A Different Kind of Belly Dancing

11 Feb

The first time I felt you kick when I was pregnant was on Valentine’s Day. I was actually at the movies watching a film called Valentine’s Day. Honestly…it kind of felt like I had gas. Hopefully that doesn’t completely ruin the romantic image of the moment because it was a really big moment for me. I was just sitting there, in the movie theater, wondering what was going on with my stomach and all of a sudden realizing what that fluttering feeling was. It was you.

I had never been so moved in my entire life. I had known you were there, of course. I found out I was pregnant on December 22, 2009. And even though I loved you from the second I discovered you, I truly felt a connection to you that Valentine’s Day. Like our relationship was real and we were one. It was the first time I really felt like a mom. It was the best Valentine’s gift I’ve ever gotten. No flowers or chocolates or cards are ever going to make me feel as loved as I felt on that day. I felt you kick every single day from them until the day you were born, and I cherished every single second of it. I like to think it was your way of saying, “Hi mom!”

And since we both know I love videos (E sent me some great ones last night after yesterday’s post) I wanted to show you one of the many videos I have of you…before you were born. You could morph my stomach into some pretty weird shapes and it was so much fun to watch and feel! I have lots of film clips of you kicking, turning over, rolling around and doing whatever else you were doing in there. I loved every second of it and sometimes, I miss it – you being so close, feeling every movement you made. But luckily for me, I have videos like these for moments like those :)

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The Laugh I Love

10 Feb

J is a wonderful photographer. This will be easy to see when you get older and have a chance to really appreciate her work, but ever since I met her, I’ve been blown away by what she can capture with a camera. It’s how she keeps me with you even when I’m not – she sends pictures to my phone when you do something cute or silly. Occasionally, she’ll have do photoshoots of you and not only will you be adorable in them (you’ve been photogenic since your ultrasounds) but they will look downright professional. She even started a blog right after you were born so I could keep up with your day-to-day progress, but eventually you kept her too busy to be able to update it every day, and she and I grew so close, we didn’t need a blog to connect us anymore.

Though I am no where near J and her skill, I take pictures of you too. I attempt to capture every single visit we have together so I can come back home and wow your many aunts (my beautiful friends who have also loved you since you were rolling around in my tummy) with how much you’ve grown and how handsome you are. But what I like to do most is record videos of you.

I love home videos because, like pictures, they record a moment in time. So years from now when you’re taller than me (I don’t like to think about it), I will be able to look back on these videos and remember when you used to be small enough to hold. One day, I hope we can watch them together and you can be amazed by your own miniscule-ness. I also hope that on that day, as you watch your teeny, tiny self interact with the world, you can get even more of a sense of how many people love you and have loved you from the very beginning.

This is one of my favorites videos of you. Granted, it’s not one of the ones from the very beginning (and I’ve got ’em, don’t you worry), but since it’s one of my favorites, I figured it should be the first one I post in our blog.

I recorded this in June 2011; you were almost 11 months old. Sports Man was playing with the car keys (you have a thing for keys – you love to play with them) and he started jumping out from behind me and jingling them at you. As you will be able to see, you found it hilarious.

I know that everybody loves baby laughs, but I have never been happier in my life than when I see and hear you laugh. It is the best sound I’ve ever heard. You just sound so jubilant, so entertained and as a mother, I am happy whenever you are happy. I would say that’s from the Handbook too, but I think it just comes naturally. That’s part of the reason I love The B’s and everyone else you are constantly surrounded by, even though I can’t always be one of them – they make you happy. They make you smile and they make you laugh, and all of that makes me thankful.

But for the many, precious moments I do get to spend with you, I try to immortilze in film so that way, I can see you any time I miss you. That way, I can see you anytime I want.

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Handbooks, Risks, and What No One Tells You About Growing Up

9 Feb

“Because I said so” is a famous line said by all parents at some point when they are challenged by their kids. Not my parents, though. Whenever I questioned my mom and dad’s parenting authority with an “oh yeah?” or a “says who?” my parents – your grandparents – would always say to me, “It’s in the parenting handbook.”

I am sorry to tell you this, but your grandparents are dirty liars. When you were born, you did not come with a handbook as promised. I had you, a bunch of diapers and some formula, and with only that, I was supposed to transform into a parent. While I did successfully learn to change a diaper (eventually), the rest has been a make-it-up-as-you-go kind of a thing. Therefore, I have decided that when your grandparents referred to their “handbook,” they were actually talking about the rules they made up as they went along. And now that I am a parent I can’t help but think…

What a wonderful idea!

So here is my first piece of advice to you, straight from my very own parenting handbook – take all of the chances, risks and opportunities you can.

It feels cliché for me to say that, but I continually forget that everything “cliché” to me is brand new to you. That is actually how you have helped me to take the advice I just gave you. People frequently say that their children keep them young and it’s true – seeing the world through your eyes is like seeing it as this new, exciting phenomenon where everything is something worth discovering.

Honestly, I have just started taking my own advice which is why I wanted to give it to you now – taking chances and risks and opportunities is the best way to live life. It’s another way of saying do the things you want to do and don’t be afraid to live.

As I’ve gotten older, I have been more and more surrounded by practicality and I hate it. While responsiblility is necessary and I do admire it and hope that I embody it in some way, always being responsible and always doing the practical thing will take the fun out of life.

Right now, at the age of 20, I’m supposed to know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I’m supposed to have my career nailed down and preferrably, it’s supposed to be a lucrative one. I’m supposed to get in and out of school with my degree as fast as I can so that the real world can fully take hold of me and I can finally be “an adult.”

