Tag Archives: Love

You, Me and C Makes Three

29 Feb

Me and C at Senior Prom

I’ve been in love three times in my life, but as of now, only two of those times will matter to you. Because one of those times was with you. The other was with your biological father C.

I don’t know if our story will ever matter to you, mine and C’s. I think it will someday. I think that eventually, how you came to be will be important to you. And the good news is that our love story is a good one – one I’m happy to retell, one I look back on and mostly think of fondly. We didn’t last, as I’m sure you will be able to tell soon enough. We are on very good terms now, even if it wasn’t always the case. And personally, I think the beginning and the middle matter much more than the end.

We fell in love in high school. We were on the high school newspaper together, so we’d known each other for about a year when we started dating. I know most people don’t believe that kids as young as we were – 17 for me, 16 for him – have any idea of what love actually means. I think it’s subjective. I think you are the only person who has the right to judge how you feel. And we certainly felt head-over-heels for each other. We said “I love you” for the first time on March 1, 2009 and every day afterwards for almost a year.

I remember one time when I was having a bad day, he took me for a drive, cranked up the loudest, most obnoxious rock song he had in his car and told me to scream as loud as I possibly could to get it all out. We both started yelling over the music and pretty soon, I couldn’t stop laughing. Another day, we went to a guitar shop (C is a ridiculously talented musician) and looked around. I could tell he wanted to play one, but we started to leave because he didn’t want to bore me. I stole his keys and wouldn’t let us leave until he played. I supported him. He cared about me. We spent the time we weren’t together texting or calling. I spent every Sunday at his house with his family. He brought me coffee to school in the mornings. We kissed and hugged and held hands. Even thinking back on it now, I find myself smiling. We loved each other.

I just think it is important for you to know that you exist because of love. Though you were unexpected, I never, ever want you to think you were an “accident.” Accident implies a mishap, an unfortunate or undesirable occurrence, and you my precious baby boy, are anything but – you are my everything. You are the result of two people experiencing first love. Two people who would have done anything for the other, who cared about each other more than anything else in the world. Two people who fall more and more in love with you every day.

True, our relationship didn’t survive my pregnancy. But that is absolutely the result of things that were done or said by us – not you. We were young, and in the end, youth can prove to be just as unstable as it is exciting. But I do believe we were in love. When we were in love, I truly thought I was done with dating – C and I were a forever kind of deal, and at the time, that thought went both ways. We truly meant it when we said “I love you,” and we still say it today – it just has a different connotation now.

If anything, our love for one another might mean even more now than it did back when we were in the first throes of love – after surviving the things that happened during my pregnancy, when there were some times when I definitely did not feel loving towards him, the fact that we still care for each other now is incredibly meaningful.

We grew up very fast – our lives were not about us anymore, and though I came to terms with that faster than he did, that knowledge definitely impacted us – it changed us both forever. But the best kind of love is that kind that changes you; the kind that touches your soul and leaves impressions that never fade and that you never forget. And wouldn’t you know, I think it’s the best thing that has ever happened to us. Because you are definitely the best thing that has ever happened to me.

There is so much more to our story. One day, if you want, I’ll tell you the rest of it, and C will help me. We’ll get to share little pieces of the love that brought you to be the gift that you are. We’ll get to relive our story – a story that was already unique and special, and now, it has the best ending of all :)

 

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Bouncing Baby Boys for Everyone!

27 Feb

Your Aunt L, a very close friend of mine, had a baby yesterday. Unlike me, she and her husband waited until their baby was born to find out whether it was going to be a boy or a girl. Well I’m happy to report that she now has her own Little Man – it’s a boy! And you know what? They really like the name Liam.

I’m stopping by later today to visit her and her brand ” new and blue” bundle of joy. I’ve only been to the maternity ward in the hospital where you born once since I had you, when another one of my friends had a baby girl (we’ve already arranged your marriage to her FYI). It bring back a lot of memories, being there. And though occasionally tainted with the sadness of my separation from you, at least 98% of my hospital memories are good ones.

