At the time she was living in NC, so the next day she took me out last-minute Christmas shopping with her mom and we talked and she hugged me and made me laugh and let the shock wear off. She sends you stuff all the time – she sent you baby clothes after you were born and tries to plan visits to The B’s place every time she’s in town. She follows all of your pictures on J’s Facebook.

 Aunt Russia loves babies. End of story. She always comments on how adorable you are and she goes out of her way to visit you every time you’re in town too. She and Aunt S and Aunt J came down to The B’s for your 1st birthday. She takes a bunch of pictures of you and – back when you still let people hold you – she would snag you every chance she got. As you may have guessed, she’s Russian. Well, Belarusian actually, which means she’s stunningly beautiful and crazy tough. Especially where you’re concerned – she could and would scare the daylights out of anyone who was treating you wrong. She’s almost as protective over you as I am, and that’s saying something.

 Aunt S actually came to live with me when I was pregnant. She slept downstairs with me when my stomach got big enough to move me out of the twin bed upstairs to the full size futon downstairs. She came to the appointments and the classes, she showed off your ultrasound pictures like they were her own, and she left me a voicemail congratulating me on having a boy before I actually had the ultrasound that proved it. She was the first of my friends to meet The B’s and they still love her dearly. She still shows off pictures of you like you’re her actual nephew, because honestly you are. That’s what she calls you when she talks about you. She’s ridiculously proud of you, just like me. And just like me, you mean the world to her too.

 I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that my friends are a part of your life. And the best thing is, I know they always will be. They’ve been there for me for years, and sometimes I swear they’re starting to love you more than they do me. We love you so much and we will always be here for you. Because if there is anything that these beautiful, wonderful women are good at, it’s giving constant support and endless love.

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Happy Easter Little Man

8 Apr

You and Sports Man on your first Easter in 2011!

 

Happy Easter, baby boy! I hope you are having a wonderful time celebrating this miraculous and joyous day with all of the people who love you so dearly. I know I love you more than I will ever be able to convey with words, and I wish I could be there today to see you in all of your springtime glory. I wish a happy Easter for the rest The B’s as well – they are certainly one of the best gifts God has ever given me. Save an Easter egg for me, Little Man :)

 

You this Easter :) Thank you J

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The New Cary Grant

7 Apr

In your lifetime, you’re probably going to hear a lot about Cary Grant. He was a very popular actor in the mid-1900’s, starting on Broadway and then playing multiple roles in a wide variety of movies. If you boil it down, he has four basic trademarks: his mid-Atlantic accent, his “handsome bachelor” role that he played in a majority of his movies, his frequent appearance in romantic comedies, and the dimple in his chin.

Which brings me to Reason I Love You #18: The dimple in your chin.

I’ve told you before that it was the first thing I noticed about you after you were born. The lifted you up to where I could see you and your chin was the first thing I saw. It was one of my first two thoughts I had after you finally made it out: number one was that you were crying and I’d always heard that a crying baby means a healthy baby. So when I heard you cry, I knew you were safe and alive and those were the most important things. Thought number two was, “He has a cleft chin.”

It has been wildly popular ever since. Even I hear a lot about your chin – people always comment on it. They think it’s adorable, mostly because it is. You wear it very well.

The best thing is that it’s a 100% Liam thing. There are no dimpled chins in my family – I have the slightest depression in my chin, but you can only see it if the lighting is right so I don’t think it counts. And as far as I know, no one in C’s family deals with dimpled chins either. It’s just a “you” quality. A Little Man trademark. Something completely and totally unique, just like the rest of you.

So it’s true, I’m in love with your cleft chin just like everyone else who knows you. I love that it’s the first thing people notice, I love that it was one of the first things I noticed, I love that it’s just yours, I love that it looks perfect on you. It’s a small thing, but sometimes it’s the smallest things that matter the most. I love you for a million small reasons and in the end, they add up to the most powerful kind of love I’ve ever had the privilege of experiencing – that’s a lot to be said for the “little things.”

I’m fairly certain your chin is not something you’re going to grow out of – you’ll have the Cary Grant dimple for the rest of forever, and I think it’s wonderful. Only after you, they’ll probably rename it the Liam Hudson dimple. After all, you’re already way cuter than Cary Grant ever was.

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Babies and Beaches

6 Apr

I officially get to go to the beach with you this summer!

One of E’s uncles has a house in Charleston and The B’s rented it out for the week after my last week of finals. Grandma M, Pop-pop 3 and even Aunt S are all coming down for the week. I couldn’t be more excited. Aside from the hospital after you were born and your birthday weekend, this will be the longest time I’ve gotten to spend with you. That may sound surprising, but considering how often I get to see you, and all of the pictures and videos I get when I don’t see you, I never feel like we’re apart for too long.

