Visit my New Blog: Wish, Wait, Write

25 May

Reblogged from I N F E R T I L I T Y A W A K E N I N G:

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Wish, Wait, Write: Letters to the Little One we are Waiting to Meet

One of my favorite blogs is Letters to Little Man. Not only is Renee a talented budding writer, she is also a truly wonderful human being. Reading about her journey through placing her child with a loving family for adoption, and in so doing becoming a part of that family, is inspiring to me.

Read more… 212 more words

A wonderful reference from a wonderful woman. Living proof that mothers come in all forms and that strength is one of their universal qualities. Please check out BOTH of her blogs!

The Sheep-Horse Dance

25 May

Reason I love you #216: Your dance moves. They speak for themselves.

I don’t think I’ve ever had as much fun listening to a kid’s toy jingle over and over again. Watching you do things like this makes me so deliriously happy, I almost don’t know what to do with myself. You are much too endearing for your own good, Little Man. And I absolutely love it.

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A Good Arm and Wet Sand

24 May

 

I took this picture on our last day at the beach. Conveniently enough, the ocean was at low tide and a giant tide pool had formed, just deep enough for your short little self to enjoy. J and I spent a while gathering shells for you – we would set them in a pile next you as you stood on the edge of the tide pool, and you would pick them up and chuck them as hard as you could into the middle of the pool. You actually have a pretty good arm! You could probably play baseball, although I recommend using that arm for a solid football career if you choose to go the sports route. Sorry, I’ve never really followed baseball. I promise I will if that’s what you want to do, though :)

Anyhow, after quite a bit of shell tossing, you went out into the ocean with E while J played with Sports Man and I walked with Grandma M along the beach a little ways. Eventually we all ended back up in the tide pool, in the very shallow part. You had discovered that wet sand is alotof fun to play with. You had a little red shovel and you would shovel some wet sand and fling in it various directions. Most of it landed on you, but again, you’ve got quite the arm so some of the sand really got some distance. It was actually very daring of me to take my camera out within a 5-7 ft. radius of you.

But you were covered in sand and totally oblivious to how incredibly dirty you were, and I couldn’t resist. I’m really glad too. I got some good shots. Plus any opportunity to forever capture your cuteness on film is one I’m going to take. You may get older and some day be taller than me, but your miniature, almost two-year old self covered head to toe in wet sand will be preserved forever.

I printed this picture and have it sitting on the window sill of my apartment in NYC. I’m always thinking about you. But – even though I did change your diaper and your outfit after that beach outing - luckily, I am not always in charge of cleaning you.

FaceTime Meets Liam Time

23 May

So the coolest thing happened to me yesterday. I saw you!

Now of course, you didn’t fly up to NYC and I didn’t finally get the hang of teleportation and end up in North Carolina. I’m mostly a Skype girl, but I do have an iTouch and Apple makes this nifty thing called FaceTime. FaceTime is basically video chatting between iPods, iPads, iPhones, etc. By the time you’re old enough to read this, technology will have probably advanced way beyond video chatting, but right now it’s fairly revolutionary. I’m loving it, especially since I’m way up in NYC and many of the people I love are still in NC. Including you :)

Last night I went to an early dinner with my Aunt for her last night in town and on my way home, I was texting J. She had sent me a couple of pictures of you and I was commenting on your hair (which is long and curly again! Yay!) and how big you were and she was saying how crazy it was that you were going to be two years old in two months. Right about the time I got to my apartment, she asked if I wanted to FaceTime with you right before you went to bed.

I’ve only tried FaceTime a couple of times before. Mostly, Sports Man and I would FaceTime whenever I would come to visit you. That’s right – we would only FaceTime when we were in the same room with each other. We would have very wonderful, meaningful conversations too. But we hadn’t done it in a while, so it took me a minute to find the app and log on.