I never want you to think that.

I want your life to be as fun as humanly possible. I want you to do the things you love. I want you to experience life as fully as you can, and to do that, you have to try not to be afraid. And most of all you have to take chances – go to Europe for a month even though you’ll be broke when you get back. Try out for the basketball team even if you’re not the tallest. Take a summer internship in a far away city even though you’ve never been away from home for that long. Stay out late with your friends even though you know you’ll be tired in the morning (only if you have your parents permission to stay out late, of course. Also, don’t do this is your friends are knocking over liqour stores).

The experiences you have and the memories you make will be worth every penny, every minute of missed sleep, every minute you spend worrying about whether or not you can do it. One of the best feelings I’ve ever had is doing something I wasn’t entirely sure I could do. That’s why chances and risks can be so fun – looking back at them and knowing you accomplished them comes with the knowledge that you can do whatever you set your mind to, and that is empowering. And if there has ever been a little boy who has had a brave, adventerous, I’m-going-to-carve-my-own-path personality, it is you. You are already famous for falling down and getting right back up, and I find that I’m already proud of you.

So from here on out, do the fun things. Do what it takes to enjoy your life. And every now and then, do the things that scare you. And if they scare you a lot, know that I am always here to fall back on. No matter what you do, I will always be part of your support system (your very extensive support system).

After all, it’s in the handbook that I love you no matter what. It’s also in the handbook that I like chocolate for my birthday and that you be a Patriots fan. But for now, and forever, you only have to remember the first part.

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The Birds, the Bees and the Business of Being a Birth Mom

7 Feb

 One day, you are going to ask the question that every parent fears – you’re going to ask about sex and it’s going to be terrifying because no matter how old you are, you’re going to be too young to be asking that question. Most likely either your mom, your dad or I will starting tripping over the “birds and the bees” metaphor or say that “when a man and woman love each other, it makes a baby!” Honestly, I will most likely change the subject entirely (“The sex talk? Don’t you want to play basketball instead? Yeah, let’s go play basketball!”)

However, aside from this one question (and a few iffy areas concerning Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny), I want to make you a promise: I will never lie to you. You can come to me with any questions you ever have, and I’m sure as you get older, you’ll have a lot of them. Currently, you’re barely learning to form sentences (you said your first, multi-word sentence on January 13th according to J, by the way) so I know questions are far off and this is very preemptive, but I’m a mom which means I like to worry way ahead of schedule. So  just for future reference…I will always be truthful to you.

Starting now.

So here’s is my first big truth I want you to know – being a birth mom is weird and I don’t always know what I’m doing. I don’t mean being your mother is weird…I just mean that it is weird to be your mother but not really get to be your mother. The B’s have raised you. You will grow up with their values in their home and I truly think that’s wonderful. They are beautiful people and both you and I couldn’t have been luckier in finding them. But since E and J are your parents, I feel the need to ask for permission before I do anything that involves you, and that’s odd to me sometimes. I get to see you and know you, but I don’t have any “mom-type power” and occasionally, that throws me off.

I told J all this about a week after you were born. I wrote her what had to be the world’s longest e-mail and I told her that even though she would be your mom, I would always feel like your mom; I was always so afraid that would make her uncomfortable. But she wrote me back and she told me that she understood the longing I had to be your mother and that she would never want to take that from me. She told me that you would always be mine and I would always be yours. She and your dad have gone above and beyond to keep that promise. I love them for that, and many, many other reasons. They are amazing parents and people, as I’m sure you’ll learn if you haven’t already.

Which brings me to truth number two: Our relationship is going to be unique, yours and mine. It probably won’t be “mother and son” but at the same time, there is no denying that is what we are. It’s going to be uncharted territory and though I’m excited to see where it goes, it makes me nervous sometimes. I find myself thinking, “I hope he likes me.” That may sound silly, but again, being a mother means worrying about everything, especially about whether or not you’re a good mother. So I hope my honesty is a step in the “good mothering” direction. Mostly, I want to be honest with you because I want you to really, truly know me. I want you to know all about me because I am going to learn everything I possibly can about you.

So here is what I think should happen: you should continue to be the happy, amazing little boy you are. I will continue to visit you and see you and play with you all the time, and we can grow up together. And one day, when we both become grown ups, we can be friends as well as family. The really good kind who get together and goof off or hang out; the kind who swap stories and ask questions and share fears and dreams. I want you to be able to tell me anything. I always want you to be able to count on me.

Just maybe not when you start asking sex questions ;)

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The Most Important Thing You’ll Ever Learn

6 Feb

One of the notes that I scribbled over and over to again to make sure I told you, is also one of the most important ones, which is why I’m posting it first:

I love you.

I don’t get to be with you every day which means I don’t see you every day, but even so I want you to know that every single second of every minute of every hour of every day, I love you. I love you to the moon and back. I love you to infinity and beyond. I don’t think they’ve determined what the biggest number in the world is, but once they do, you should know that I love you times that number. Plus one.

No matter where you go or what you do or what you say, even when you get older, even if you get mad at me, even if I make you cry or you make me cry, I love you, love you, love you forever and always. That has not changed and will never change, no matter how much distance ends up between us. I think about you all the time. I miss you every day.

And I love you, Little Man. In amounts I will never be able to quantify or measure. In ways that I might never be able to put into words. I love you. Never forget it.

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