I was in labor with you for 11 hours. When I got to the hospital, they strapped a couple of monitors to me – one to monitor the contractions and another to monitor your heartbeat. I had them turn up the sound of your heartbeats and listening to them helped me breathe through my contractions.

I remember when you finally…um…came out, I listened for your cry because I knew it would mean you were alive and okay. When they lifted you up and I got to see you for the first time, my very first thought was actually about your chin. I thought to myself, “He has a cleft chin!” I know…it was definitely not what I imagined my first thought would be when I saw you. Luckily, it makes for a good story ;)

However, while marvelling over your cute cleft chin, I was overcome with this unbelievable awe. Obviously, I had know you were real. I had know you were going to be born and that when you were, you would be a baby. But other than your hair and eye color, I hadn’t really thought too much about what the rest of you would look like. And suddenly…there you were. This little being, smaller than any baby I had ever been around before. A little person that I had helped to create. Nothing has ever been more real to me than that moment. That was the moment I changed forever. I had always loved you – since the day I discovered you – but in seeing you, how much I loved you overwhelmed me. I never believed in love at first sight, but that moment couldn’t have been anything but.

The immediately gave you to me and I got to hold you for a little while, so the doctors could finish up. Looking back at the pictures, you were covered in some pretty weird stuff but I honestly don’t remember any of that. I just remember getting to hold you, feeling so relieved – partly because the labor was finally over and partly because you were finally here. They cleaned you up and weighed you (7lbs, 6oz, by the way) and then they gave you to me for skin-to-skin time. You were so warm and tiny! Those few minutes were the most peaceful ones of my life.

Over the next day and half we got visitors and flowers and your grandparents stole all the time they could with you. I think the only time we ever sat you down was to change your diaper. Other than that, you were in someone’s arms 24/7. I would have held your forever if I could have. Eventually I suppose I would have had to let you learn how to walk, but that was a ways off anyhow.

My favorite times were when you opened your eyes. You were a fantastic baby – you didn’t cry at all really. If you got upset or hungry or cold, you would make disgruntled noises but that was it. Otherwise, you slept most of the time. But on occasion you would wake up, open your eyes and look around a little. But mostly, you focused on me. I know babies can’t see much more than outlines when they’re first born – it’s most just shapes and fuzzy features – but you certainly stared at me. And even though I know you weren’t seeing me, I liked to pretend that you did. I liked to think that you were making mental imprint of me that you would never forget no matter where or how far away you went. Like maybe that was your way of telling me you loved me, too.

But today, I will revisit the hospital maternity ward. I will relive the wonderful few days I got to spend with you there. I will get to say hello to a new mother who will now know, without a doubt, what I’m talking about when I mention that instantaneous love I felt the first time I saw you. I don’t know what name they officially settled on yet, and in the end, new life is new life and it doesn’t truly matter – but it’s quite possible that the world has just gained another Liam :)

Lookin' at me lookin' at you :)

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The Only Time Tom Cruise Has Ever Made Sense

23 Feb

For Thanksgiving 2009, your grandparents and I traveled to Alabama to visit my sister, your Aunt B, and her family. We all made dinner together and enjoyed a traditional Thanksgiving meal. It was delicious. I went back for seconds later that night and as I was heating up leftovers, I was suddenly nauseated. The food smelled disgusting. I couldn’t even be in the kitchen anymore because the smell was overwhelming. I remember telling your Grandma M that I just felt sick all of a sudden. It didn’t make any sense to me. I didn’t eat any leftovers for the rest of our trip.

Of course, about a month later during one, pivotal doctor’s appointment, it made total sense. I was too shocked to speak when I found out; I was already 8 weeks along. I couldn’t even find the words to tell Grandma M who was at the appointment with me – I just handed her your ultrasound pictures. You looked like a tadpole in them. Pop-Pop 3 called you Kermit for while.

When I found out about you, it took a couple of weeks (try 32) to let it sink it. I was suddenly aware that I was never alone – you went with me everywhere. I talked to you a lot, even in the early days, before you even had ears. I liked it – not being alone, because back in those days, I felt alone a lot. C and I had fallen apart, but I had you and there were times when you were the only thing that could make me feel better.