But when I did, there you were! You took a very long look at the iPod, probably trying to figure out how I was there or talking to you. But when you saw me you smiled and laughed. After a few minutes, you were even calling “Nay-Nay!” to get my attention so that you could show me something. Apparently you’ve learned how to fall down on purpose (because you just weren’t doing it enough accidentally) and every time you would run around your crib and “fall down,” you would say, “Whooooa!” It was partly ridiculous, partly hilarious, and completely adorable. You blew me kisses and when it came time to say the final good night, you even gave the screen a real kiss.

I loved my mini-Liam visit. Just getting to see you in action, in real-time, being your goofy, crazy, adventurous, wonderful, handsome self just makes my day. J and I have agreed to try to do it fairly often, so that way I get to see you and talk to them even though I won’t actually get to visit until your birthday weekend (I’m definitely flying down for that – no way I could miss the big 2!) Every time that you recognize me and call me Nay-Nay, my heart does this melty thing and I experience my own personal little victory. That’s one of the main reasons I chose open adoption – so you would know who I was, so I could be central enough to your life that you considered me to be a recognizable part of it. I’d say mission accomplished.

Also, apparently there’s a way to take a picture of your screen when you’re on an iTouch or iPhone. Can’t say I’ve mastered it, but I gave it my best shot. I love you, baby boy. And yes – you will be baby boy forever. And ever. And ever.

Mama’s Back!

22 May

Liam Hudson, I love you more than anything in the whole wide world.

I’ve been much too busy lately and I haven’t written you in ages, at first because of finals, then because I was actually with you at the beach, and then because I moved to New York City for the summer. But now I’m finally set up in my tiny NYC “apartment” (okay…it’s a dorm room) and I have pictures of you everywhere and I wanted to write you another one of my letters to tell you that you are still – and always will be – the best part of my life. I miss you like crazy and I wish I could be with you every minute of every day. The best I can do right now is to try to make you proud of me with my summer internship and (hopefully!) the success that comes from it.

I can’t wait to tell you beach stories and show you pictures. Have no doubt that I definitely will over the next few weeks ;)

This picture is my absolute favorite from our beach trip. It’s right beside my desk in my apartment and later this week, I’m going to print out another copy to take to work to have at my desk over there. So that way, not only are you on my mind and in my heart, but you’re also everywhere I look. I love you, handsome boy. I’ll be seeing you this summer, internship or not. I can’t wait!

I fall madly in love with you all over again every time I see this photo :)

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Mi Hijo, Te Quiero

30 Apr

At the end of last week, I had a final in my Spanish class. Now I have always loved Spanish. Loved it. I took it for years in elementary school and then a few semesters in high school. At one point I actually considered minoring in it once I got to college.

Until this semester.

The spanish class that I took this semester (as an elective…I didn’t even need it) has been the most difficult, frustrating class I’ve ever taken in my life. It is the one and only time that hard work has never paid off for me. Actually, the harder I studied, the worse I seemed to do, especially when it came to tests. With every bad grade, I would study more or study harder or longer and the grade that came back as a result was always worse. See? Frustrating. I know hate is a strong word and you will be taught not to use it, so I just want to say that I strongly, strongly disliked this class.

Anyhow, I took the final on Friday. It was horrible. My heart sank with every question I answered, knowing that I was probably getting at least every other one wrong somehow. What’s worse is that it was an online test – with written tests, at least professors can give you partial credit if you miss an accent mark or something. Not online. Miss a letter or an accent and the whole question is wrong. I have never left a test feeling worse that I did leaving this one on Friday. Needless to say, I will never, ever take another Spanish class. All of my Spanish from here on out will be self-taught (because I still love the language and professor with his frustrating class will NOT ruin it for me).