You’ve been to the beach before. Actually, that’s where you went immediately after your adoption was finalized. The B’s were in the middle of a beach trip with family when all of that happened, so they came down and stayed with me for a day and then drove right back out to the water. They took you back down to the beach again in October later that same year, and I know you’ve been at least once since then. You were obviously meant to be a beach boy.

I love the beach. I always have. It’s the picture of relaxation I visualize when I’m stressed. It’s the place I try to go at least twice a year. It’s the place I dream about when I’m not there. I love the sound of the crashing waves, and I absolutely love the smell – there’s nothing else like it. I like swimming in the ocean or reading a book on the beach or sitting out on a porch or balcony at night as the sun goes down. And now I get to share all of that with you :)

That’s what I’m most excited about for this beach trip: spending time with you and The B’s. Of course, I’m going to love the water and the sand and the smell, but it’s going to be a hundred times better with all of you there. Hopefully, I’ll get up with E and we’ll have coffee like we always do when I visit. J and I will talk and laugh and cook together (a.k.a I’ll stir or chop something…that’s safest for all of us). I’m definitely planning on burying Sports Man in the sand with only his head showing – your Aunt S and I going to give him the body of a mermaid. Shh!

But I also can’t wait to see you in your little bathing suit, running around the beach house or playing in the pool. I want to see what you think of the sand or if you like swimming. I love it when I get to learn new things about you, and being with you at the beach will be one of those chances for me. But mostly, it’s just the time I’ll get to spend with you. I’ll get to love on your for four days straight. It’s the best end-of-the-semester present I could have ever gotten.

Not to mention all of the video footage I’m going to record and all of the photos J is going to take. If there’s anything I love more than spending time with you, it’s committing that time to memory forever. Then again…I don’t think there is anything I love more than spending time with you. You are the best thing in the whole world. I can’t wait to be a beach bum with you, baby boy.

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The Perfect Book

4 Apr

For the past little while, I’ve been thinking about a book. I couldn’t for the life of me remember what it was called, but I remembered that it was very short – a children’s book, I think – and it was about a mother and her son. Something about how she loved him a lot and held him all the time, and then when she got older, he held her instead. The illustrations have been popping into my head every now and then, but since I couldn’t remember the book, I gave them little thought. I would just smile when the images came to mind, and that would be that.

Until today.

Sitting in my school library just now, I found the main part of the book inscribed in tiny print on a wall. They weren’t finished, but after I read the first line, it all came back to me. I remembered the book, what it was called and what it said. I’m still a little stunned that it happened – that the main part of a book about a mother and son that I’ve been thinking about recently just pops up on the wall next to the chair I decided to sit in today. It’s cosmic almost, don’t you think? Just perfect.

The main part goes like this: “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”

The words on the wall only go as far as, “…as long as I’m living…” but I knew the rest. Of course I did.

And now I’m about to cry in the library. Because it’s too perfect, so perfect for you and I. This book, Love You Forever, is perfect for any mother with a son. It’s about a mother loving her son through all of the years, through his many phases in life, through thick and thin. Just loving him forever, no matter what, exactly the way I plan to love you.

This little inscription on the wall is yet another way I think a certain Big Guy Upstairs makes sure you’re with me everywhere I go. I just don’t have any other explanation for things like this, or for people like The B’s, or for luck like I had in finding them and having you. It has to be God who makes things like that happen.

I’m glad I finally remembered the name of the book. I read it for years as a kid, and it’s so interesting to look back and realize that I had no idea how much it would come to mean to me. And now I have my own little boy. And I’ve snuck up on you and held you in the night when you were sleeping, just like the mother in the story did. I know J has too. We can’t help ourselves…we’ll love you forever, we’ll like you for always, as long as we’re living, our baby you’ll be.

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Our Miniature Mister Mischievous

3 Apr

According to J, you fell out of your crib this morning. Apparently you tried to climb out all by yourself instead of waiting for her to come get you. It didn’t end well – you may be ahead of your time, but you’re about as coordinated as every other two-year old. Which, of course, means not very coordinated. You fell pretty hard and cried.

Of course, in hearing about this, I think of your crib. And right now, in my mind, it’s hundreds of feet off the floor and it’s a minor miracle that you survived a fall of that magnitude. Welcome to the mind of a mother.

But after this, J makes a mention of a toddler bed. I’ll quote her directly, “I am so not ready for the toddler bed.” Now to be honest, I had to Google “toddler beds” because I had no idea what they were. I didn’t even know they were a type of bed until today. Basically they look like regular beds only a little smaller and with half railings along the sides. Actually, they look kind of cool, like a fort only in bed form. Sports Man has really cool bed similar to this – his actually has a tent over it. I sleep in it when I come to visit you. It’s totally cool.