After that first one, ultrasounds became my favorite thing in the whole wide world. I only had three, but they were enough to make me realize why Tom Cruise bought Katie Holmes her own ultrasound machine when she was pregnant. Of course I was (very literally) connected to you, but getting to see you was an experience beyond words. Everyone daydreams about what their child is going to look like, who they’re going to be and an ultrasound is a window into those daydreams. They are a sneak peek into what is about to be the best part of your life. It’s actually probably a method of placating expecting mothers – we have to go another 20-or-so weeks without meeting you, so we’ve got to have something to hold on to in the meantime. Not to mention that you were incredibly photogenic. Still are.

After ultrasounds, my favorite thing was getting to hear your heartbeat. The way I used to describe the sound was like helicopter blades, right as the engine was starting up. Your heartbeats were so fast! It was like a “whoosh, whoosh” sound. I wish there had been a way to record it – I can still remember the way it sounded, crystal clear in my memory. Proof is important to mothers – we feel our babies moves around all the time, we know without a doubt that we’re carrying them, but those little moments of realization, those tiny glimpses into who we’re carrying, mean the world to us. We’re literally connected to you for nine months and it’s not nearly close enough.

I loved being pregnant with you. After the shock wore off, I bought books. And then I bought some more books. I read them from cover to cover – I would have to restrain myself from reading ahead in my because I wanted to read it as it happened, but I would just get too excited. I would want to know what you were doing, how much more you had developed, how big you were…I wanted to know everything about you. I loved buying stretchy pants, I loved feeling you move around, I love what I learned in my childbirthing classes, I loved learning about you and pregnancy period. It was all so new and interesting, and the best part is that it was all about you. I made you. I grew you. I look at you sometimes and I just can’t believe that I actually created something as beautiful as you, just by being me.

Pregnancy was completely unexpected for me; not at all planned for, but truly one of the most amazing experiences of my life. You are my most amazing experience – my proudest accomplishment, my favorite thing, the best thing I’ve ever done with my 21 years of life.

I’ve loved you single every day of you since that first one. I have a feeling that will never change. I just wanted you to know :)

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What’s In a Name…

22 Feb

I remember trying to pick your name. My parents have a couple of baby naming books, and one I day I pulled one off the shelf and started flipping through it. I wrote down all the names that I liked, and by the end of the book, I had about 7 or 8 names on my list. A few of them were eliminated pretty quickly but, as you might have gathered, Liam was on the top three. I ran it past C one day and he liked it too. It means “warrior” or “strong protector.”

The day I met J and E, we talked briefly about names towards the end of our meeting, and I mentioned Liam. J was excited – apparently, she had just talked to her mother about that name not that long before I mentioned it. However, The B’s had decided that if they ever had another boy, they would name him Hudson. After you were born, even though we had planned to name you Liam Hudson, they were going to call you by Hudson. But you were Liam in the hospital and you were Liam to the adoption agency and it stuck. Maybe that’ll change down the road. But either way, the fact that The B’s and I chose your name together has always meant a lot to me.

My name means “reborn” or “born again.” Supposedly I was named for a song that was played at my parent’s wedding, but I think it’s a very fitting meaning for me. My mom also told me that she liked Renee because it was difficult to get any sort of nickname out of it, and she didn’t want me walking around with any goofy “half-names” or anything.

And yet…

Children can’t pronounce the letter “R” very well, so when I started daycare, instead of going by “Renee,” it ended up just being “Nay” and then eventually “Nay-Nay.” It didn’t go away. For my 16th birthday, a friend of mine even gave me a licence plate that read, “Nay-Nay.” It’s still on my car today. Sorry, mom.

However, I find that I’ve become even more fond of my accidental nickname, because that’s what you call me.

I always wondered how the name thing was going to work. Whenever I brought up adoption to others, one of the FAQs was, “What is he going to call you?” I hated that question. Among the many wonderful aspects of adoption, I always felt as though that was going to be one of the not-so-nice strings attached. I knew that if you went up for adoption, I would spend the rest of my life watching you call someone else “mom,” and I didn’t really know what to do with that. But J had offered to share motherhood with me – that, coupled with the fact that you were quite a ways off from speaking, I figured it was enough and I let it go.