I posted on Facebook about how horribly bad I felt after that test, and J happened to see it. Next thing I know, I get this on my phone:

I laughed so hard. The glasses killed me! J captioned it with a whole bunch of spanish (most of which I understood, so at least I’m not a total loss) that basically said, “Hello, I’m Professor Liam and I would have given you an A!” That picture is the new background to my phone now. I smile every time I look at it. I think that is a special power you will never lose – the ability to make me happy no matter what is going wrong. You make my life better in the smallest of ways but they make the biggest difference. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you to that, or even for silly things like this. You can truly make my day.

I have no idea what I got on that final. I’ll find out later this week, but I won’t look until Saturday or Sunday because this week, I’m going to the beach with my beautiful extended family and my amazing son whom I love more than anything else in the whole wide world. I get to see you tomorrow and I don’t have to let go for four whole days. I hope you’re ready to be smothered with love, because I’m definitely bringing it.

Thank you for being you. That’s all it really takes to make me happy. See you tomorrow, mi hijo. Te quiero (my son, I love you) :)

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Sibling Rivalry

25 Apr

This picture makes me laugh every time I see it. It was an accidental photo – I was trying to get one of you and Sports Man smiling at each other but I snapped a photo just a little too late and I ended up with this. I call it The Face Off.

The two of you get along great. Hopefully you’ll be the kind of siblings that end up being each other’s best friend. I know there will be fights and arguments and rough-housing and what not, but other than the normal, occasional sibling rivalry, I feel like the two of you are going to be wonderful friends.

But during the times you’re not, I think this picture is a hilarious way to sum it up. I mean, really…these faces are too perfect.

Love you, Little Man :) And your big brother too!

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Adoption and Christmas Morning

24 Apr

I’m pretty sure this is the first picture The B’s ever saw of you. I took it with my phone the day after you were born and sent it to E’s phone. J said your chin was one of the first things she noticed too.

I really wish I could have been there to see them get that photo. It’s kind of like Christmas – you like getting presents, but you’re almost more excited to see the reactions of the people you bought presents for. I would have loved to have seen their first glimpse at you. But I got to be there the first time they saw you in person, and it was very cool. I got most of that day on film.

My excitement over sending them this picture reminds me of the beautiful side of adoption. Of course, the beautiful side is the side I have always seen, but there were times when the thought of adoption would make me cry, just at the thought of losing you. But I never did lose you. I never will, thanks to The B’s.

The side of adoption this picture reminds me of is the giving side. Babies and children that go up for adoption are these beautiful, angelic answered prayers. They aren’t” just babies” or “just kids.” They are miracles. 

I spoke at an adoption convention for Bethany Christian Services a little less than a year after you were born. I was the only birth mother on a panel of adoptive parents and we were all asked to share our stories. Every single adoptive mother, father and family cried telling their stories. They cried because they were so grateful. They were so happy and felt so blessed to have their adopted children in their lives. These children were dreams come true for them and their happiness was so uncontainable, it couldn’t possibly fit into words. No matter what these parents had to do – no matter how long they had to wait or how much pain or sadness they had to endure, they stuck it out. Because to them, miracles such as yourself are worth more than all the pain in the world.

I know that you are an answered prayer for so many people in so many different ways. You are a gift. You came into this world destined to bring love not just to me, but to so many others. And to me, that is the beauty of adoption, especially an open one like ours. Love is spread. Dreams are realized. Prayers are answered. All because of one, tiny person that one brave woman was willing to share. I’m so glad I did, too. You were – and are – much too special to have kept all to myself.

If it were possible to thank the actual concept of adoption, I would thank it for allowing love to be spread like that. But most of my thanks is to you, for bringing joy to the lives of many, for being a ray of hope and happiness to all of your families.

You’ll have to ask your parents about that picture one day, and their thoughts and reactions when they first saw it. I’m sure it really was just like Christmas morning :)

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Have No Fear

23 Apr

There are not many times when I wish I was a little kid again. I am enjoying “emerging adulthood” as they call people my age. The independence, the self-sufficiency, the in-between state where you get to be on your own but don’t have too many responsibilities just yet. The only time I tend to wish for childhood is when I am assigned my “college homework.” I miss elementary school homework more than you know.