Now J’s aversion to the toddler bed might be partially due to the fact that you can get out of it whenever you want to. While this sounds like a plus when compared to you trying to get out of your crib today, it also means that when you don’t feel like taking a nap, or when you wake up in the middle of the night and decide you’re bored, there is nothing keeping you in your bed or even in your room anymore. And considering your tendency towards the mischievous, freedom like that might be a little too much freedom. I love your independence, but I also don’t have to deal with you stealing Glad ware or climbing on counter tops (which, as much we’d rather you not do that, we still tend to find endearing).

But I think another reason J might not be ready for your toddler bed is because it officially makes you a toddler. And if you’re a toddler, then you’re no longer a baby. And if you’re no longer a baby then that means you’re growing up and I’m not sure if we’re okay with that. We love watching you learn and develop and change, but we also love the days when you weighed 7 lbs and we carried you everywhere. Sometimes it feels as though you were born yesterday, which would make your need for a toddler bed improbable. But I suppose if I have to choose from you falling out of your crib or being an official toddler, I’ll go with your toddler phase. But you see, one of themanyperks of being your mother is that I reserve the right to call you “my baby boy” forever. Which I will. Even when you’re in high school…and college…and when you get married…

Anyhow, I hope you’re feeling okay after your fall today. You’re as tough as they come, so I’m sure you’ve made a full recovery, unlike J who is probably still picturing you crying on the floor. Another point I’d like to make: I really, really love J. She’s the wonderful, beautiful sister I’ve never had and always wanted. And as much as I love your crazy independence (which you totally get from me), I love her just as much. So if your could maybe not give her a premature heart attack, I would really appreciate it :)

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Little Man Takes a Sick Day

2 Apr

You were so sick this day. I got a text from J on my way down to visit you that weekend – April 2, 2011 actually – that you were not feeling well. When we got there you had a fever, a runny nose and every time you coughed, it sounded like your lungs were going to come up. Anywhere you went that day, the humidifier followed (as you can see). Both J and E alternated being on the phone with the doctor’s office and the pharmacy until they finally got something called in for you and E went to pick it up. This picture is one of the many times you passed out that day.

What I remember most from this particular sick day was that I got to rock you to sleep. You would get fussy and we’d know it was a sign you were tired – thanks to being really sick, you hadn’t slept much through the night. So a couple of times when that happened, I took you into your room, wrapped you in a blanket and sat in the rocking chair in the corner of the room and just rocked you until you zonked out. You didn’t stay asleep too long – maybe 30 minutes each time. You’d get really hot and start sweating your fever out and wake yourself up. And even though I hated that you were sick, I was glad I got to be of some comfort to you.

I never got the “rocking you to sleep in the middle of the night” experience. Of course, that particular experience is accompanied by being woken up in the middle of the night in the first place which I’m sure isn’t so pleasant, but I still wanted to do it. Pop-pop 3 always told me that he loved getting up with me in the middle of the night when I was a baby. Alone time, just the two of us. Making me feel comfortable and safe and loved enough that I would be lulled back into sleep. It always seemed like such a beautiful bonding time and I’d always wanted to have it with you. Any time I stayed the weekend, The B’s would always let me put you to bed or do your late night feeding, and I loved it. I never got to use the rocking chair until this day though. The sickness was no fun, but I’ll take any opportunity I can to hold you while you’re still small enough. That certainly hasn’t changed.

Actually, you were quite the trouper that day. A couple of naps, a dose of medicine and you were ready to play! This was right after you’d gotten the hang of crawling, so you were all over the place. You did what I like to call “the army crawl” – you used your elbows and your feet to push yourself forward, no knee action whatsoever. Though I found out later that the “army crawl” is actually rather popular amongst babies learning to crawl, it was the first time I’d ever seen any baby do that. I thought it was hilarious. I got on the floor and army crawled with you. We played your toys. Aside from the bright red nose and the horrible coughs, you couldn’t even tell you were sick.

Of course, you’ve gotten sick since then. I’ve seen you on occasion with a cold or a runny nose, and when you’re sick and I’m not there, J will text me with updates on how you’re doing. I always tell her to give you kisses from me and I have no doubt that she does it. But that day was my first Little Man Sick Day experience. I can’t say I’m a huge fan. Well, aside from getting to take care of you, of course. But I know you’d rather get better, and I want what you want. Because I love you, in sickness and in health.

But for future reference, I’ll rock you to sleep any day you want me to, no matter how big you get.

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When Life Gives Liam Lemons…

1 Apr

Yes, that is a lemon that you’re eating.

The B’s said that the first time you ate a lemon, you didn’t even blink. They were ready and waiting with cameras, picture phones, video cameras, the whole shebang to get that first, adorable “sour baby face.” And then you aren’t even phased. They thought it was hilarious. The sour face kicked in later. I got a video of it, about a month or so after this picture was taken.

Reason I Love You #723: The quirky way you never do what anybody expects you to.