But then you grew up and, of course, the talking began. I’ll admit, the first time I heard you say “mama,” I immediately looked up and turned to you – it was just a reflex, I suppose. Only when I looked up, you weren’t looking at me. You weren’t reaching out for me. It wasn’t me that you wanted…it was J. I went to the bathroom and cried.

It was the one and only time I was upset by it. I had known it was coming, I had known I was going to have to come to terms with it. And if you’re going to call anyone other than me “mom,” I wouldn’t want it to be anyone else but J. That is what I focused on after that day – the fact that the woman you were calling “mom” was one that I loved, one that was strong and beautiful and wise and fun. One that loved me and loved you. One that I’m sure would have held my hand in the bathroom that day if I’d asked her to. I didn’t. I was afraid it would make her uncomfortable, but looking back I’m sure it wouldn’t have been. She loves me too much to let it matter. She told me once that she thinks of me as “her Renee,” which is one of the many reasons I am so glad you call her “mom.”

You call me “Nay-Nay” now. The B’s have been showing you pictures of me since you were only nine or ten months old, and when they point to my pictures they say, “That’s Nay-Nay!” Like usual, you caught on pretty fast – when I came to visit you for Christmas this year, I had barely been in the door for 10 seconds and you looked over at me and exclaimed, “Nay-Nay!” My heart felt so big, I thought it would burst. I feel as happy when you call me that as I would have if you called me “mom” because the most important thing is that you know me. You know who I am and I mean enough to you for you to remember me. And for now, that’s all that matters. That’s enough for me.

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Flowers Can Make a World of Difference

17 Feb

When you were born, I was in the hospital from around 9:30 a.m. on a Thursday to 3 p.m that following Saturday. I didn’t sleep much over those couple of days, partially because hospital beds are monstrously uncomfortable, but also partially because I didn’t to waste any time with you. Your adoption was impossibly imminent at this point – I knew that when we left the hospital, I would be going one way and you would be going another. I think I’m one of the very few women in the world who wanted her postpartum hospital stay to last as long as possible. So during the very few times I did sleep, I slept snuggled up with you, as you can see in the above picture that Pop-Pop 3 took.

You had a lot of visitors in the hospital. My friends, my friends parents, even your Uncle J (one of my best guy friends) flew in from New Orleans to see you. Actually, Uncle J and I had lunch and movie plans on the day you were born, so someday when he starts joking around with you about “messing up his plans,” you’ll understand why. Pop-Pop 3 and Grandma M stayed in the birthing room with me, but the waiting room was mostly crammed with your many admirers, just waiting to meet you.

You and I got a lot of flowers, too. A couple bouquets from your many aunts (my friends), a couple bouquets from my real aunts and some from other family members. My favorite bouquet, however, came from The B’s. I got it in the hospital on Friday, the day after you were born. The hospital social worker had just been in to talk to me about adoption; the procedure, the papers, etc. I felt like I was going to burst into tears just thinking about all of it – after finally meeting you and getting to spend time with you, “giving you up” was starting to feel more and more impossible. I loved you. After only spending 12 hours with you, I didn’t know how to exist without you.

As I was thinking all of this, a nurse walked in to deliver some flowers to me. They were beautiful – I remember that the roses were orange, and I loved the color. They were from The B’s with a card that ended up making a whole world of difference.

The card read, “Looking forward to spending a life time with you. Love, E, J and Sports Man.”

The timing couldn’t have been more perfect, almost as if it was designed that way. Although I was still sad and still scared, I felt a sort of calm and peace settle around me. We took the flowers and the card home and put them in our living room and over the next several days – some of the hardest days – whenever I would doubt or worry, I would pass by the card and it would help me to remember that I had chosen the right family – that The B’s wanted to love me as much as they loved you. And you just couldn’t go wrong with people who had that much love to give.