But today I thought of you and I realized that there is another time when I wish I was little. It’s when I’m scared.

You are a fearless little guy. You run head first into everything: new experiences, new places, new things. You love all things new – they’re exciting to you. There is nothing scary to my Little Man because you’re just ready to take it all on. Right now, that is scary to me because there are certain things you should be afraid of, like climbing on top of counters or jumping in swimming pools. Those things could actually hurt you (since you don’t know how to properly balance or swim yet) and I really would rather you be afraid of those sometimes.

But as I thought of you and your fearlessness today, I realized I wished I was like that too. I wish I was just like my little boy. Running head first, throwing caution to wind, taking a chance, and all of the other clichés that basically say, “Don’t be afraid to jump.”

You see, as you get older and you learn and experience more things, sometimes you become afraid. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of being sad, afraid of losing things. In that blissful period of childhood that you are experiencing now, none of those things matter. Pain is temporary, sadness is curable and the things you lose are all but forgotten after a few days. But us adults don’t tend to see things that way. As we get older, we learn that we are fragile, breakable. And the pain may be temporary, but even so, we’re afraid of being left with the memory of it.

You are different. I don’t see a child-like fearlessness in you – you know, the kind that will fade as you get older. I see in you the kind of bravery that will persevere throughout your life. You are a “go for it” kind of kid, and I’m so proud of you for it. I would love to believe that you got that from me, and maybe you did, but I have come to the startling conclusion that I get scared sometimes too. I learned a few years ago that I was not, in fact, as invincible as I believed myself to be. Your mommy dearest has a heart that breaks, as it turns out. Saying it that way sounds so “wishy-washy” to me, so I kind of hate admitting it. But being scared isn’t anything I ever want you to be ashamed of, so I will admit it to you. If there’s one thing I don’t like to be, it’s a hypocrite.

So here’s the truth: sometimes, I get scared. I get scared of failing. I get scared of letting people down. I get scared of letting people in. I get scared of broken hearts, having had one before. And though I have learned there are things to be scared of, I have also learned that maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world. I once heard that being afraid means you have something or someone to lose, and that can be worth a lot more than the fear itself. And as you may have been able to tell, I survived. I braved the storm. I toughed it out, and though I have changed, I’m better for all of it.

And now, when I get scared, I think of you. I think of my beautiful baby boy and all of the happiness you’ve brought me. I think of The B’s who would let me cry on their shoulders anytime my fears proved correct. I think of your adorable laugh and how you call me Nay-Nay and I find that I’m a little less afraid. You inspire me. After all of my tough-talk, here I sit, admiring my two-year-old for his moxy. It’s one of the many, many ways you make my life better. Hopefully one day we’ll come full circle – your youthful fearlessness will inspire my grown-up fearlessness, so when you grow up and start to doubt, I will be there to hold your hand and remind you of the brave boy you’ve always been. I owe you one, after all :)

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All Twisted Up

20 Apr

I remember reading somewhere that a cute idea is for moms to let their kids pick their outfits and then pin a little badge to their shirt that says, “I dressed myself today!” I always thought that would be an adorable idea for you – the I-can-dress-myself phase of toddler-hood is always a fun one to witness. You are no exception, but in a very unique way…

I quite honestly have no idea how you do this, but the other day I realized that I have a series of photos of you in this little mix up. Somehow you either seem to get your arm twisted in the shirt or you just leave one arm out of your shirt altogether. It actually looks like it might take skill to get yourself in that situation. I couldn’t be prouder :)

I love how you make me laugh, Little Man. Not only are you the love of my life, but you provide the entertainment for it as well. That makes me one lucky girl!

And don’t worry about the shirt thing. Sports Man will teach you how to do it correctly one day, I’m sure. What are big brothers for? :)

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