Why 723? Because there’s at least a million, probably more, and I wanted to start out small.

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Attack of the Dream Babies

31 Mar

I’m going to tell you about a dream I have at least once every couple of months. The dream is pretty easy to explain: I’m pregnant in it. But in these pregnancy dreams, I’ve already had you – I’m pregnant again. And in these dreams, I’m always freaking out.

“I can’t do this again!”

“How am I supposed to explain this to my parents?”

“Will The B’s help me raise this one too?”

These are the thoughts that run through the mind of Dream Renee. I loved being pregnant with you. I had so much fun going to doctor’s appointments (the first and only time that has ever happened), watching my growing belly, feeling you move, finally getting to meet you…it was a wonderful experience that I loved and continue to cherish. However, it is not one I plan to repeat for a very long time, and definitely not again until I’m married, which is why this dream always terrifies me a little.

Before you, I wasn’t sure I wanted children at all. Like I’ve told you before, I was never that good with kids, and babies always cried when I held them. I just kind of deemed myself a not-kid-friendly person at an early age, and I never gave having kids much thought. But when I found out about you at that doctor’s appointment in December 2009, I suddenly knew I wanted kids. More accurately, I wanted you. But ever since then, I’ve known that I’d really like to have more kids someday, when my life and relationships are more stable. Seeing you and how you’ve turned out and knowing how much I love you has been enough to convince me of that.

But to be honest, I have no idea how this will play out where you’re concerned. I don’t know how you’d take me having more kids. Hopefully you’d be excited. Or maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal to you at all. Of course it’s way too early to think about it, but I like to worry prematurely anyways. I’m a mother. It’s in my contract.

My biggest worry is that you’d think that me having another baby would take away from my love for you. That somehow with another little presence in my world, my love would have to be spread out more thinly, that I would have to take from the love I allotted to my first child and give it to my second. You’d be wrong about that if you thought it. My love wouldn’t be spread out – it would grow, expand, multiply.

You are like a first love (literally and metaphorically). The intensity of it is so new and so real because you’ve never felt anything like it before. The whole experience changes the way you view the world, it teaches you new things, and all of this beauty and happiness you feel is linked to one, singular person. And now matter how long you are together, or how much time passes between that first love and the present day, you will forever have a special link to them. You will love people after them, but not in the same way. That doesn’t mean you love the people who come later any less – it’s just meaningful and beautiful in a different way. Nobody forgets their first love. That person leaves imprints on the heart forever that no one elses footprints will be able to match. And you, my Little Man, are unmatchable.

Though your father C was my first romantic love, you were a whole new, powerful kind of first love. And no matter who I marry or how many kids I have, you were the first. Though I certainly will love any other children I have, my love for you will be special. It will always be one-of-a-kind. Because you taught me what it was to love someone more than myself. You changed the way I saw the world, and everything that has happened since is linked with you. It always will be. I love you like I will never love anyone else. Iwilllove, certainly, and all of those loves will be unique in their own way, too. But you were the first, and that means something. Never forget it.

Also, none of this will be an issue until at least ten years from now, if not more. I’ll leave any other kids before then to Dream Renee. Though I’m sure The B’s would happily help me raise another beautiful miracle, I’m done for now. You and I will figure the rest out down the road, but right now, I love that you’re my one and only. Plus, you’re just so wonderful in every possible way, who would want to mess with success? ;)

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Is Forever Enough?

30 Mar

 This is one of the pictures that J took from your last visit. I already showed you a few of them, but this one is my favorite.

 First of all, I’m a sucker for black and white pictures. I think a lot of pictures need their color, and believe me, I love those too, but black and white just adds such a beautiful and classical edge to a photo. That’s what I love about this picture: how classical it looks. Truly like a moment of beauty and love, frozen in time. The shadows are perfect, the smile on your face melts my heart, and the hug I’m giving you is meant to convey every ounce of love I have for you. And you’re holding on to me too. That might be my favorite part.

 I know I say it all the time, but I will never be able to say it enough. I love you, Little Man. I love every hug, every smile, every picture, every second of time I get to spend with you. I love that you exist, I love that I get to call you mine, I love that my apartment is plastered with pictures of you, I love that I get to show you off, I love that simply thinking of you can turn bad around day around, I love that having you finally showed me what love truly means in the first place. I didn’t really know until I met you, and now I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone as much. You are the best thing. You mean more to me than I’ll ever be able to tell you, but I’m going to keep trying anyways. I am never going to let you forget it, not for one second.

This picture encompasses a lot of feelings. They’re worth 1,000 words and though I could certainly write that much about my love for you, it’s wonderful that we have iconic images like this to do it for us. I love you to the ends of the earth and back, to infinity and beyond. Like my favorite song for you says, “How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough, ’cause I’m never, never giving you up.”

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