Tomorrow, The B’s are bringing you to see me, and we will get to spend the weekend together. And the month following this one, I’ll probably drive down to your house. And over the summer when I’m gone (I have an internship in NYC), we’ll Skype and send pictures and videos and e-mails, and I’ll keep writing you letters.

It looks like they weren’t kidding. It’s going to be quite a life time together, huh?

The flowers and card I got from The B's

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To My Handsome, Little Valentine

14 Feb

Hey there, handsome little man. Today is Valentine’s Day! I know that doesn’t mean much to you yet, so I’ll tell you a little bit about it.

Today is all about love. Love for your family, for your friends, for someone special. It’s about celebrating the people in your life that cherish you, and that you cherish back. It’s about loving yourself for who you are. It’s about realizing how much love you are surrounded by, period. Again, I know this doesn’t mean much to a one-and-a-half year old, but I find it to be very convenient since I am crazy, madly, head-over-heels in love with you.

However, when most people think of Valentine’s Day, they think of romantic love, which is also lots of fun. You won’t have to worry about this until you’re at least 45, so don’t think about it too much yet. But today E may be gifting J with a card or some flowers (or vice versa knowing how creative J is). Somewhere right now, a girl is getting chocolates in a heart-shaped box and a guy is planning a romantic evening. As you get older, things like this are what Valentine’s Day will be about.

I, however, like to think of Valentine’s Day as how I said it earlier: “It’s about celebrating the people in your life that cherish you, and that you cherish back.” I don’t save my love for one person (although if there was a list, you’d be at the top…sorry everyone else!), I like to give it freely to everyone important to me – my mom and dad, my beautiful friends, The B’s.

In a way Valentine’s Day is like Thanksgiving for me – it makes me realize how many people love me and care about me. It’s a day when I realize how wide my support system is and how lucky I am to have everyone in it. I have some of the best friends in the world, friends who have known you since you were just an 8-week old ultrasound picture, who love you almost as much as I do. They have always been there for me, whenever I need them. I adore them. They make my world go round, just like you do. Never underestimate the power of support.

So on this lovely Valentine’s Day, I want you to know that if you choose to celebrate Valentine’s Day the way I do, you are going to have the world’s biggest support system to be thankful for. You will have The B’s who already love you beyond words. You have J and E’s parents who think you are one of the world’s coolest kids. You have my parents you already brag about you endlessly and have their home wallpapered with photos of you. You have my friends who ask to tag along on every visit I take to see you and swarm my house whenever you come to town. You have your awesome big brother who already loves teaching you things and playing with you. You have everyone you’ve touched along the your journey from me to the B’s.

And lastly, you have me – no matter where you go or what you do. No matter if you want to be a rock star one day and football player the next. No matter where your dreams take you or what your interests are, I will support you. I will help you reach those dreams and explore those interests. Whatever you want to do or be, I want you to do or be. I am proud of you and I always will be. It is vitally important to me that you know how much I love you. Which part of the reason I started this blog – so I can tell you every day. Not just today, which is dedicated to love, but every day I possibly can, whether I’m with you or not.

So Happy Valentine’s Day, my handsome Little Man. I’m so happy to be yours.

You and I last Valentine's Day :)

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The Most Important Thing You’ll Ever Learn

6 Feb

One of the notes that I scribbled over and over to again to make sure I told you, is also one of the most important ones, which is why I’m posting it first:

I love you.

I don’t get to be with you every day which means I don’t see you every day, but even so I want you to know that every single second of every minute of every hour of every day, I love you. I love you to the moon and back. I love you to infinity and beyond. I don’t think they’ve determined what the biggest number in the world is, but once they do, you should know that I love you times that number. Plus one.

No matter where you go or what you do or what you say, even when you get older, even if you get mad at me, even if I make you cry or you make me cry, I love you, love you, love you forever and always. That has not changed and will never change, no matter how much distance ends up between us. I think about you all the time. I miss you every day.

And I love you, Little Man. In amounts I will never be able to quantify or measure. In ways that I might never be able to put into words. I love you. Never forget it.

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